| Friday, July 30, 2004 |
| Disappointed |
I am disappointed with you. Do you know that? No, I suppose you don't, and I won't tell you. You probably won't even read this because you can't be bothered. Perhaps I am disappointed more with myself than with you. What was I thinking, huh?
Well. It's ok. Another lesson learnt. The heart is deceitful. It's hard to forget. To not feel that little fall inside when I think of you now. It's hard to love you now. You have become someone else. Maybe I never knew you. I wish I could say it didn't matter, that I still love you the way I used to. But those feelings, strong as they were, are absent now. That part of me is cold. I would that I had never allowed that part to come into being, but what is the point of regret?
Questions I will never ask you. Did I make a promise to you that I shouldn't have? Do you care? Did you care? I believed it beyond a doubt then, believed that I could fulfill it for you. I wish I still did. Was I the one who changed, or the one you thought you knew? If so I am not sorry. I know I am a better person now. Ironically, a better person struggling to love you when before I had no problems. Did I disappoint you? Were you afraid you would end up like me? Is that why you stay away? If so, I cannot change it. I am not sorry for my cicumstances. I am past that now.
At least I have learnt something. I pray I'll never again be as careless as I was with you. I pray I'll learn how to love you again. Perhaps I still do. Love is not something that fades with mere disappointment. I just can't feel it.
Until then.
I thank Jesus even for this, for I now know better.
Be well, my friend. I wish that from the bottom of my heart. |
posted by esther @ 12:44 AM  |
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| Wednesday, July 28, 2004 |
| As You Can See... |
| I have a new layout. Slightly modified from one of the Blogger ones. Have tried using skins from blogskins.com and other places but don't know how to apply them. The girl in that picture is not me, and I can't play the guitar (but then again you don't need to learn how to play one to pose with one). Haha. Just liked the picture, and the sense of freedom and fun it conveyed. Edited using Ulead. This software is really quite amazing. (Here's the original for comparison.) The best thing is I got it free with my scanner! =P |
| posted by esther @ 6:21 PM |
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| Monday, July 26, 2004 |
| To Carry His Cross |
"Following Christ will cost you much, it costs everything... And thank God I have nothing." - Katherine Kuhlman
I was thinking yesterday, that there are many ironies in following God...how everything is so clear when I am lost in Him. When I am weak, in Him I am strong. In my brokenness I am made whole. When I have nothing, then I have everything in His kingdom. By His wounds and death, I receive healing and eternal life. When I am undignified, in front of Him I am righteous. When I die, I live. His ways go against all that of the world, and yet by following His ways, I am victorious.
The singing's in Korean, by the way. This made me cry. I so long for His coming. |
| posted by esther @ 5:37 PM |
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| Sunday, July 25, 2004 |
| How Can I Not Love You? |
I'm actually really sleepy now, but I'll just type this while I wait for my hair to dry, and then I'm off to LaLa Land.
Today's service was fantastic! It was so so so fun! But other than that, it was really great cos' God's presence was so strong today. He spoke to me. I actually woke up earlier this morning so that I wouldn't be late for worship practice, but I spent too much time dressing up...yeah. =P Anyhow, Bro Ber (the worship leader!) was late toooo...I was walking into the carpark when this cab pulled in and I saw that familiar skinny figure poking up from the front seat of the cab. Haha.
I was the projectionist today, which means I am in charge of the Powerpoint slides which have all the lyrics on them. It sounds easy peasy and insignificant but it is really far from it. You've gotta try it yourself to find out really. Today was alright, I made a few mistakes but nothing drastic...of course I am hoping to practice until I make virtually no mistakes. Actually, I think it's happened before. It's very important to stay cool and calm and alert.
Which brings me to what I wanna talk about. Actually, when I first started doing this, I thought I wouldn't be able to worship while on duty, but now I've discovered that it's possible as long as proper preparation is done before hand. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. The only thing is that I cannot close my eyes for too long or I'll miss my cues, and have to be alert at all times. There have been times when I got a little too absorbed in worshipping and missed my cues. I also cannot afford to jump around too much because there isn't much space, and standing on the platform as I do, it might collapse...haha.
Today, when we were singing this Chinese song, it was like spiritual floodgates were opened in my heart. His love flooded my very being, and the tears came. I thought of how Jesus was whipped and killed for me. But above the physical pain, the greatest pain He had to bear was the one in His heart, that totally superceded everything physical. He gave up everything for me. Yet there are times when I take Him for granted. When I doubt Him. When I act like a spoilt brat, holding on to my plastic pearls when all He wants is to give me the real pearls. Words I've said, things I've done, that slandered Him, that hurt and disappointed Him. Yet He never once stopped loving me. It boggles my mind.
I know some people wonder how a supposedly good and loving God can create something as horrible as hell and send people to hell. I once wondered about that too. I can't say I have all the answers. But that's why He is God, and I am a mere mortal. How can we even hope to understand God fully? We are trying to understand something infinite with something finite. Everything I know, everything that I am, every atom of me, tells me that He is real, and that He is a great God worthy of my worship. In fact, there is nothing I can give Him except myself. I can only say that you will understand only when you've been touched by His love. I was a skeptic before I experienced His love too.
Well, so touched was I that the tears flowed freely. He spoke. He said everything was going to be alright. That mercy, goodness and unfailing love would follow me all the days of my life. To be honest, I've always had a bit of trouble with believing that. But today I believe it - I am sure now, that as long as I stick by Him, everything would be alright.
You know what the amazing thing was? Despite being totally lost in worship and His glory, I was still alert. I'd think about Him, cry, but not forget to press the button when I was supposed to. Everything was so clear. It was amazing. Looking back now, I realise it was the Holy Spirit that guided me. Basically I cried so much I became quite a wreck. I think I even sobbed at one point. It just goes to show that when He wants to speak, nothing can hold Him back, despite distractions all around us. And His love...gosh. I'm sold out to Him. He's won my heart. Some people may think I'm simply being sentimental, but I beg to differ. I worship Him with my heart, but also with my mind. I look around me and I cannot believe that this immensely complicated world we live in happened by chance. That my own body, a miracle in itself, evolved from a hairy monkey. Oh no. I was made with a purpose! I didn't happen by chance!
He is just so good. It brings to mind this song called "How Can I Not Love You" which was on the The King & I soundtrack. Only in my case I address it to my Jesus instead of a man. How can I not love You? What do I tell my heart? I am head over heels in love with Jesus. You know how when you like someone or are in love, every love song reminds you of that person? That Shania Twain song: "You're still the one I run to...the only one I run to..." Even: "Man, I feel like a woman!" Lol. Sorry but I can't seem to think of any songs other than Shania Twain songs now... Disagree with me all you want but I think guys ought to take some tips from Jesus. He really knows how to treat a woman! Not like some guys I know. Ahem. =P |
| posted by esther @ 10:26 PM |
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| Happy Birthday, River! =D |
The River of Living Waters Church (MYchurch!) is four years old today!
Ach. The words are blur. Here's what they read:
"He chose to give us birth through the word of truth,
that we might be a kind of firstfruits
of all He created."
- James 1:18
happy fourth! =)
i love you.
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| posted by esther @ 1:11 AM |
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| Friday, July 23, 2004 |
| Day Out! |
Met up with Bizhu aka Adrielle yesterday, as well as Winnie too but later. First, I was supposed to meet BZ at City Hall, but she was very late (heehee) so I was supposed to go to Pacific Coffee and find seats first, however on the way there I got distracted by U2 and their clothes...so I went in and tried two tops. Both were short-sleeved and collared. I've been wanting a short-sleeved collared top for some time (just don't ask why). One was simply sky blue, the other was white with different shades of blue and green stripes. The material was the crumpled kind. I didn't mind, but I'd like it better if it wasn't, though I usually like the crumpled material. Anyway, indecisive as I was, I spent an eternity in the fitting room trying to decide. I couldn't buy both; that'd be too much money. In desperation I SMSed BZ, who was on her way. She said she had to see the tops first.
Finally she arrived and I threw open the door of the fitting room gratefully only to see a long line of people waiting (of course there was more than one fitting room but it was crowded) and BZ grinning away. "This is so embarrassing!" I said, too loud. Everyone must have heard me. But nevermind. BZ asked me to change into the other top (I was wearing the sky blue one when I opened the door). She said she didn't like the other one cos' it was..."Crumpled," I finished her sentence for her. Funnily, many of my friends have problems with deliberately crumpled tops...
So I bought the plain blue top. It was either that or the other one. I think that must be one of the few times when I ask my friends for advice when shopping and actually simply follow it. Usually I'll tend to go, "But I also like the other one!" and the friend(s) will go, "But you asked me for my opinion what!" Or I'd be dead set on buying something but my friend will say, "It's not you," or "HUH? You like that?" That is why sometimes I prefer shopping alone. My money, my body, my clothes, my decisions. But I guess shopping with friends is more fun. Plus it's always good to have a second opinion.
I bought a black camisole too, but I'm wondering if I can change it to a bigger size. It's a little too tight. We walked to Suntec so BZ could buy the shorts from the branch there that weren't available at Citylink. We then went to Pacific Coffee (the one near Marina Square) and thank God for the sofa seats we got! =D At which we chatted at length about...well, what do you think girls talk about when they get together? Haha. Actually, a lot of things. And not just boys (or men xP).
After that, dinner at Somerset with Winnie. According to BZ's friend, it's called Glutton Square?? Geez. When we arrived, the stalls had only opened about 10 minutes ago, but already there were people everywhere, who had not even started eating yet because their companions were queueing up. We saw a table with a bag on it (to 'symbolise' that the table is taken) but nobody sitting there. It was annoying. Finally we got three seats at a table with three other girls. Winnie was late, so we ordered first. I was a little worried about my Discman in my bag, and BZ about her MD, but we figured the other girls weren't gonna leave so soon. Thank God they were safe. =)
I had seafood minced pork noodles for six bucks. Not cheap, but I figured I probably wasn't going to go to that place again, and it was ending (it's only temporary). It was good. BZ had carrot cake (the fried kind) and being gluttons in Glutton Square as we were, we also ordered chicken wings and barbecued stingray. By the time we finished queueing and everything the food wasn't really hot anymore. And by the time Winnie arrived, it was even colder. She shared the carrot cake with BZ, and ordered satay, which all of us shared. By then the three girls had left and were replaced by four...or so we thought. Before we knew it there was a crowd at our table and we were all jostling for elbow space. Apparently those people had a gathering of some sort. Some of the things they were saying were kind of funny, but I can't remember what now. The whole table was laiden with food; most of it theirs. It was really weird. There were guys who had no place to sit at all. People probably thought we were a part of that gathering. It was only when we left that those guys standing had seats.
Oh. While waiting for seats, BZ drew my attention to someone and asked, "Is that a man or a woman?" He/she was wearing a pink striped spaghetti top, but the hair and face looked like a man. He/she (it??) didn't look like it had boobs either. Well, he/she looked like he/she had man-boobs. LOL. Part of that person's tummy was also showing. I think I'm being mean, but it was kind of funny. Not to mention weird. I can still remember what he/she looked like, but still don't know if it's a he or a she!
After dinner, BZ asked, "So what do we do now?" Both me and Winnie said, "Anything." So there we were, three "anything" people. We decided to walk around, since none of us were in a hurry to get home. We ended up, well, shopping. =P Me and BZ bought the same Giordano jacket, but in different colours. I was having trouble trying to decide between the black or white again, but settled on the white. She bought dark blue. Winnie bought a tee shirt. Winnie wanted to buy shoes, and she had a discount card (or something) from Charles & Keith, so we went there, but the shop didn't carry the shoes they wanted in their sizes. I was wondering if I should even buy. You see, for some reason my shoes wear out really easily, except the flats. But I can't wear flats for Sunday if I'm on duty for back-up, and my heels (both pairs!) were uneven. I recently bought a cheap (only $9.90) pair for Sunday, but less than a month and they're 'peeling'...and I have this impression I've been spending way too much. I feel bad about spending so much of my parents' money when I'm not earning any myself. Which reminds me. I bought a wallet for Mom, haven't given it to her yet! (Though of course it's still her money...)
Aye. I mentioned the problem of my shoes to Mom, and she said, "Buy new shoes then!" I said I couldn't bear to buy. She said perhaps I could send my heels to the cobbler's. So, hmmm. We'll see.
Yesterday was fun. =)
By the way, I have a crush on someone now...I can't say who though. People who know him read this. Maybe he reads this too, I don't know. Also, I'd be mortified if anyone other than the four people I've revealed his identity to found out. Not that there's anything wrong with liking him per se, but well...it's just embarrassing. The night before I was SMSing Sarah about it and suddenly I felt all funny inside, like I might explode into a million pieces. You know that twitchy, nervous but yet somehow exciting feeling? I felt like I needed to run it off or something. I told Sarah that suddenly having a crush on someone seemed so new. "Because it's a MARN!! LOL!"
I'll just say he's so different from guys I've liked in the past...they were not men (I don't mean they were female of course). In terms of age and/or maturity. He is unattainable. But I like it this way. I want it this way. There is no need to carry this further than a crush.
(I'm feeling that way again now... =P I feel so silly.) |
| posted by esther @ 9:49 AM |
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| Monday, July 19, 2004 |
| "We are not alone" |
Yesterday, someone asked for my support in a confrontation of sorts, which I gave. Frankly, I hate any conflict and I really didn't want to be there, and I thought the whole thing was dumb anyway. I also didn't have much to say; the most I said was two lines! I didn't stay all the way, either; I left when another friend came looking for me. I was actually relieved to go. Anyhow the matter was supposed to be resolved as a misunderstanding by the time I left.
Later that night, that person messaged me to say thank me for my support. I was surprised. Cos' like I said, I didn't think I gave much support. He went on to say that he was quite affected, which surprised me too. I said I didn't know. He said "I guess we are not alone after all." That got me confused and I wonder if he meant we are not alone because we have God. So I said that of course we are never alone because Jesus is there all the time. He said he didn't mean it that way, that "I am not alone that gives me strength". He said it reminded him of his past. I didn't ask how, but simply told him that he certainly was not the person of the past, and I meant it. Frankly I couldn't stand him when I first got to know him, and as many who know him will testify, he has been changed by the redeeming grace of God, and is still being transformed day by day. Sometimes, I still can't stand him when he starts talking a lot of rubbish. What he said somehow touched me really deep inside. I was tearing when I said that he was not the same person anymore for sure. Then I prayed for him (by myself) and actually started crying! I couldn't stop for quite some time.
I realised that I love this person a lot, really a lot. I was touched when I realised how soft he was inside despite all his tough talk, and touched by the fact that he'd revealed it in that sense. Touched that something I did so reluctantly could have such a profound impact on someone, at the amazing ways that God uses us. At how he's been changed. Perhaps mostly by the fact that I love him. You know those surveys that ask if you've ever cried because you love someone so much? I used to assume it was a romantic sort of love, but now I know it's not necessarily so. Because I've realised that I can love people I would usually find hard to, love them so profoundly and deeply and fiercely that it boggles my mind, love them so much that I cry, but not necessarily tears of sadness. And it may sound weird, but I think I've come to love by instinct. And thank God for His gift of love. If not for that, I wouldn't be able to love the way I do now. Of course, sometimes it's still very trying. But hey. It's a start. =) |
| posted by esther @ 4:36 PM |
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| Drip, Drip |
Goes my nose. Have a cold now. =P Yep, I've not been posting for a few days. Been busy, plus sick, and also the Internet lost its interest suddenly, which is a good thing for me. Falling sick this time made me realise that I've not been taking care of myself. Sleeping at insane hours (I'm embarrassed to say just how late/early?), not drinking enough water, etc etc. In short, I've been abusing the living temple of my holy God. Eurgh. And this, when I'm a back-up vocalist in church! I actually had a sore throat on Saturday when we had practice, and it hurt to sing, plus it gave the devil many chances to attack my confidence. I realised early this year, when we had a production for Good Friday, how precious my voice was because at that time many of us were falling sick and losing our voices (one of them was me). It's hard to practice well if even one of us is missing, cos' each part is important. Especially since we're not a big team, each part is magnified and carries more weight.
(Hugo is right about the new layout. It's idiot-proof, and I don't particularly like it...Ok, I'm using the "Edit HTML" function instead.)
But thank God, the sore throat was gone by the time I got home! Thank God. I really loathe having a sore throat. I used to love pineapple and durian like crazy, but after having gotten a sore throat after consuming too much of the fruits on two separate occasions, and since then I've lost my appetite for them. Now, I have a drippy nose, but that's ok. I'd rather be blowing my nose often then swallowing painfully! Ha!
So yeah, I realised that I've been taking my body and my voice for granted. Yet He was gracious enough to make me well enough to sing well (though I still sounded somewhat strange to myself) by the time Sunday came along. God is good. So good. =) So from now on I'm gonna take good care of His temple. That means regulating my sleeping hours etc. That meas not late night blogging anymore. In fact, less blogging. So far, so good. =)
Sarah said I sounded good yesterday, that my voice is growing stronger. I'm glad. =) Along the way I've had to struggle with my old feelings of inferiority and need for approval. It was a cycle that won't end if God is not in the picture. If people told me I could sing, I would still feel insecure inside. That was how it used to be. Now, I'm a lot more confident, but I've got to go further and place all that confidence in Christ. My own voice still sounds weird to me, and yes I go off-key at times (but who doesn'?). But well. Since I've been bestowed with this gift, and I've been placed on this team, there's no reason to be insecure at all, isn't it? Being human. Well. Two years with Jesus...I'm still learning, growing, maturing.
Last week I read this devotional from Meeting God in Quiet Places. It's actually a collection of devotionals written by the author when he was in Cotswold. "Imagine yourself whisked away to the beautiful English countryside..." Ah yes not very happening for a teen eh. But well, I love nature and I see so much of God in it. The author is someone who has walked a long long journey with God, and he wrote in that devotional that trusting God now is something like an instinct. I really long for the time when I can say the same too.
Trusting God doesn't come all that easy to me. I read in another book (When God Doesn't Make Sense) that there is a difference between believing and trusting. Imagine there is someone who claims he can wheel a wheelbarrow with a person inside along a rope over the Niagara Falls. Having seen him do it many times before, you believe that he can do it. But trusting him means saying yes when he asks if you'd get into his wheelbarrow and wheel you over the falls. Big difference that makes! Things happen that make me realise how young I am in Christ still. But we have eternity ahead of us, Jesus and me, and I look forward to that journey. =) |
| posted by esther @ 3:44 PM |
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| Tuesday, July 13, 2004 |
| Thoughts on Celibacy |
I am a frequent reader of a blog by a Mormon woman. In her own words: "The misadventures of urban dating for a mormon woman outside of Utah. These are my stories of horror and sorrow, mixed with some insanity, as I try to navigate my way through Gotham as a celibate in search of a mate. Enjoy these not-so-torrid tales of painful celibate dating in the midst of mammon."
By all accounts I enjoy her writing very much, and even empathise at times. Once she wrote something about how our hearts are like puppies that have to be smacked in order to learn, and I could really relate to that. But I don't share her view, or the view that her writing seems to portray; that celibacy is painful. Why should it be?
Maybe it's because she is celibate because her religion tells her to. It is, perhaps, to her, a restrain that she endures and carries out for the sake of doing so.
A couple of years ago I thought that there was nothing wrong with having sex with someone if you really loved them. I was certainly curious about sex and what making love to someone you loved would be like. I didn't think that kissing on a first date was anything much. I thought it old-fashioned of my mom when on one occasion she voiced the opinion that kissing only after 3 months of dating is too soon.
People think I'm a goody-goody innocent little girl, but I'm not. That's all I'll say. I have a side that probably only God and me know about. That's why I'm so astounded by His love, that never stops inspite of how unworthy I am. Unworthy to be loved by a being so pure and holy. And yet He loves me, more than anybody ever did, ever does, ever will. They say love is blind. I say only infatuation is blind. Real love sees all, knows all, yet understands, forgives, accepts.
Now, having known the love of God, I am proud to say that I'm saving myself for my husband. I'm thankful, too, that God never allowed me to be tempted with it before I got to know Him. Knowing how I was in the past, I think I may not be a virgin today. In fact, I'm not even going to allow my boyfriend to kiss me on the lips until we're married. He should understand why I'm setting these boundaries.
I make these choices to rein in my desires to protect myself and my husband. I don't think sex is dirty or taboo. I think it's a beautiful expression of love. I think it can be a mind-blowing experience, as well as great fun. I would really like to do it with the love of my life. Some people reject Christianity because it says, Don't do drugs, don't have sex before marriage, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't cuss, don't do this, don't do that, blah blah blah. What people don't realise is that God wants the best for us, and these things harm us, and it hurts Him to see us hurt ourselves.
Another thing: Christianity does not equal God. Christianity is just a name. I am a Christian because I acknowledge Jesus as my Savior and I have a personal, intimate relationship with him. Not because I go to church every Sunday. There are plenty of people who go to church every week but have no idea what Jesus is really about. There are people who go around shouting at you that you'll go to hell if you're not Christian. False. Christians can go to hell too. God knows every thought you think even before it is conceived. He knows if you really care. Yes, it is also true that if you're not a Christian, you will go to hell. But it's not about hell. It's about His love. I didn't become a Christian because I was afraid of hell. In fact, I rejected Christianity at one time because I thought it was idiotic to become Christian to 'escape' hell. I became a Christian because His love touched my heart.
I can be rebellious and willful at times. Sometimes I want to do things that He says not to. Sometimes I do them anyway. But I know why I shouldn't be doing those things. That's why I am saving myself. That's why me and my boyfriend won't be making out or necking, much as we may want to. If he doesn't end up being my husband, well, too bad. There should be a common agreement that we do this because we want our married life to be great and untainted by previous relationships.
Kissing is such an intimate act that some sex workers don't let their clients kiss them. Kissing also happens to be an act of foreplay, and isn't foreplay part of sex? Why fan the flames of fire when you can avoid igniting any sparks in the first place? All this pent-up sexual frustration is not good, you say. Ah. But God has given me a will to overcome my basal instincts. That's why humans are of a higher order than animals, isn't it?
But animals do it for the sake of procreation, you say. We do it for recreation. We can make the choice to do it not simply for precreation, while animals are merely driven by their instincts to make babies. True. But isn't it lust and the need to satisfy it that drives us in sex? What does it say about us, if we can't control it?
Ok, but we do it to express our love for each other, you say. You know what, that's not necessarily wrong, like I said earlier. But people don't realise that it's more than that. It leaves marks on us that we can't see. (On the other hand, there are those that we can see.) It's so intimate that I wouldn't want to share it with anybody other than my husband, the one I've chosen in Christ, and who has also chosen me in Christ. There would be no comparison, no need to perform to any standard set by previous lovers. It would be a new and fresh experience. Maybe clumsy. But it wouldn't matter because we've chosen each other to do this marriage thing with. And really, I'm selfish too. I don't want to share my man with any other. Which is only fair that I keep myself for him, right?
I have the power to say no in the face of temptation. I don't have to say no. I can say yes. I can give in. But why give in? The power to be able to say no frees me. To be able to make this decision to say no, even when I want it, and when it is already a norm in society; to do so not because I am a slave to anybody or anything, but because I choose to, frees me.
When I walk in Christ, I'm free. And victorious! ;D |
| posted by esther @ 7:54 PM |
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| Sunday, July 11, 2004 |
| A Letter |
This taken from Kah Ming's blog. I took it and replaced her name with mine. =)
Dear Qing Ying,
Do you know that you are incredibly precious? You are a woman, so beloved of God, that He is saving someone just for you. Your heart is a priceless treasure, keep it pure because no one but God deserves it right now. Physical purity does not only mean staying a virgin, it also means not giving any part of yourself away to anyone until He loves you with the love of God. Until God brings Him into your life, save yourself for Him! It is worth it. Imagine, our God is the creator of love and romance. But He does not love us only because we look attractive to Him. He loves us because He wants to and chooses to. It is a forever kind of thing. And until someone loves you like that, why should they be allowed access to you? You are bought at a price. God paid for you with His blood. Do you know how heartbroken Jesus will be if he sees you pouring your treasures on people who have done nothing to deserve them? Dear girl, you are taken. Until someone wins your heart like Jesus had, he is not worthy of you. |
| posted by esther @ 11:19 PM |
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| Friday, July 09, 2004 |
| Sleepless... |
Well, not entirely.
Last night, I went to bed at 11:30 PM, which is extremely early for me. Woke up at 12:30 to pee, then again at 3 AM and went to the toilet again. I'd set my alarm for 5 AM to wake up and do some Math. Well, I think I tossed around in bed until almost 5 and decided that I was not gonna get any sleep. So I woke up, carried out all my ablutions, even had breakfast. Two slices of bread with butter and sugar. Yummy. Still, nothing beats those buns they give out on airplanes; those taste the best with the butter and sugar. I actually like airplane food! I think it's the novelty of it. Ha. At around 7 my eyelids were feeling heavy, so I thought I'd get some sleep...but couldn't. I lay there until 8. How annoying. When I'm out of bed, I feel sleepy, but when I lie down, I feel wide awake. Sheesh. Anyhow, I got out of bed and have been up since. I actually finished the slides for this Sunday's praise and worship songs in record time! Haha. |
| posted by esther @ 10:18 AM |
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| Thursday, July 08, 2004 |
| As I Wait |
This is actually the title of Ping's blog, where she writes letters to her future husband. I applaud her for it, actually. I'd deem such stuff way too personal to post on the WWW. Still, many things from her blog I can relate to.
When I was still in my "OMG-I'm-fugly" stage, I really couldn't imagine being married or even having a boyfriend. Couldn't imagine that someone would like pathetic loser fugly me. Of course that has all changed. Thank God. Yes, it is such a relief to no longer be living in that pit. To know that I am lovable, that God made me this way, that above all, HE loved/loves/will love me, and it's more than enough, but He can and WILL give me more. Now isn't that just wonderful! =)
My future husband; I do wonder about him quite a lot. (Didn't you hear, I'm a hopeless romantic.) Like, what is he doing now? Sleeping? Being 'naughty' like me and not sleeping? Could he, by any chance, be wondering about his future wife? What does he look like? What is his name? What does he do? What will he do? Siblings? Pets? Family? Financial situation? What are his dreams? How has God touched him? Does he even know God now? What does he like? Etc, etc, etc...There are a million questions that can be asked about a stranger.
There is this Savage Garden song, from their last album before they disappeared off the scene (if I'm not wrong), that goes, "I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life..." (Note that "dreamed" is not proper grammar.) I thought that song was hogwash, even though I was a huge fan of them at that time. How can you love someone even before you've met them? When you know absolutely nothing about them? That sounds like "love at first sight" and I don't believe in that at all. Now, I still don't believe in love at first sight, but I can understand how it is possible to love someone before knowing them. Weird and vaguely creepy as it may sound.
I'm been thinking about all this stuff quite a bit, what with things happening with my friends and vibes that are resurfacing and all. My mom seems to think sometimes that I am attached, I don't know why. Weird-mom-logic. But that's out of point. The point is, I've always been very vulnerable to these things. I think I fall easily and when I do, I usually fall very, very hard, and end up getting hurt. The last time I liked someone, it was for 2 years during which I allowed him to take up too much of me. And it was one-sided!
Well, that's changed now. In the past 7 months or so, my mentality has changed a lot, and praise God, I am no longer vulnerable the way I was before. Now, I know what I really want, and no longer desire what is less than good enough. I've been tested, as precious few of you would know, and been distracted too (and still do get distracted at times). But I'm proud to say that I've stood my ground and not fallen foolishly again. Hey, I'm no longer Miss Fragile. Yay me. Yay Jesus. =D
The next time I fall, I hope it will be real, I hope I will have the courage to fall (it is quite frightening), and I hope it will be forever (which means till we draw our last breaths on earth).
Ok, drowning in sap already. Die. Lol. |
| posted by esther @ 3:11 AM |
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| Tuesday, July 06, 2004 |
| The Best Man |
Last night I forgot to add some things about my brother. We have this weird telepathy thing. More than once he has sent me an SMS when I was feeling really down and asked me how I was doing. Well, it's more on his side. =P One morning, though, I woke up somehow and saw that I had a new message. I thought his name in his head, and when I checked, it was indeed from him. I just knew. Funny.
Anyway on to the topic proper. A long time ago I wrote this letter to him, and in it I said that I want him to be my husband's best man, even though it's not up to me to choose. I said something like I hope he is really good friends with my husband so he will be the best man. Lol. Sarah is definitely gonna be the maid-of-honour. A very tall one! Lol! Well, I think there is such a thing as groomsmen too, so if not best man, then groomsman. He just finished reading the letter today (he lost it and found it again) and he said, "I want to be your best man!" At which point I thought, You can't be my best man cos' that would be my husband...it briefly occured to me that he might have meant it that way, whether he realised it or not. He also said that he loves me lots. Lol. Hmm this blog is getting really personal of late. But well. It's a tremendous joy and blessing and I want to share this with people.
He called me "gal" too, and it's funny. He didn't use to do that!
There's this Kelly Clarkson song my friend told me about. The chorus goes, "For a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime". I'm thinking this now. Well, this isn't a moment per se, but...a friend? Yeah. Some people wait a lifetime for people to love them as they are. What they don't realise is, Someone already does. That person is Jesus. And that when they find themselves in the house of God, they'll find themselves surrounded with people who love them the way Jesus does. My brother says he always remembers me in his prayers. If he is true to his word, and if he prays everyday (which I think he does) that means I'm on his mind everyday. That's so...wow. =) I never asked for this. Of course, being human, people still disappoint at some time or other. But Jesus is always there. I've had many lucid moments when I've realised this, and the feeling is indescribable. It just can't be put into words. For a moment like this, some people wait forever.
Like the time I was assured of His grace one morning...
Ever since becoming a part of the worship team, I've had to reach church by 9 AM instead of the usual 10 or latest 1030. At first it was quite a chore for me, as I have a bad habit of sleeping at insane hours. But I've really come to enjoy it. I'll wake up at 7 and while dressing and all I'd drink a cup of hot tea or Milo or honey to warm up and wake up. The whole process is very therapeutic for me, somehow. Then the long train ride to church, during which I'd put on my headphones and tune out to the world, tune in to God. I used to sleep on the train, but I've realised that when I do this, I wake up even sleepier and crabby, and that staying awake actually makes me more alert.
So one morning - it was actually Saturday that day. We had practice for a special series of services that day. I was on the train, not having memorised all my lyrics. So I was looking through them on the train. It was already quite sunny then. I was sitting at the side furthest from the train doors, and suddenly I realised that there were rainbows on my paper! It was some trick of the light shining through the window in the door and through another pane of glass beside me.
If you don't understand, rainbows are very significant to me. This is because God cut a covenant with Noah after the big flood, where He said that He would never again destroy the earth with a flood. And that whenever a rainbow appears, it is a reminder of this covenant. For me, a sign of His everlasting grace. Not to mention that rainbows are beautiful and rare here in Singapore. And there I was. God showed me rainbows on a sunny day. Rainbows not in the sky, but on my lyrics. |
| posted by esther @ 2:26 AM |
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| Monday, July 05, 2004 |
| On Tithing |
Ok, for those of you who do not know, tithing means giving 10% of your income/allowance to your church for the extension of God's kingdom. It is meant to be used as funds for church-building purposes. Certainly and shamefully, in some cases the money is misappropriated.
Today I have a testimony to share on this though, and it's very exciting. Of course, there are many who think that tithing is crap and all. My parents, especially my mom, would lean on that side. I'm the only Christian in my family, and they see no point in doing it, and also because it's "their money". In the worldly sense, of course. I see their point. I don't blame them for this point of view. But if you know God, you'll also know that all we have belongs to God. My parents, who provide me with my allowance, are given to me by God. They are able to provide, because God has first provided them with a livelihood. So what's the difference now? It's all His.
Thing is, I don't tithe because I have to. I do because I want to. He's given me so much. What is this little bit I have to offer? Which came from Him in the first place anyway? I do because I believe that my family is represented by me in my church, and as I am faithful, so will they be blessed and protected. And I also do because He has promised blessings if I obey...and I have experienced first hand for myself those blessings.
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."
- Malachi 3:10
I remember Brother Ken sharing before about how one day, he decided to tithe a little more than 10%. The next month, his salary was increased. This not only happened once, but twice. (And more??)
Guess what. It's happened to me too! My allowance has just been increased! It wasn't like I was even asking for it. This few weeks I have been giving offerings along with tithes, though, because I want more of Him in my life. I also expressly set aside money for tithes early in the week. And I've been recording my expenses meticulously, so that I'll know roughly how much I spend on things like food, transport, clothes, entertainment etc. There have been many times when I've looked in my wallet and been hesitant to give if I had less than $10 inside, so that was to solve that problem. Tithes are supposed to be our firstfruits, not our leftovers. =)
I was actually in quite a soggy mood (this word just comes to mind, don't know why) and Mom was poking around in my new wallet, which annoyed me. She wanted to take back the NETS card, and I was reluctant. I said that Dad hadn't given me my allowance for this week yet. So she called him out, and he gave me $10 more than usual. I started laughing to myself (not manically, of course) and Mom didn't get it. It's the second raise I've got this year...praise God! =DDDDD |
| posted by esther @ 4:43 AM |
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| I Have a Brother |
Not my real brother of course. A brother in Christ. But on a much larger scale, we both descended from Adam and Eve, so yes, we have a common root. And certainly our spritual DNA is identical. Of course I have many brothers in Christ, but this one has a special place.
I thought he was a clown from the very start, until once he took the trouble to help me with something which touched me and made me realise that besides being a clown, he was a big nice guy. He is without doubt the funniest looking guy I've ever met, and that is in a positive sense. I'll never forget the day we had to take individual pictures in school for something, and when he sat down and practised his smile we almost started rolling around on the floor in laughter (he wasn't even trying to be funny). He is a born comedian, really. His pictures never fail to have the effect of making people laugh and/or ask, "Who's this guy????"
This is not to say that he was an unknown. Far from it. Once you've seen him, I don't think you'd remember that you have. Additionally, he is charismatic and outspoken and friendly and helpful (and did I mention funny), so it is not farfetched to say that everybody who knows him, loves him. He brightens up the lives of people like a sun with a silly grin on its face.
Yep, my brother is very special indeed. I think God grinned when He was born.
It was a common passion for God that few us close, plus a particular subject in school that was really redundant; all we did was sit and talk. Or endeavor to do work, little of which would be done.
He was my spiritual mustard tree, walking me through a rough patch in my walk with God. I can't remember what advice he gave, if indeed he gave any. But he listened. Today, I've grown such that I no longer am 'dependent' on him in a sense. Yet he is still very much a pillar of strength in my life. I would trust him with it. Once he was driving me someplace, having just acquired a driver's licence. As usual he was being funny (or trying to be) and pretended to lose control of the wheel, while I sat passively beside. "Aren't you scared?" he asked me. Why would I be? I thought. I trust you with my life. If anything happened, I know you would risk yourself to save me.
Of course he is far from perfect. Besides being funny he has a penchant for doing stupid things like throwing things at people during laboratory practical sessions (Biology and Chemistry), such as chopped vegetables or whatever we're supposed to use in the experiment itself, squirting water at people or breaking their test tubes (mine) accidentally while fooling around. He also likes to sprout a lot of nonsense, to the point where even I cannot stand him. There was, in fact, a period of time where I completely ignored him because I was so irritated by how lightly he took things that were supposed to be serious. Of course that passed. With a guy like him, you can't be mad for long. Still, I have to admit that I contributed too. Sometimes I'm the one who starts it, and before long we're shooting off 'witty barbs' at each other, which ends in me getting pissed off at our childish behavior.
I think there has always been underlying vibes in our friendship. Guys like to say stupid things to girls, and he's said his fair share of that to me. Ambiguous, joke-y statements that could mean anything. Not to mention calling me Chiobu (some dialect for Pretty Girl) for a while, though I can no longer remember why and how it started. I can think of times when, in play, we've gotten too much into each other's (physical) personal spaces too much for our own good. Not a lot, of course. I can count them all on one hand, thankfully. I've also been teased by two of his friends about him, which is weird cos' one of them isn't exactly a mutual friend. The other is. But they certainly spend far more time with him than I do.
As a friend once said, I would have fallen in love with him long ago (though I myself wouldn't say "would"; I'll say "may" given his propensity to annoy me) if not for a single reason which I won't disclose here, because it is too personal, to me as well as to him. Granted, it is not his fault nor mine. In fact nobody is to be blamed here except the spirit of dissension. And yes, I guess I'm glad (or at the very least relieved?) for this reason, though it has in the past caused me to cry bitterly (I really did) over his well-being and still bugs me to this day.
He's another of those anointed who possess the countenance of God. He is who he is today because of God, and who he is today is a very attractive and charismatic personality. And yes, I'll admit, I've found him strangely physically attractive at times. But that has certainly got to do more with his personality than his physicality, which is really...nothing much.
He's also extremely generous. I mean, he once gave me a chance to totally bankrupt him by loaning me his credit card details. Of course being the kindly soul I am, I did not. =P But ah, what power. Perhaps he only did this because it was me, just as, if I had a credit card (man...) I'd trust my best friend Sarah with it. But there has been countless other instances involving acquaintances, and he's always been generous. And not just with his money and possesions but also his time and support. He's done things for me that money could never buy.
Why am I writing about him today, and now, when I should be in bed? Well, I just realised something new about him, which touched me. Today he sent me a message telling me that he missed me a lot (The last time we met was on Good Friday). This isn't the first time that I've gotten this from him, but every time I do, I think, Hmmm. Reason being that, well. I never miss him. We keep in contact regularly by SMS and phone. To me, he's always near, praying for me and my church. Being that pillar of support. I don't need his physical presence to validate that. I know he'll always be there no matter what. I am so sure. Actually, after the redundant lessons for that redundant subject in school ended, we never really spent that much time together. Which was sad for me for a while, but since I've grown used to it. Not that I take him for granted. I love him like crazy, and thank God every time I remember him for a brother like this. Life would not be the same without him.
Yeah, there are vibes. But honestly, I don't want things to ever advance in that direction. And there seems to be some sort of unspoken agreement that no matter what vibes, we'll stand before God as brother and sister always. Is it a pity? No, no, it isn't. I say things are perfect this way. Despite the few times I've found him attractive.
I digress. Anyway, I told Sarah about this, and she said, "Isn't that his way of expressing himself?" Well, not until he was enrolled for NS! Then I realised - gosh, he could be a gigantic softie even worse than me! Wow. I've never thought of him as being exceptionally soft. I've always seen him as strong and sturdy; a tree, a pillar. But of course, that doesn't mean soft people aren't strong - I'm one myself, and I dare say I'm strong. It's simply that I've never thought of him as being...mushy soft, not like this soft. It's funny to realise this about someone after knowing him for more than 2 years.
Funny. In the past, sometimes I used to wonder if I meant as much to him as he did to me...I did tell him that, in a letter. I said it was alright, though, and I meant it. (I know there're some people I love immensely who don't love me as strongly, and it's ok, because it isn't the type of love that seeks to self-gratify.) And now here he is, going all mushy on a me. Perhaps he thought the same, until my letter cleared that. Humans are funny creatures, eh?
Hmm. So I realised today that my brother is really a big softie. What a SNAG! Lol. Still, that's all he ever will be to me: a brother. No matter what my friends (or his) say.
All's well. =) |
| posted by esther @ 2:56 AM |
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| Saturday, July 03, 2004 |
| The Adventures of Crystal the Little Crystal Ball |
Not a fairytale
Once upon a time in Tralala Land, there lived a fairy queen. She was good and beautiful and powerful and wise, and she never aged. Yet when you looked at her - which none could, because her beauty and light blinded all lesser beings - it was impossible to tell her age. She was ageless, yet ancient. She had ruled wisely over her land since the start of time, and would until the end of time. Certainly there were many who doubted her soverignty, even plotted of overturning her rule. There were those lived lawlessly and on the edge, yet always one step ahead of the law. The fairy queen knew. It broke her heart. With a wave of her hand, she could give those people what they deserved, but she did not and could not, because her love prevented her from acting out her anger and her sadness.
But this story isn't exactly about the fairy queen. It's about a little crystal ball she has. In fact, she had crafted it herself painstakingly. It was imbued with her beauty. It would, if shown to anyone, captivate the person who beheld it in his or her sight. It was gold and silver and every precious stone and metal that ever existed. For that reason the fairy queen kept it in a tailor-made sheath at all times. She knew the world was not ready for it.
And neither was it ready for the world. You see, this little crystal ball had life, absurd as it may sound to you. It had emotions and feelings, and could communicate with its master and maker, the fairy queen. It loved her dearly, yet at the same time often wondered about the world outside the palace. She had heard people talking about it in the palace. How exciting it seemed! The fairy queen, of course, knew the secret thoughts of her crystal ball. She knew, too, that one day her crystal ball would run - no, roll away from her and her palace. But she also knew something else, for she knew all things.
Let us just call this little ball Crystal so that the author would not have to keep typing "the little crystal ball" over and over again. And along the same lines, Crystal will be a 'she' as the name suggests.
Soon the day came when the Crystal decided to embark on her big adventure. I'll just sneak out for an hour or so and come back, she thought. She was foolish enough to believe that her all-knowing, all-seeing fairy queen did not know about her escape. Or rather, she had deceived herself into believing that. The palace was surrounded by woods, and beautiful woods these were, though in no way any more beautiful than the palace Crystal had left. That fact didn't bother her, though. It was a whole new world for her, as different as night and day, and she immersed itself in the new sights and sounds. An hour passed; two, three. It was dark when Crystal realised that she was lost.
She was also very dirty, though she had not realised it. There was dirt and grass stuck all over her, but thankfully, the sheath had protected her from being scratched or chipped. Now she looked around her fearfully - but she could see nothing. She was cold and she now realised that the ground did not smell very nice. She could hear tiny feet scrabbling in the dark, and fear entered her crystal heart for the very first time. She was on her own now, she realised. Where was her fairy queen? Surely she knew that she was in trouble! At the same time she felt a stab of guilt. It was her own fault for running away in the first place. Now she missed the comforts of home, and her wonderful master.
Meanwhile, the fairy queen knew all about Crystal. Yet she would do nothing, because she knew that since it was a choice Crystal had made to run away, then she would have to continue following that path until circumstances led her back home again. She would not lift a finger, for she knew it was something Crystal had to go through.
To be continued...
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| posted by esther @ 12:30 AM |
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| Friday, July 02, 2004 |
| Survey |
Got this from Vivi's.
PAST
1. When were you born: 13 Oct 1985
2. Where were you born: Singapore, KK Hospital
3. What was your first grade teacher's name: Mrs Kumar?
4. What was your first pet's name: Benny? I also remember Rainbow and Snow (Snow White?)
5. What was your worst accident: As a baby, my maid dropped me on the table. My front tooth broke and almost sliced my tongue in half. I think. I don't remember that anymore though.
6. What was your favorite cartoon character: None that I can recall.
7. Who was your first best friend: Siew Chun for 2 years. Now she is Peggy's best friend. At 12, my best friends were Lisye, Belinda and Sarah. Now Sarah is my best friend. And not forgetting Jesus! =D
8. Who was your first girlfriend/boyfriend: My mom would say it was these 2 classmates, but I don't consider them my boyfriend(s?)
9. What was your first favorite movie? Beauty and the Beast. Watched with parents.
10. What used to be your favorite color: Pink, now blue. Hated pink for a while, but now I like it too.
11. What was your favorite subject: Don't know. None?
12. Did u ever start a food fight? No
13. What/who was your worst fear: I really can't remember.
14. What was your favorite toy? My little bolster, which wasn't really a toy. I only let Mom throw it away last year, or the year before.
PRESENT
15. What time is it: 0329
16. What's the date: 02/07/04
17. What year are you in: 2004
18. fave movie: Hmm. Shrek?
19. What is your favorite song: To many to list
20. Do you have any pets: No, but contemplating the idea
21. if so what are their names: Amber?
22. fave subj in school: GP!!! Wooooo~
23. What's your hair color: Black
24. What kind of music do you listen to: Praise and worship music
25. Do you still watch cartoons: Yes. I love them!
26. What is your favorite TV show: CSI, Buffy, erm. Iron Chef...it's a crazy show.
27. Do you get online often? Yes
28. What's your worst fear: Rejection
29. What's your favorite color: Blue
30. What city do you live in: Singapore
31. Do you have a b/f g/f: Jesus! =D
32. favorite type of food: Curry, potato (whipped/steamed/grilled/curried/whatever), ice cream. I have a craving for seafood now though...crab! Prawns!!
33. What do you want to be when you grow up: I'm currently contemplating pyschology, social work and media design. But who knows?
34. Do you want to go to college: I want to go to university.
35. Do you want to get married: Yes. Very much thank you my ovaries are ticking already. Nah...whenever the timing's good.
36. If so at what age: Before 30 hopefully
37. Do you want to have kids: Yeah. Twins? 1 boy 1 girl...Faith is a nice name for a girl =)
38. What kind of car do you want: I used to want a Volvo Beatle a lot, but I've recently 'fallen in love' with the Jaguar X-Type
FUTURE
1. Age do you think you'll live to: Ask God
2. Where do you want to live when you're 35: Wherever He wants me to be
3. What movie do you want to see next Saturday? Shrek. Elephant. King Arthur (don't know if it's open yet though). I donno. I wanna watch a lot of movies now...
4. What time do you think you will go to bed: I dunno...
5. Do you think you will have the same friends: Some of them, certainly
6. You think everyone will be jealous of you at your 10th high school reunion: I don't think I'll have one? But nah. Don't think so. But why would I want people to be jealou of me...
7. Do you want to be president of the U.S.: No.
8. Do you want to walk on the moon: Yeah, but I don't have enough passion for it to see it through. =P |
| posted by esther @ 3:23 AM |
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| Thursday, July 01, 2004 |
| My Body and Me |
I think in many aspects my body is very much like me; my character, that is.
It has changed with me along the years. In fact I think what I am inside really reflects what I am outside to a certain extent. Though I don't always feel that way. Sometimes I feel ugly, inside and out. But one thing's for sure - if I feel ugly inside, most probably I won't feel pretty outside either.
I've got very sensitive skin, in all aspects. Use an unsuitable product, and whoops! It reacts. Even my scalp. There is probably only one shampoo that I've used so far that does not irritate it: Head & Shoulders. Oh, I've tried others. Clairol (the brand with the ads where the women seem to get aroused by shampooing their own hair! LOL), Loreal Elseve, etc. The latter is in fact very good, as compared to other brands, but after a few months I have to switch back to trusty ol' Head & Shoulders again. I'm also very ticklish. =P
I'm a very sensitive person, too. To the point, perhaps, of being over-sensitive at times. Sometimes I really get vibes from people, yet when I ask them, they say they're alright. I don't quite know if that's me being over-sensitive or them being too stubborn to admit their true feelings. It is as easy to make me happy as it is to make me upset; whether I show it or not is another matter. I think, though, that over the years, God has moulded me to be sensitive in the good way. =)
The other thing about me and my body: stubborn! Stubborn hair that won't be tamed completely, ever. My hair has a funny story to tell. Before 9, I had straight hair. Then, something happened when I was in Primary Three, my hair exploded. Literally. I have no idea what happened. I do know, however, that 9 was the age I found out that my aunt, my mom's blood sister, had been embezzling money from my parents' company along with my uncle (my aunt's husband). Perhaps it was the onset of puberty. How ironic. I just realised that, at the age of 9, still very much a little girl, I was forced to grow up, not just physically but internally too.
My hair would curl up at the ends whenever it grew to around ear length, such that I appeared to have 'wings' on my head. Hairdressers would attempt to control my wayward hair by snipping off those wings the curly edges, but always, they grew back. This boy I didn't even know got to calling me Maggie Mee in school. Children can be so cruel.
After a time (I can't remember how long), however, it settled down, was less crazy. Around the ages of 15 and 16 I wanted to keep my hair long, but both mother and hairdresser warned against it, saying, "If your hair is this messy when it's sort, it'll be very hard to maintain if it's long."
How wrong they all were!
At 16, I decided to be bold and daring and just grow out my hair. I've kept it long ever since. Now, I have curls and waves that are the envy of some of my friends, though people still like to ask me if I'd like to rebond my hair. Why would I want to? I've God-given curls people would pay $300 in a salon to do. So it gets frizzy quite easily (and there we come to being sensitive again). Still, I'm gonna be stubborn about it and say no.
Home-use hair-straighteners don't work on me at all. Only those super-heated hairdryers they have in salons have that effect, and only for a few hours. How do I know? Because a couple of my friends have those contraptions, and we've tried. This may seem to go against what I said earlier about not rebonding my hair, but there was a time when I hated my hair and wished for pencil-straight hair, though at that time I still loathed (like crazy) the trend of rebonding that was all the rage a few years back. And friends are always curious to know what I look like with straight hair. I don't have very tight curls, more like waves, but still. Nothing owns my hair.
To relate that to myself. I fit right nicely into the Good Girl (but far from perfect) mould. Or the Nerd mould. Or the Shy Quiet Type mould. Truth is, I have been and am still all that, though I no longer go around with a book in my nose (and all really because it was my only escape in those years), developed a sense of styly, and have much better relational skills now. Maybe I'm no longer even shy. People who know me really well like a few friends and my parents, will tell you that I'm really not all that good, shy and quiet. People who don't will be really surprised, maybe even shocked, to hear some of the things that I've said/done. Oh, my hair and nails grow really really fast too.
Haha, now I've gone and made myself sound like some kind of madly growing, hormonal monster. Bah. I'm not. I'm petite and cute. xP But don't ask me. Ask God. He made me in His image. I'm beautiful, because He is! I've found my true self in Him. Thank You, Jesus, for making me this way. |
| posted by esther @ 12:52 AM |
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| An Exercise in Irony! |
| Rogue/Suspect Anti-Spyware Products & Web Sites. Thank God I don't have any of these on my computer. I have Webroot Spysweeper, which is pretty good, and under the "Trustworthy" section of the site. What a wonder. I can't even remember how I chanced upon it! |
| posted by esther @ 12:10 AM |
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