| Wednesday, November 30, 2005 |
| draw a pig...what does it say about you? |
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer
Toward the middle, they are a realist.
Facing left, they believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)
With few details, they are emotional and naive, they care little for details and are a risk-taker.
With 4 legs showing, they are secure, stubborn, and stick to their ideals.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener they are.
The bigger the better. They drew medium ears, they are a good listener
The length of the tail indicates the quality of their sex life.
And again more is better! They drew medium sized tail
http://drawapig.desktopcreatures.com
Got it off Eugene's blog.
Not accurate at all, but who cares! It's funny. Been crazily downloading pictures of other cute pigs from their gallery.
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posted by esther @ 6:42 PM  |
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| Thanks be to God! |
Got a shock when both Shujuan and Cece told me that the exam results were already out today -- they were only supposed to be out tomorrow!
For a while my mind jumped - what if I didn't do well? But I told myself, hey, relax, you've been doing consistently well, you studied really hard for the exams, and you've got Jesus behind you!
Before I clicked on the link, I said out loud, "In Jesus' name I will get results that will glorify Your name!"
And I got Distinction for both units I took last semester!! :DDD Granted, they were borderline Ds, but who cares!! I've got Ds!!! For the first time in I-donno-how-many-years I'm loving what I'm studying, working hard and experiencing the fruits of prayer and labour. I've needed to experience this, and God has answered - resoundingly so.
So thank You Father God, my Jehovah Jireh. My Shield and my Strength. My Fortress and my One True Love...thank You.
The ironic thing is I've been feeling awfully crappy (emotionally, spiritually and physically) the last few days, not to mention being lethargic too. I think I ate something wrong yesterday, I felt really bloated with foul air after dinner and puked out some of my dinner this morning - why wasn't it digested?! Still feeling the same now though, and have no appetite. The thought of food makes me sick. I only wanna take liquids now.
I hope I don't ever start taking things for granted, though. Things like His providence and grace. |
| posted by esther @ 4:54 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 29, 2005 |
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"Flying at 28,000 feet westbound, somewhere over Nevada, thinking of you. It is at times extremely difficult for me to open up and talk to a woman like you. Until recently, I never had.
Getting close to someone, anyone is very, very hard for me.
It is easier, safer for me to watch from a distance. Sometimes I feel so lost. I've never been able to experience things like normal people; like being held as the sun goes down or feeling safe and 'carefree' with a woman. A sensation I have yet to experience. So, I watch others and smile for their joy. Sometimes that's enough. I'll make eye contact, bow my head in respect, and stroll off feeling a little warmer inside, thinking I would never be able to share moments in time like other couples.
Somehow lately I believe this is the springtime of my life. I've worked hard, planted many things, and soon they will blossom and grow before my eyes. I'm still scared, but no longer terrified. I can live with that. In an odd sense, being on the constand mental defensive is a comfort zone of its own. But onw day I would like to be a real person. A person who is able to let down his guard and let someone in. Before I die I would like to experience that. I want to shelve my former life's mistakes. I would like to live in total peace, in every sense of the word.
If I have to remain alone, I will. Above all I know not only can I survive, but I can trust myself. And I feel secure with that premise, as well as knowing I will not cause anyone else anguish.
I still dream of a home--my home, clean and fresh and open. The scent of flowers while Pat Metheny plays on the stereo. As always, I dream. I always will. I'm trying to give up control, but it's hard because for so long I was controlled by so many. But maybe if I surrender, I'll find my answer. I'll find peace.
Maybe, one day, I'll have a home. Then maybe one day I can come home...home to you."
This is a letter from Dave Pelzer to Marsha Pelzer when they were courting. I took it from A Man Called Dave. For the past 2 weeks I've been caught up in his world, deciding to read the other books of his trilogy after lending Shujuan A Child Called It.
This letter speaks tomes of my own innermost thoughts. Not all of it is the same, but a lot is.
I identify with Dave and his struggles. His story is really inspiring for the victory he made out of a broken, ugly past. I think, if he can -- why not I? Why not I, when we pray and lean on the same God? I think his faith is amazing too. He always believed, whether he was a little boy being abused or a young man trying to find his place in the world. He never gave up even when all the odds were stacked against him.
I have it soo much better! I renewed a commitment to God again this morning to not give up, not on myself, or on Him, ever. I know that I'm human and that I'm fallible. There is always the chance I'd break my promise, but for now, this is the commitment I'm making to my Eternal Lover and I will follow through on it as well as I can. |
| posted by esther @ 4:58 PM |
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| Saturday, November 26, 2005 |
| ambiguous post |
I just can't help but respond emotionally when I see others feeling sad or down. And then I can't be mad anymore.
Once again, he saves the day. That's why he's my favourite, I guess.
I guess God puts different people in my life for different reasons.
And I love them. They make me feel good. Really good. :) |
| posted by esther @ 2:40 AM |
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| Thursday, November 24, 2005 |
| touched |
This post from Lisye touched me. Especially this part -
"But suddenly i feel special being a quiet person. If God intended me that way, i must be something good. Not something inferior to a bubblier person. We're like gemstones that are beautiful in our own way, created for different purposes, with different talents. Who would say diamonds are more beautiful than opals. Or opals more beautiful than diamonds. I think God thinks they're all beautiful no matter what. "
Being quiet has always been part of my nature too. I used to get really frustrated when people pointed that out. There always seemed to be this implication that it was bad to be quiet. But it didn't make sense to me - surely God didn't make all of us talkative and bubbly (like Sheena and Hannah)!
Anyway, I've blogged about this before, so I shan't go into all that again. When I do I get annoyed all over again.
Something amusing happened recently though. At Ceceilya's birthday BBQ, I was in my quiet mode. Luke kept asking me, "How are you? You're so quiet today," and so on. At one point we were sitting and eating (it was late by then), and he said, "You're phenomenally quiet tonight."
"I'm not a very noisy person," I told him.
"Yes you are," he insisted.
I could only smile at that. How could I tell him in a few sentences about the years of being boxed up and labelled "QUIET"? And the frustration I held within? It was emancipation - see, I've broken free of the label.
But at the end of the day, to be true to myself: I know that I'm quiet. It'll always be a part of me that I cannot deny. Heck, even people like Sheena are quiet sometimes...there was this period when she was strangely quiet, and I got so worried that something was wrong. But she assured me that there was nothing wrong, she was just being quiet. I still find it weird when she is though, haha. |
| posted by esther @ 10:53 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 22, 2005 |
| Psalms 23 (undergrad style) |
"The Lord is my Tutor, I shall not worry, He maketh me to settle down in strange libraries, He leadeth me to reference materials, He restoreth my wakefulness in class. Yea, tho' I stumble from confounding tutorial to boring lecture, I will fear no failure, for Thou art with me. Thy whispers and Thy encouragement, they comfort me; notes and formulae before me in the imminence of my examination, Thou anointest my mind with midnight oil, my information runneth over. Surely goodness and wonderful results shall follow me, all the days of my course, and I will slave on in the system forever and ever more. Amen." Found this super amusing! However I think I'll change the 'slave on in the system' bit to something else, because I'm no slave to no system! I found this on someone's blog but I shan't put the address here to respect that person's privacy. :) |
| posted by esther @ 11:21 PM |
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| happening happening |
Honestly, I've been too busy going out xP to blog nowadays.
Last Thursday, me, Steph and Mona made a trip down to NUS. At first I was just going to meet Steph and Bizhu to have lunch and to get their hair cut (not mine) then head to BZ's room to study. But they cancelled the hair thing because BZ's regular stylist was out that day. Plans were then made for lunch and to get the others to join us as well. Actually me and Steph already had plans to treat BZ for lunch because her birthday was coming up and Steph was going back to M'sia soon. Ok I know this is horribly boring~ Anyway by late morning BZ still hadn't replied about lunch nor responded to our calls, and I figured she must have been still sleeping. I also had this feeling she'd be sleeping till really late, because one day she told she'd been keeping really irregular hours. In a flash of inspiration I suggested that we surprise her at her room with cake. I was pretty sure she'd be in her room all day either sleeping or studying.
Met Steph on the train and Mona at Clementi, where we visited 2 cake shops until we found the perfect coffee cake (BZ doesn't like chocolate, thank God Steph remembered). Then we found our way to the Arts fac canteen and had lunch. The food was very good and filling. And cheap! Then, with Winnie's (physically absent) help, we found our way to Bizhu's dorm. We wanted to ask this girl to open the doors for us but she was carrying many things and suggested we knock on the glass doors and someone would open it. We were kinda worried that we would be refused entry, since there was this sign saying that people who were not students would not be admitted.
But by some miracle of God (hahaha) this NUS personnel actually came and opened the door and didn't even ask us any questions!! When we got to her floor we weren't even sure which was her room and had to ask her neighbour. We tried to open her door but the latch was on. When she did open the door she looked very cute and blur, having just woken up. Her eyes were kind of swollen (from lack of sleep I think) and her hair was in a mess...Haha. I think I'd be quite horrified if anyone did that to me because I don't look presentable at all when I just wake up!!
Needless to say we all had a good time. The cake was really delicious (from Bengawan Solo). We gave some to some of her neighbour. We laughed at length about the ever-entertaining and hygenically deprived neighbour with the rotten bananas in the fridge and corn husks in the kitchen and weird, weird habits. How's this for nonsensical and weird!!: One night this person brought home a guy (NOT her boyfriend), then changed into a transparent nightie, and attempted to have a conversation with the guy over very loud Italian opera. They left the door open of course and talked all night apparently. We laughed like crazy over that. Not to mention the time BZ caught her naked in the shared toilet-cum-bathroom....OMG! I mean what sort of person walks around naked in a shared toilet! That day we saw her walking back to her room wearing nothing but a towel too. But after the naked-in-the bathroom incident, that wasn't shocking anymore.
Plans were then made to visit the now-old SAJC campus the next day (Friday) before it got demolished, but that night me and Steph were up till about 430 am talking online with each other, Razi, Luke, Bizhu, and Sheena. Not all at the same time of course!
Saturday was choir practice. Sunday was service and more choir, then BBQ at East Coast Park, for Ceceilya's birthday. I was the only one from Monash there for a looong looong while, because I had nothing to do and they needed my CD player. It was quite interesting, talked a bit here and there to her friends and family. Boring at intervals when nobody was talking to me and Ceceilya was too busy entertaining other people. Elise and Luke came only after the cake had been cut. Subsequently the cake got smeared all over poor Ceceilya and much time was spent getting it off. The poor girl didn't even get to eat her own cake! Ceceilya is Indian but her family is Christian so they prayed for her in both English and Tamil which is pretty cool even though I didn't understand a word of the Tamil one. I gave her a pair of pink earrings I made myself. I'm very proud of them!! I'd post a pic once I get the USB cable, either by finding it in my house (I've lost it :\) or borrowing from Bro Ed. I'd really like to post the pics we took but poor Ceceilya looks such a mess I think I shan't. :P We had to take the group pic 3 times because every time Luke's eyes came out either closed or weird. I left earlier than the rest because my dad had come to pick me up to rush home and get Mom's dressing changed. I've become quite an expert at it really. *grin* Apparently after I left the rest drove around (in Elise's car) people watching in Changi and Geylang...heheh.
Today I had class in the afternoon. Razi was being embarrassingly nonsensical (But I love him anyway). They wanted to not go back to class after the break but I developed a guilty complex after a while, and returned to class with Netty whose name I only got to know today. Was supposed to take cab back to Razi's house because he'd invited me for Hari Raya housewarming. But nobody else from our class was coming, and I didn't want to be 'marooned' at his house with no one to talk to. So I got him to drop me off at Sheena's (they both live in Tampines) and we went later. Still, Razi was very busy fetching people and entertaining and we were watching TV half the time. His sister was nice to talk to though, and his rabbits very cute. It's endearing that they're so close. I heard that the other classmates came later and they had fun because by then all Razi's other friends were gone. =S Better to go for such things late now I realise, when the host has time to entertain you. Oh well. At least I had Sheena and wasn't by myself!
Tomorrow, or rather today as I type, lunch and movie with Shujuan and Ceceilya. Supposed to meet Will for dinner too either Wed or Thu, and early dinner with XY and the rest on Friday before I rush off for carecell. Phew~ But who's complaining, really. It's great to have friends you can have fun with. Great to have friends who still bother to contact you even when you've not exactly taken initiative to keep in contact for the last 2 years. Great to have friends you still keep in regular contact with years after leaving JC, that you can still laugh with.
I think on bad days, the things that make me smile and laugh are: God, friends, animals and kids. Not in any particular order. :)
Life is great, really. So great now sometimes I can't believe it. I'm very grateful. But I like that, at the end of the day, no matter what great fun and nonsense I've been up to in the day, I can come home to God and His wide open arms. I belong here. It's my home. |
| posted by esther @ 1:10 AM |
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| Sunday, November 13, 2005 |
| i have been 'rebond' - pardon the corny english!! |
The picture speaks for itself.
Actually, I did this over a week ago, I think it was a Tuesday. It cost me a lot. But thanks to Sheena's generosity, I had to pay quite a lot less. =X I think I'm very blessed to have Sheena as a sister, really.
Took this pic last week when the enrollment coordinator asked me to bring down one passport sized picture for my student ID card. But I already have a card, I told her. She said they might need to make another one since I'm only now 'officially' enrolling for the full course. By that time I was out of the house and in the office, and all my passport sized photos were at home. So I rushed down to this instant photo machine at People's Park Centre. I took 2 sets, because in the first, I forgot to pull back the blue curtain to get a white background. -__-" As you can see this came from the first set. It was the last pic in the set, so I fooled around a bit. The other pictures are not very flattering so I shan't put them up. And to be honest I tinkered around with the lighting and colours on my PC. :P
The pictures cost me 12 bucks. And guess what, when I got there, they said that they didn't need the pictures after all...bleargh.
I think some of my friends will be surprised that I actually rebonded my hair. I was quite anti-rebonding a few years ago - but then I was also anti-dye-hair, anti-contact lenses...I felt that doing things like that to yourself was a waste of money and and only pure vanity. But over the years, I gradually ate my words and got contact lenses before I entered JC. Now I've rebonded my hair...I'm not doing any dye job yet because of the $$$ issue and also because I don't think it'd suit me - anyway, I have naturally brownish-red hair. The guy who did my hair asked me if I'd dyed my hair before. (Plus my mom objected to it when I asked her one day, just for fun :P) When I did this I was really wanting a change of hairstyle - I think the next time I decide to do this again, I'll have my hair permed. Though I think that will be a very long time from now, because of $$$ again.
These days I seldom wear contacts because my eyes get dry very easily. Well ok, also because specs help cover my perma-eye rings...I'm going to get a new pair of specs soon anyway. Can't wait!
I want to take neoprints with someone while this lasts. I don't think the rebonding will last very long because I've got very little and very layered hair. Already it has started returning to its original wavy form, especially at the ends. I like how it looks like now actually, I look like I have naturally straight hair. The best thing about this rebonding job is that I no longer have to blow my hair and use wax and whatnot to make my hair neat.
Since I took this pic, I've changed my parting (I think it looks nicer now) and my hair has gained more value and curl.
Actually, I probably sound crazy - but when I saw that my hair was beginning to curl again despite the rebonding, I was thinking, "Go hair!!" As some of my readers may know I like the way my hair is so stubbornly curly. I think it has character. I'll always be the girl with the curly untamed all-over-the-place mass of hair. :) |
| posted by esther @ 9:53 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 08, 2005 |
| she had me at hello |
I've been helping out at my mom's since last Friday, because my mom came back from a business trip unwell (shall not go into details here) and had to be entered into hospital...she's quite alright though, I'm sure she'll be well soon.
Helping out again feels different now. I just realised this morning that school starts next week!! I had been thinking that I had another week. Mom will probably be in hospital till earliest tomorrow, and even when she's out I'll have to be down there to help, the shop can't do with only my Dad there. Even with 2 of us it gets crazy, people asking questions left and right.
Had this been earlier in the year I'd probably be feeling angry and bitter that once again, my holidays were being 'stolen' from me. But I don't. I don't even mind helping until Friday if I really have to. I'm glad Mom has had an opportunity to rest while in the hospital - something she sorely needs. I'd be tired of course, have been so for the last few days. And of course I'd rather be free and able to go out and have fun. There're things I need to get done as well - getting a new pair of glasses, new shoes (mine are all worn out now), keep away my JC books to make way for uni ones, get broadband etc etc. Yes, I'm STILL using 56K dial-up! My connection has been acting really weird of late. It disconnects me every night once, almost without fail. So much so that I joked to a friend that it has become my "daily online ritual".
Anyway, with regard to the curious title of this post. Yesterday, near closing time, this customer came in. She came straight up to me and asked me something, I forget what now. I was almost immediately startled by her beauty - everything about her seemed lovely at first sight. Long, straight, shiny black hair, alabaster skin, rose-tinted cheeks, a delicate mouth. You know how some girls don't have fancy features like very big eyes or very long lashes, or full lips, but their features are so symmetrically arranged that they are so pretty? She was one of those girls.
She was very friendly and cute, all effervescent about how pretty the crystals were. She asked me for my name so she could address me properly. I couldn't help noticing, too, how nicely turned her ankles were. She was like this perfect little doll. She looked Eurasian, like a mixture of Japanese and Caucasian with some Chinese sprinkled in. After a while I realised that her eyebrows looked a little funny, as if unplucked. This only made her more endearing. She looked in her early twenties. I liked her the moment she spoke, and I think this is very rare. She wasn't a wholesale customer, because she only made stuff for her friends (I asked), but she wasn't in the least bit rude. Many retail customers try to haggle about the price and complain on and on about how expensive things are, and when you don't let them buy the amount that they want or give them the price they want, they start being really unreasonable. She wasn't like that at all.
I think I could be friends with her, she seemed so nice and friendly. I wanted to ask for her contact number but thought it might be weird. But I hope she comes back while I'm still helping out!
Haha, in case you're wondering, I'm NOT lesbian. When I was younger I had little crushes on 2 girls (who looked like guys then) in my secondary school. Now I still like looking at pretty girls - who doesn't???? I think girls are so much nicer to look at than guys, even extremely gorgeous guys. I could look at a pretty girl like Avril (that's her name xP) all day, I think. O.O
The other day a male friend said, "All women are bisexual." I think he was quite right.
I suddenly remember something a friend said, about how when you get to uni you have to reconfigure your idea of faith. I think I'm in that position now, which is very interesting - what if God telling me through this? Whatever it is, I'm convinced I've found the One for me and I'm never letting go. |
| posted by esther @ 10:54 PM |
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| Thursday, November 03, 2005 |
| stimulating conversation |
I met Luke with Steph today. Luke is my classmate while Steph is a JC friend of mine who stumbled across Luke in Friendster. Actually it all started out with her sending him a message telling him weird, stalker-ly stuff like, I am your secret admirer! I think you are so cute etc etc. But it was all for fun, she wasn't that interested in him, and we both were waiting to see what sort of response Luke would have.
Anyhow, it ended up with us meeting up today. We talked about Catholicism and Christianity. Both Steph and Luke are Catholic, and as you all should know, I'm Christian. To cut a long story short, it was very stimulating conversation. I'm not bothered with people criticising Christianity, neither am I anti-Catholic. To be honest I don't quite know what to think about them. I do feel that some of them honestly sincerely love God. But I can't agree with some of their practices - probably the same way some (like Luke) can't agree with some of our practices. I'd like to say more but it's a bit personal...so yeah.
An aside: We were at Pacific Coffee, and bumped into Xiaomei (Jojo) and Daryl studying there. I like Pacific Coffee, I think it was Bizhu who brought me there for the first time. I've so many memories of being there - studying with Bro Ber, talking with Sheena, meeting up with Jaryl...and the steamed milk. I love the steamed milk. Coffee and sometimes even tea makes me nauseous, no idea why. So I stay away even from coffee, which is a bit of a pity, but I don't think I'm missing out much. Have steamed milk will do. (Luke: "Cow juice!")
Anyway, I enjoyed myself immensely. I found myself being more able to express my thoughts and opinions, being more spontaneous. I like! Glad that I could talk about those things with them. :) I think I am better at communicating now, thank God for that.
It's nice to get to know new people. =) |
| posted by esther @ 2:13 AM |
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