| Thursday, December 29, 2005 |
| Christmas |
This has really been the most awesome Christmas of my life! Actually, very meaningful too because I got to perform in Gift of Heaven, which 4 years ago I watched as a member of the audience, still a non-Christian then. The very next year I decided to follow Christ, and in the years in between there was no GoH production. I do have some regrets about GoH though, I think I could have done a lot better and also put in a lot more effort. I was so busy and weary battling some emotional demons. Well, that is history now. A new year is coming! And, miracle of all miracles, my mom is letting me stay over at Sheena/Liz's house on the eve! In fact, I didn't even ask her - she brought it up herself. I am endlessly amazed. I've already stayed over twice this week - once on Christmas Day at Liz's and last night at Sheena's.
It was a riot at Liz's house on Christmas night. We played many games and I did not have to do a single forfeit, which was great because I hate doing forfeits! xP But really, other than the activities, it was the company I was with who really have been making my days this week.
Monday: Went to Luke's with Cece for a party. The two of us were kind of overdressed. Stoned a lot because I was soo tired after the sleepover, but enjoyed myself nevertheless. Luke was very happy with this presents. He made a drink for Cece. I didn't ask for one because I know I can't drink a lot, but I did share her cup. The drink was nice. It was very amusing when Cece got high (her first time with alcohol) and was giggling in such a silly manner and spilling the drink on herself by accident. Loved the swing there, you don't find swings much here anymore. I didn't want to go home, but I had to. Was surprised when Mom didn't nag at me for leaving so late when I'd told her at about 10 PM that I was about to leave - I really thought we were going to! She's been surprisingly lax with me this week.
Went shopping with Liz and Hannah today, and feel very proud of myself for finding many good buys all under $15! I am the Queen of Budget Shopping :D Yesterday we were at Bugis, where Eugene joined us. Poor fella was being dragged around by us as we shopped and took neoprints. At the end of the night he said he wanted to go to Topman, so we followed him in. It was quite interesting, I've never gone shopping with a guy before.
2005 has been a year of change for me, and I'm still trying to find that solid ground. Yet, God has been really gracious - and I really truly don't deserve it.
Some pictures Hannah took of me. They call these the lingerie ad pictures because I was wearing this lacy pink tee of Liz's and tiny tights...But you're not going to see those tights in these pictures! Real kudos to Hannie though. I was amazed to see myself like this - I don't think I've ever been very photogenic! But I look so happy and healthy (and slim!) here. I have rosy cheeks in the second picture, and even my permanent black eye rings aren't noticeable.
The best pictures ever taken of me to date (except when I was a little babe with perfect skin and hair and baby fats!):
That pig butt you see belongs to Judie, whom Hannie gave to Sheenie for Christmas. The pig's name is really Judie! (Yes my fingers are stuck in the wrong place...I didn't realise!)
I like my gummy smile/grin. |
posted by esther @ 11:46 PM  |
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| Lesson of Year 2005 |
I cannot be truly satisfied unless my joy is a constant that is rooted in Christ. It's been a great year, really. God has been faithful to bless me with one thing I wanted so badly at the end of 2004 - good grades. Anyway, I must have talked about that so much already. And yet I realise that I have come to take two of the most constant blessings (good grades and friends) in the latter part of this year for granted. That which was once a miracle has become everyday and expected. Even as I know that those things couldn't have happened without Him!
I found myself asking this question: I have more this year than I do last year. But am I happier? No, I am not. In fact I've found myself looking instead at the things I've yet to have in my life and asking God why, when I ought to be thanking Him for all that He has so unselfishly lavished upon me not just this year, but through the years. I've also experienced one thing about myself and other Christians: that we are just like anyone else, the only difference being that we have the grace of God, and even that is so often abused. We are not any better, kinder, or bigger of heart. Or better or more eloquent at communicating our love as the Psalms might suggest. We are not any less broken or stronger. Or trustworthy.
Now before you get offended, let me just say that my opinions do not stand for those of other Christians nor do I believe that they stand for every Christian. Mainly, when I say "we", I really mean "I" - extremely flawed, imperfect me. I don't think I am a better person now than before I converted; a lot more self-aware, I suppose. Such that I've come to realise how much darkness there is within, the old self rooted to the depths of the earth bent on pulling me down. How hard it is to let go, when my soul remains in this earthly body that follows that which is natural and not that which is supernatural; that is, to fly up into the heavens into my Father's embrace.
It'll probably surprise some that Christians are some of the unhappiest people on earth. Not that we are not grateful for Jesus, the only and eternal balm for our souls. I am, I truly am, and if I had to choose again I would choose Jesus. Rather the reason for our unhappiness, as I realised today in a conversation with a friend, is the fight between our old selves and the new. It could tear a person apart, really. Sometimes it's like a bowling ball trying to roll itself up a slope when gravity is pulling it down, down, down. The only way that ball can go back up is for God's hand to intervene, and for the ball not to resist. But humans being humans, we can't seem to resist resisting. Until we learn, that is, that to resist makes it worse, because God would never forcefully push us up if we didn't want to.
I'm definitely, definitely, still learning. I could possibly spend the rest of my life learning. When my body sets me free I want to leave smiling, not clutching onto that dead shell pathetically.
I have to say, though, that in moments when I know I have triumphed because I've let God lead me, those triumphs are, I believe, sweeter than anything I will ever taste if I lived without God. You're flying high up in the air over the mountains, doing victory loops and figure-eights in the sky and not afraid of anything at all. You are invincible because God's wings are carrying you. And what about those moments when you're falling apart and yet you have this crazily stable internal core of peace, knowing that God is seeing you through? Or when God touches your heart at the most unexpected moments, breaking the dam you've been building within, and you find yourself on your knees, thanking God through blurred vision?
Nothing and No One else, satisfies the same way. |
| posted by esther @ 12:54 AM |
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| Friday, December 16, 2005 |
| Undone |
I'd typed out everything when I realised this post is more suitable for Written Shtuff, my blog for poems and prose and whatever else.
http://writtenshtuff.blogspot.com/2005/12/undone.html
I think it's an NC16/M18 post. You'll see why when you read it. ;) But I really do mean everything in the purest sense.
Really like the post though. Off to bed now, zzzz! |
| posted by esther @ 3:45 AM |
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| 'pls share with me' |
This is dear Tracy's portrait of me, after I told her how since I got back from dinner just now, I had 3 people telling me very long stories, such that I couldn't even get to bathe. I said I must have a sign on my foreheard that says "pls share with me" and she drew this. Lol.
Of course, not that I mind people sharing with me at all. I've often been privileged to be a confidante to many friends. As for why they choose me to share their problems and stories with, I know not why...a gift from God perhaps. I've always had a heart of ministering to people. However with this comes great responsibilities too (Spiderman anyone? Haha). Sometimes secrets are burdens to carry. And oftentimes I get caught in the middle, playing (at times slightly frustrated) peacemaker. If I believed in horoscopes, I'd say this is a characteristic of a Libran. But I'd rather believe this is a gifting from God. And I'm grateful for it, really.
I was really really blessed one day when a very beloved sister told me that she had always refused to go to another church but mine...because when the first time she came, she found a friend...me. And even though she never had much opportunity to share her life with me, she felt I could understand.
If I were to die today, I would be glad that I made a difference in her life, and was a source of light. She's grown to be someone very dear to me, and I love her a lot. It's the most wonderful feeling to give and find yourself being blessed and loved in return. Often, the rewards are many times more than what I had to give.
I'd also be glad that I finally made it to uni, after 3 years of struggling with horrible 'A' levels. It's not just about the certificate. It was my chance to start anew, to breakout (I know it's 2 words, but it feels like one to me) of that little box I had been trapped in for so long. It's helped me grow leaps and bounds in confidence.
Still, as I discovered recently, deeply ingrained thought and behaviour patterns aren't shed so easily. It's so easy to slip back into the box and put the lid back on. Was very upset because of some conflict with Mom recently, and did something I really shouldn't have. And yes, I do regret it. But what to do? It's been done. Thank God things are alright now, and I'm good again. But I've decided that I don't want my circumstances to dictate how I feel...I want to be joyful in Christ in all circumstances. Because if I were to act in the former way, I will never be satisfied...there will always be something I deem lacking in my life, and I'll be unhappy about that. But if my joy is a constant grounded in God's Word, then nothing can take my joy away. It's got my name written on it in Jesus' blood.
Christmas is coming so awfully soon. How time flies (yes yes very cliched I know!)
Today's been a fantastic day. Had a great time today at school, having lunch and doing the referencing exercise with the rest. Had a great time at the garage sale either. And then again, at dinner with Will, and also the journey home with Sheena. Thank God for friends, old and new (yes yes another cliche haha).
Was very flattered and honoured when one of those friends said, with what I took to be a look of awed admiration in his eyes, "You're so smart." And also another when he said, somewhat incorrectly - but I won't argue with such things - that I am "wanted by everybody". It's nice to have people think so of you, isn't it? :) |
| posted by esther @ 1:41 AM |
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| Wednesday, December 14, 2005 |
| .............. |
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing with myself, and why. Need to drag myself out of this.
I've toyed with the idea of setting up a private blog, but some things are still too private for those few in my inner circle.
A friend sent me this article today...quite interesting. Then that person said he has no friends. I really don't know if he's just pulling my leg or...
?
.....................
Ok. I know, this is a weird post. |
| posted by esther @ 5:57 PM |
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| Saturday, December 10, 2005 |
| An unexpected meeting...and a big shot of nostalgia |
Had carecell at Marche today with the women. While waiting for someone to come fetch us from inside, a big group of people walked past us. The person with the book of reservations asked, "Mr David Ng?"
It didn't hit me then, though the name struck a chord within. It was only a split second later when Hannah said, "Eh isn't that Mr Ng?" and then proceeded to shout his name and wave. I was shocked because he looked so different! He had this half? shaved head...I absolutely can't describe his hairstyle. Nevermind. And he had a moustache. And he was wearing a red football shirt...Man U?? Haha.
He was there with his family. His wife looked different too; she's looked different for each of the 3 times I've seen her - on their wedding day (awww), 2 or 3 years ago when he invited us to his house for Chinese New Year, and today. I think it's the hair - the first time I saw her, it was straight and long; the second time it was short, and today, it was brown, long and curly.
After Pastors and Sis Christie, Sis Jac etc arrived, they actually took the table beside Mr Ng's. And according to Hannah Pastors looked shocked to see us talking to this stranger...haha!
I'm feeling very nostalgic now, because I really enjoyed the time I spent in 5B Sapphire, when Mr Ng was my form teacher. I remember so many things about him and that year - how we were his very first form class at River Valley; how he used to always wear t-shirts and shorts; how he once got so mad with the class for being noisy, he smashed the long wooden ruler on the ground and broke it into two...I can still remember how he used to look when he was younger, the picture is so clear in my head. Despite this very vivid memory of him being so mad, what I see when I think of him is a smiling face. All these smile/laugh lines would appear on his face when he did. He taught us English, PE, Science and I think even Math for a short while, cos we pretty much saw him a lot every single day.
In P5 we had to keep a journal and submit it to our form teacher weekly and he/she'd make comments. I really enjoyed doing that because I told him about many things - I remember telling him about my trip to Korea, and also about praying. This was after I started believing in God for the first time ever after Heather (my ex-tutor) gave me a picture bible. Used to meticulously wrap an A5 exercise book with nice wrapping paper and pen "My Journal" along with my name, register number and class across it in black marker proudly.
I also remember going to this day camp with Hannah at his church, this boy in our group who looked so much like our classmate, Tony, laughing like crazy outside a coffeeshop one day after the camp with Hannah, because we didn't know how to order chicken rice! We were still giggling while ordering and eating. And we saw the Tony-lookalike at the coffeeshop too. His name was Sham. We joked that it was short for 'Shampoo'. LOL.
By association I also remember Mr Chung, our Geography teacher, and Miss Ng, who taught English but whom most people knew (also she was involved in Drama which was my CCA in P6). They got married after I graduated from RVPS.
Anyway, other than Heather (whom I still think about so much all the time and hope I can get back in contact with), Mr Ng is undoubtedly the only other teacher who's made a very profound impact on my life. I can't say that he taught me any specific lessons, but he invited me to his church for something and it was the first church I had ever gone to. He was also one of my confidantes through my journals at a time where I didn't have many. During this time my love of writing was born. And he was the one who wrote in my report book that I have "a good command of English", which was something I didn't realise until I saw that line. And until now, that phrase "a good command of English" is still etched in my mind. If ever I am unsure of my capabilities, I can be and am always sure that my English is good. Since then I've always done well in English and language-related subjects, like Lit. Thank God for that positive proclamation into my life, because I spent the next few years grappling with inferiorities with regards to my studies. But I never wavered in English.
I remember that once S. told me (when we were older) she used to be jealous that Mr Ng read my compositions in class instead of hers. Haha. In my opinion though, honestly, I think her language skills have faaar exceeded mine by now.
And then to remember that in my earlier years, my English really sucked until Heather came along - wow. It was all meant to be, wasn't it? One to make and one to confirm. Expressing myself in written English is so much a part of me now, I don't think I'll be the same person if I couldn't.
I remember one year I caught a really dorky pic of him opening presents from us, his students on his birthday. He asked to see the album, and when I got it back, that picture was missing. Lol. Like that also can?
He messaged Hannah telling her that his moustache was for his church musical and that he hoped we weren't too shocked. I spoke with him briefly while trying to look for the grilled chicken, after a few awkward glances and smiles each time I walked past himtrying to find the chicken (he was alone at the table for a while). He went, "Eh your carecell so rich can come Marche ah? I also want to join already." I told him that we were actually in the women's cell already. He then said, "I'll send my wife over!" He then started 'advertising' for his church musical and so I 'advertised' back. I actually haven't been in that much contact with him since I left RV, which is a bit of a pity because I think so much of him. Think Hannah has been in contact with him more. Wonder if he even has my number?
I feel nostalgically happy when I think about P5. So far, it's been my happiest school year. Yeah, my first and current semester at Monash have been awesome, but also very stressful at times. P5 was just so carefree, as far as I remember anyway. I never worried about friends or homework or anything much.
I'm going to dig out the journals I used to write to him.
Oh, and I remember Mrs Tsao (our form teacher in P6) telling us how 'jeaous' she was that in our first journal entry of the year, everyone wrote that they missed Mr Ng! Haha. She did grow on me in the end too, but not in the same way. In P6 he still taught us PE. I chipped my right front tooth that year during PE. All this is throwing up a ton of memories! Singing in the choir at his wedding, the story he told us about his girlfriend who was to become his wife, that silly purple shirt we were made to wear, Speech & Drama in P6, the horrendous make-up.........for some reason I still remember part of our main dance. P6 was more than a bit rocky though, so I really prefer the previous year.
All in all, I have this to say: Oh, the good ol' days! |
| posted by esther @ 12:29 AM |
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| Thursday, December 08, 2005 |
| school |
Thank God, I submitted the Interlearn activity due tomorrow before Monash took the website offline for maintenance! Finished the one that's due up next too. Yay. Finally got some proper work done. Been slacking around too much. Have still got to really get down and dirty for some serious studying!
I think I'm enjoying school a bit too much, for the wrong reasons as you'll see. The syllabus for Psych 1A is really really dry - history and foundation of psych, biological aspects of psych and other zzz-inducing stuff. Even in JC, while I loved Bio., I never got the whole business about how neural mesages are transmitted. Na+ and K+ channels opening and closing, polarisation, de-polarisation... Sheesh! Monday afternoon class was spent whispering and giggling with Huda and Cece and even secretly taking photos of ourselves and Ms Rani/Roja using Huda's very noisy digicam. =X Yes, very naughty of us. Poor Roja, she had to put up with our nonsense. But she's really very nice. Cece says she's going for a long break soon, after teaching for 3 years. =(
Was much more attentive during yesterday's morning class, and did get something out of it, though there were a lot of abbreviations I didn't understand. Luke kept asking me what they meant and my most consistent answer was "I don't know!" We were all early for once, and even came back early for the break.
Had ice cream for lunch after that at Suntec Andersen's. Huda and Razi couldn't join us, what a pity. It was actually because Luke lost to me for a silly bet we made. Pity I forgot to bring my camera! Had rum & raisin + chocolate. Yummy. I loved the rum & raisin, except the raisins - I think they were dipped in rum and tasted of alchohol so strongly they were bitter. I love rum & raisin, I don't understand why so many of my friends don't! Poor Cece got an upset tummy because of too much chocolate. And something really embarrassing happened to me... let's just say it involved bodily fluids. =X Left my file in the toilet twice too, how forgetful of me. We were also in a lingerie shop for a period of time because someone wanted to look at some stuff. Haha, yes, even the guy was inside. O.o |
| posted by esther @ 4:40 PM |
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| Tuesday, December 06, 2005 |
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I've added two links that I wanna talk about.
Good Christian Boy [http://goodchristianboy.modblog.com/]
A link I got from Lisye. Laughed like mad when I saw the title - who on earth calls himself a good christian boy??? No matter how much the phrase is used within Christian circles (prime eg., "Find yourself a good christian guy" which I find rather a rather tired thing to say because...nevermind that). Under his blog title, though, he puts "Blog of a Flawed Guy Trying to Get it Right", which makes up for the almost-pompousness of the main title. I like the writing, the honesty, the thoughtfulness. He never pretends that everything is a bed of roses, which sometimes I struggle with because I want to be a good testimony.
"The essence of my faith depends entirely on me possessing the substance of hope, and so that substance I have. But I will always be cynical about the world. The world doesn’t have Jesus and so I have every reason to expect the worst from it. It’s a strange tension that I’m only now beginning to understand.
It’s like walking into a field full of mines with a fistful of mustard seeds ready to be grown into trees. They can blow off my legs but they can’t stop the trees from growing."
The last line, to me, was pretty mind-blowing.
Celibate in the City [http://celibateinthecity.blogspot.com/]
Been following this blog for a long time, though I've never linked it until now. It used to be a collection of dating stories by a single Mormon woman, but she's stopped blogging those stories for a long time, being too depressed to do so. I don't think she dates anymore, by the way. Her most recent post was surprisingly touching:
"So I lay my broken heart at the foot of the Savior's cross. Let Him do with it what He will. I can not save myself. I am not good enough, not strong enough, not enough. I have run out of ideas, my strength is spent, my pride broken, my worldly designs lay fallow, even my faith has faltered. I am nothing. But if God still loves me, then what's left of me is for Him; heal me or damn me, I offer no resistance. My life, my will is His.
Even in this state, that is not an easy thing to say. I have clung greedily to my life--determined to squeeze everything I could out of it. Hautily assured that I knew what was right for me. I have kept the commandments but set my heart on the world. And I found nothing there but grief. I can see this now. I have selfishly pursued my own goals and continually ran from people who needed me. If I am truly to give my heart back to God, this will not be easy. But my choices at this point are to sink into mad isolation or put my faith and my life into God's hands. ....
The disingenuity of returning a broken gift to the Giver is not lost on me: 'Here God, my life sucks now so I'm dedicating it to you. I'm good for nothing, but I'm all yours!' Yikes."
I can totally relate, because I've done the same old thing so many times, only to find that my only way out is the One I should turned to first and foremost. Yet it is so tempting, so easy, to run around like an idiot and try to take matters into my own hands, to solve them using prescribed formulas offered by the world. To turn to material things and other people for comfort, validation, approval.
But thank God, He loves us so much He never turns away when we seek Him. And I can always come home to Him. After three years of many ups and downs, answered prayers and still unfulfilled desires, I'm glad and grateful that He's still the One (as in the Shania Twain song). =) |
| posted by esther @ 3:51 PM |
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