| Friday, May 20, 2005 |
| one fond memory |
I didn't ask the person in the pic if I could use her picture, so sorry if you're reading this and you don't like it. I'll remove it immediately if you just ask me to. =)
Anyway, this is my ex-chairperson from secondary school. I think if you live in Singapore you know what that uniform is. =P Secondary school wasn't a high point for me, in fact it was a low one. I shan't go into the details here.
But seeing this picture made me smile. You can't see the words on the board clearly, but there're Lit notes. Ah, Lit! The sole light in the darkness of those days. (Ok, I exaggerate. A little.) Romeo and Juliet - ach bleah all those old English words - and Lord of the Flies - the one I liked better. Before that, in lower sec, it was Sing to the Dawn and George Orwell's Animal Farm. I highly recommend LOF and Animal Farm. Especially LOF! I still have my Lit texts.
I remember that at the beginning, I struggled a bit with Lit. Then when LOF came along I got the hang of it and I was almost always right. I still remember my Lit/Eng teacher. She was quite chio for a lao char bor. Ok that sounds rude. =P But really, she was one of the nicest teachers I had in school then. It helped, of course, that I was one of her best students in the class. =P But she didn't call on me that much; she'd usually call those who weren't as good. Not to make things difficult for them, but to train them. She was a good teacher.
And I remember this poem about an onion. I forgot who wrote that, but we had that for the first time we were tested on a poem during an exam, and I flunked it. Many people flunked it. Thereafter I referred to it as "that stupid poem about an onion". Years later my best friend would rave about it, having discovered it for the first time. It's actually a poem about love and how it is wrapped in brown paper (onion skin) but is a very precious gift. I thought during my exam that the poet was being cynical about love and how it makes you cry (like an onion does). How far I was from the truth! Haha. I think I'll go and find that poem and post it here. I think it's quite interesting now, actually.
I remember the pig-hunting scene from LOF, the scene where this boy's body is swept out into the sea - I forgot his name. He was supposed to be a Christ sort of figure, because he was sacrificied for the boys. The only difference is, he never came back, but his death did bring about a change. Then that scene where Piggy died. The scene where they were finally rescued. The part where Ralph was being hunted down just like the pig.
As you can see, it's a dark story. I think I've given away too much of the story. Quite surprised I remember this much though. =) Makes me want to read the book again. |
posted by esther @ 1:02 AM  |
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| Monday, May 09, 2005 |
| 喜欢不一定要拥有 |
喜欢不一定要拥有。虽然会想要拥有，但是不需要一定拥有。因在主爱中，发现我是完整的一个。不需要另外的一半来使我完成。其实这样的话，即使爱，也不需要拥有。大家都知道“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有”这句话。不如来个“不在乎有没有，只在乎有自由。” 自己的，还有他/她的。当可以喜欢或爱一个人，但同时不让自己的情绪被他/她的一举一动所牵动，能够放开手时，才是真正的自由。
以前的我总是太在乎。现在的我应该可以放开了。自由了。只有在主爱中我才能找到这种完整和自由。这世上没有人能够更爱我。祢的爱是既真实又狂野又理智的爱。我想我这辈子也不可能爱任何人超过爱祢了吧。=) |
| posted by esther @ 12:44 AM |
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| Mothers' Day |
Mothers' Day can be an uncomfortable time for me. Because as much as I love my mother, I find it hard to express in physical ways. What's stopping me? I really don't know. The mawkishness of saying those three words, maybe, that I do mean. Bitterness? Disappointment?
She refused to come for service today, which made me upset. Said she doesn't like to sing songs and they make her want to sleep, and she has nothing in common to talk about with the people at church. True. I see that too. Some things I never understood, until I started working at the shop. Some things my church brothers and sisters will never understand, as well-meaning as I know they are, unless they've been there before. She finds it hard, even irritating, to talk to people who don't understand. But then again...we don't always have to understand someone to love that person do we? We can't expect everyone to understand us all the time do we? Would we then cut off the chances of a wonderful friendship with that person just because they don't understand?
Really, aren't they all excuses in the end. The week leading up to Sunday was quite awful. I actually felt sick to my stomach thinking of how those who'd brought their moms would be happy and how I'd feel totally awful because mine isn't there. I really didn't want to go, but I was to be on duty. When I finally asked her, she said she'd come at the end at first, but later changed her mind.
To be honest, sometimes I envy those whose moms have accepted Christ. I think about my own, how jaded and fixed her perception of life is. It's almost impossible, it seems to think that one day she could and would see past all the wrongs that have been done her, and see Jesus on the cross. And open her heart finally where He's been waiting so long.
I fear that I may have to live with the painful regret that my mom never accepted salvation and will be away from His presence for eternity.
Yesterday, when she changed her mind, I was so upset I cried. Not in front of her of course. But somehow in the midst of that arose a conviction to not give up. Because I believe in miracles. Because I remembered how I thought I would never believe, but now do. And I remembered people I know whose lives were steeped in sin who now live for Him too. And people who were jaded and cold too, who now live for Him. If that can happen for us, why not my mom? He loves her the same way.
So I prayed that Satan would not have my parents in the name of Jesus, amen.
Still today, I felt awful when they brought out the kaya for the mums present. My mom loves kaya. I felt so horrid then I teared. I wanted to just go out of the place then. Stupid kaya. But after that they gave a container of it to every woman there (12 and above). So my mom got the kaya as well. She had to complain that it wasn't thick enough, but well. She's still my mother. I think next to God she is the person who loves me most in this world. Perhaps need is mixed with the love, but well.
So Happy Mother's Day to all mothers, whether married or single, young or old. You are all beautiful. Happy Mother's Day to my mommy and my 'second' mommy - Aunty Mary. I didn't do anything to deserve your two daughters as my own sisters, and not for you to see me as a third daughter (though the middle one, haha) as well. When she held my hands today when I went to her after service, I think she rubbed away the frustration I was having about my own mom not being there. I'd be so happy the day she accepts Christ, too. Blessed is the child who is loved by her own kin, but even more blessed is the one who is ALSO loved and accepted to be kin by people who're not related to her by blood.
Last but not least, Happy Mother's Day to God as well, the One who said in Isaiah 66:13, "As one whom his mother comforts, So I will comfort you". Father, Mother, Brother, Best Friend, Master, Saviour, Husband, Lover... He is my All-in-One indeed! ;D ;D ;D ;D |
| posted by esther @ 12:05 AM |
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| Wednesday, May 04, 2005 |
| old journals: excerpts |
Was packing them into a box - you know, those self-assemble ones from Ikea. I used to write some really funny things, man.
sample 1 - the innocent childhood years
"Weather: Sunny
Date: 12-10-96
Gee, Diary,
I know I should write you everyday, but dah well, sometimes I feel soooo lazy I don't want to touch any paperwork at all, though one really shouldn't be so lazy. Tomorrow's my birthday, but on Monday, we have exams already. I hope I get 1 Band Two and 3 Band Ones, A for P.E., A for Music, again. Then I can go EM1 next year. Getting lazy again...."
[If you don't know, I ended up in EM2, but in the best EM2 class, because of my Maths!]
sample 2a - the turbulent teenage years (still quite silly though!)
"27/3/00
Dear Journal,
Am muching my way through lunch as I write. It's fried rice. Can you smell it? Of course you can't; you're an inanimate object. I can't; I've got a blocked nose. Haha.
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Today when *Sheela sat beside me in Bio Lab. I felt my heart beat faster...
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MY SORE THROAT IS KILLING ME!!!!
(Oh flu bug , flu bug, please leave me, I don't love you and you don't love me, why carry on? I knew I hated you before I met you! And I will hate you always!)
On 2nd thought, that was really dumb.
Y.Q.Y"
[As you can see, I was in a state of distracted sexuality then. Distracted because for the most part I still liked boys more than girls! Not confused. Now I am sure what I am - ramrod straight! On another note you can see influences from now-defunct pop group Savage Garden that I loved like crazy. They had a song called I Knew I Love You Before I Met You. ]
sample 2b
"10 PM
2/4/00
.....Sometimes I get so confused. I think I love my parents, but I can't accept their views. It's like they leave in another world. One that I have no wish to enter because it is harsh, bitter and cold. Is that what an adult's world is like? If so, then never let me grow up. I don't want to become like that.
But then again, it's not like my present world is so pure and untainted. If anything, it is composed of vanity and naivete. The only saving grace is that they are tinged with innocence. ..."
sample 2c
"10:21 PM
16/4/00
......I'm that insecure. Major big sigh. Dunno what is wrong with me. People just don't seem to want to be with me. ......"
sample 2d
"2:05 PM
18/6/00
Dear Journal,
I can't believe I'm back where I started again. Today is Father's Day. We're supposed to be out shopping. And what am I doing now? Lying on my bed writing in my journal, all the time sniffing away pathetically.
The person who gave birth to me is in the study drowning herself in self-pity. Her other half is outside doing something useful for once. When did he become like that?
The Hansons make wonderful music. But just one song "Dying to be Alive" hasn't changed a single fucking thing in my goddamned life. It must be punishment for losing my faith.
Nobody understood, understands will ever understand how I feel. The pain, the hurt, the anger. Only I can understand that.
I really can't imagine life in 10 years time. I'll probably be miserable then.
Both of them think I hate them, therefore they hate me. They hate me. They just think they love me. They'll definitely be better off without me.
I'll end up in Hell when I die. Cos' Satan loves me.
I shan't sign off. I don't know how to."
[Wow. All the lies I believed! Thank God that by His grace I now know I will not be miserable forever and that my parents don't hate me and that I will not end up in hell. That bit about 'losing my faith' - for a while I believed in God after reading this picture bible an ex-tutor gave me, but I 'stopped believing' during those years when I was all mad at the world. And thank God, now I know He doesn't punish us for these things. And yes, I was nuts about Hanson, ok?]
sample 3a - the jc years; still angsty but saved!
"11:44 April 26
Dear Lord,
I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. I should have. My feelings are really in turmoil now. I was probably in a state of shock and disbelief last night. *Ryan, attached??!! He who told *Dan that he had too many commitments and no time for a girlfriend.
It hurts, Lord, to know that there is a girl he likes, there is a girl whose hand he wants to hold, and who's accepted him too. That there is someone he thinks of a lot, because she is so special to him.
There. Now the tears are falling. God I hope nobody sees me in this state now! Only You, Lord. Only You.
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Can I undo my feelings? I can't. Maybe I won't. I tell myself there will be someone else, but now I'm thinking it's just gonna be the same again. My heart will break, and I'll never have anybody.
Did You feel like this on the cross? You must have felt much worse. Great is Your love, Lord, that You would go through all that for me, and do it once over, twice over. ......"
sample 3b
"Lord, Lord. My mom is saying all those things again. I'm really frustrated, mad, pissed off and upset now. Why is she so jaded. Why does she not understand!!"
[Here I got so angry I scribbled angry lines all over the page and even tore the nib of my pen through it. That's how upset I was.]
Ok that's all for now. I probably wrote the most during my JC years - what with the boys and everything! Lol. But it's quite a wonder to read what I used to think and feel and how that has changed and how I've grown. How glad I am that the last few years only served to make me closer to Him! Praise God! It is not that following Him has been all sweet. I still experience the whole range of emotions, though perhaps some things no longer have the same effect on me. The tears I've spilled over the pages of these journals! I'm glad, though, that after I was saved many of those were tears of happiness and of being ministered to by God. Unlike the time when I was in secondary school.
Some people I've spoken to, and to an extent even my own mother, think I may be/ am obsessive and a fanatic and possibly even crazy. But how can I not be crazy about Jesus who was crazy enough to die for me. The past few years...maybe I won't be around today if not for Him. Or I would be extremely jaded and angry. But I'm not, I'm not because it's His love that has carried me.
Ok, bedtime! zzzzZZZZZ. |
| posted by esther @ 1:07 AM |
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| reflections on work, etc |
Someone searched for the words "i've got the joy" on my blog. I wonder who? Haha.
Sometimes I am resentful for having to work. I want a holiday. I've been working since my exams ended last year. The only time I have is after work, the few hours of night. By the time I get home, I've usually missed all daylight altogether, and that makes me somewhat sad, because I am a day person and the passing of daylight saddens me.
I have tried asking for a break, but each time I do, either because I said it wrong or what, my mom gets really upset which makes me even more upset and Everything goes haywire in my life. I mean really Everything. Emotionally, I suddenly plunge into the dark depths and think of ending it all, hurting myself, throwing things and destroying stuff, screaming. Or everything. And I have actually done some of these things during those times.
Sometimes I wonder why is it that I become such an emotional wreck when Mom gets upset with me. It's a complicated story that stretches all the way back to when I was a child. But she is really important to me, and sometimes I think I could probably backslide (or rather, decide to - because it is alway a choice you make) because of her.
But when I think sensibly, I wonder how my parents do it, working the way they do. Almost 365 days a week minus public holidays and Sundays (sometimes they work on those days too) and up to 12 hours, take more or less. Then when they come home, they do housework. And I'm already collapsed on the bed. How do they do it? For the most part they never complain, despite the sheer amount they have already done. So who and what am I to complain?
And I think, after all, this life is just a transition period I'm passing through. It's ok if I don't have the temporal rest now - at the end of this race, my Beloved awaits. I shall have eternal rest in His arms, and I'll never have to go. If the little I put in now for my parents in what I know to be temporary will contribute towards their eternal salvation (which they have yet to receive), what have I got to lose?
Nothing. In fact I have all the more to gain. And have I not learnt a lot (even though I will only grudgingly admit so to them) from working this few months? And yes, the pay (with free transport and food and also housing! Haha!)! Great incentive, haha. I was in the shower when I thought, Hey, I'm a working woman now am I not. Haha. As a family our relationship is also better. Occasionally I still feel a little resentful about it, especially when people my age are having fun all day and I have to work work work. But the level of resentment is a lot lower now - I've grown, see! =D
And, like I always tell people, it's not what you feel, it's how you deal! |
| posted by esther @ 12:29 AM |
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| Tuesday, May 03, 2005 |
| ENCOUNTER AGAIN |
If you missed it the first time, don't miss it again!
Lifted that from Bro Jym's. Haha the real colour (on the postcard thing) is actually brighter. But still nice right! =D
I really had fun too. Loads! =D As you can see from the many =Ds. If only I can get pictures! Someone (More than one! hurhur) said I was very pretty that day.
But really. You just have to come and experience it. |
| posted by esther @ 11:31 PM |
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| Sunday, May 01, 2005 |
| on friendster |
Ok I should be in bed, but not really tired. Perhaps leftover adrenaline from Encounter Fest! Grin.
Looking at the photos of friends and acquaintances (yes honestly I barely even 'know' many of them), I am struck by how people change. Have changed. Plain, even tomboyish, girls become glamourous and fashionable ladies. There is this girl whom I briefly was attracted to in secondary school - I was in a girls' school! And really it is very normal for young people at that age to be attracted to the same sex - who is this total hot babe now, and has a boyfriend. She used to have short hair and was a tomboy, really. Actually, she was always a hot babe, just that she never realised it then.
And actually, all you really need to do is be neat and pay attention to your dressing, and you'll look better. Though it's also true that nowadays many young women know how to dress themselves well, and at the end of the day they all somehow look the same. So in the end it's really who you are that makes you different. Still, I think one should know how to dress.
The guys however all look more or less the same. Though most of the guys on my list I know from JC, because before then I was in a girls' school remember? Some of the guys from my primary school have changed quite a lot though.
And looking through the list I came upon this guy who asked me to take a picture with him on prom night. Haha I'd forgotten about it until just now. It was quite a thrill, cos' I'd always thought he was kind of cute in a geeky sort of way. We never really spoke to each other in class though, but I do know he is really really smart. I thought I caught him looking a few times during class. Hmm. And I have this feeling that he's a Christian...lol. Oh well. That was 2 years ago, and that picture was the end of that. (I wonder if he reads my blog...)
Sounds actually kind of novel-ish, huh? :P |
| posted by esther @ 2:17 AM |
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