| Wednesday, September 23, 2009 |
| wow. long time no see! |
i'm not even sure if anyone is following my blog anymore, lol.
i haven't posted for so long, it's been over a year! had trouble logging in because i couldn't remember my password. just kinda felt like there was really no point posting when there was so much i couldn't put into words, so much i couldn't understand, so much i was still processing, and so much i couldn't say.
i've realised that i'm a very private person afterall and i'll reserve my thoughts and ramblings for those closest to me. which means i probably won't be posting much, if at all.
a lot has happened in the past couple of years. i often wonder if my life would be 'better' if certain people had not come into my life, if i had chosen to take another path at certain crossroads. but i can't say i have regrets because it's not like everything has been horrible. good things have come along with the shitty stuff, and i wouldn't wanna throw out the precious baby with the bathwater.
besides, of what use are regrets? what's done is done.
i've changed. i used to think i was mature for my age. well, maybe i was, and my chronological age finally caught up with my mental one, lol. seems like my chronological age is chugging along happily while my mental age shuffles along reluctantly, dragging its feet like a petulant teenager.
there, i said it. i feel like a teenager, overwhelmed by what it means to be an adult. i'm nearly three years past legal adulthood, but in so many ways i still act and think like a child. and it's embarrassing, really, to realise that you're not as mature as you thought you were.
one major event that happened since i started this blog is that i left my first home church. i won't go into the details. i felt righteous and liberated at first, and believed i had found a new church that i would eventually grow to love and feel that i belong to. somehow, though, it just didn't take. maybe because it was so huge, i ended up feeling as insignificant as i did before i left my old church (the ironic thing is that my old church was tiny).
that was three years ago, and i still have some major unresolved issues. the people at my old church? they were my family. they were my friends. they were my leaders, people i looked up to for wisdom, support, and guidance. yet towards the end i felt betrayed, neglected, used. that's probably the real reason why i left, although there were other factors. after that, i'm not sure i can trust another church person anymore, regardless of whatever church they attend. in a way it's not their fault; sometimes people get so caught up in the 'mission' that they forget that people matter, and that relationships need to be nurtured.
nobody is perfect, and people will disappoint at some point or other. maybe it was misguided of me to hold my church members up to a higher standard than i do my 'secular' friends. but in a way they encouraged it. if only people could be more genuine with each other and not hide behind facades.
i seem to have digressed again, as i often do. the point is: i totally bought into the vision of life that my first church provided me with. i thought i had come home at last; this was it. for five years i poured my life and heart (and a lot of sweat and tears) into this vision. it was blind faith, and when i finally saw the cracks, it was too late. i had emptied myself out by then.
and now? i am still searching for my values, searching for myself. experimenting. i still believe in God, a personal God. when such a great love touches you like that, it stays with you. as for the rest of it... i don't know anymore. i no longer identify myself as a christian, because that places me in the same box with a lot of bull that i just don't buy anymore. my beliefs are deeply personal, and cannot be classified so easily. i'm not a christian. i'm just me, and God loves me. end of story. i don't go to church, i don't tithe, i hardly read the Bible. all of that is just extraneous. even if i did go to church, tithe, and read the Bible daily, it shouldn't be because that's what christians are supposed to do; it should be because God loves me. and He loves me regardless of whether i do those things. as of now, i'm just not into these things.
call me a hypocrite. maybe i am. maybe i'm just justifying and rationalising. but you know what? He doesn't care. labels are given by people. in the Bible, when God speaks, He never refers to those He speaks to as 'christians'; He calls them by name. He doesn't give a crap whether you wanna call yourself a Baptist, a Lutheran, or a Catholic. yet all this holds so much meaning for us human beings.
anyway, i've been meaning to post something about leaving church, since it had, and still has, so much impact on my life. i had meant to write a detailed post about exactly why and how i left, but too much time has passed and i've moved beyond that. there are things i miss about church. the fellowship, for instance. most of all, i miss the certainty i had about my life. i was once so sure what life was all about. i had a compass and a map, and (in my mind) trusty guides. now everything's just floating around, and it's scary, having to find my own way. amazingly, the only thing that's not changed is Him.
i'll just end abruptly here, since i'm stuck and can't think of a nice conclusion. =P |
posted by esther @ 5:39 PM  |
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