| Tuesday, September 30, 2003 |
|
You are Psalms.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, I don't exactly feel like a song waiting to happen today. Maybe an angst-ridden, heavy metal song that's more like noise pollution. Ha. Ha. Not funny. I should write in my journal about this. |
posted by esther @ 11:18 PM  |
|
|
|
|
|
Today was not a good day. Sort of had a disagreement, or whatever, with my best friend. We got pissed with each other. She feels I've not been studying and is worried, and the way she put it across...just pissed me off. This is so bloody unchristian. Right. So I haven't been working as hard as I should be. Well, I'm starting to pick up the speed already. Today, I did one Stats option paper. In the midst of doing another, from NJC Prelims from donno what year. But so what? I don't think I need to tell her, look, I'm working hard now. Why do I have to justify myself? My studies are crap. I bloody well know that. So sue me. I just don't like to talk about it with anyone, the only exception being God, cos' I can't and do not want to hide anything from Him.
Urgh. I suppose I am in the wrong. I don't know. Just damn pissed. The Bible says not to let the sun set on anger and disagreement. Heck, it's already 11:07 now. The sun set 4 hours ago. And I'm still angry. Don't exactly feel like resolving it either. Have to see her tomorrow for tuition.
This is sucky. |
| posted by esther @ 11:10 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
| I'M GOING CRAZY DOING STATS QUESTIONS!!!! ARGH!!! FEEL SO SUFFOCATED. BLEARGH. STRESS!!!! |
| posted by esther @ 10:47 PM |
|
|
|
| Monday, September 29, 2003 |
|
Ok, this is really weird. This chinese name just came into my head...Xinyue.
??????
I haven't even found someone I want to have babies with! What the heck...?!???
?????? |
| posted by esther @ 10:58 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
This thought suddenly came into my head. If I have a baby girl next time, I'll call her Hope.
Hmmm.
Hope. |
| posted by esther @ 10:56 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
Bleargh. Feel so full I feel like puking. Just remembered, when I was on the phone with Ben that night, Dad came and asked, "Who are you talking to? Boyfriend ah?" I said, "No lah, friend only..." After that I said to him, "Did you hear that? My parents always think I have a boyfriend." He said, "Yeah, mine think I have a girlfriend."
What irony. And how weird. Lol.
Conversation with Mom from some time ago (after putting down the phone with Sarah):
Mom: Who was that?
Me: My boyfriend lah!
Mom: Really ah...?
Me: Haiyah, anyhow say one you also believe...
Parents! Lol. |
| posted by esther @ 10:43 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, September 28, 2003 |
|
Just had a 2.5 hour plus chat with Ben. I feel so weird now. He's totally cool with it, which is, well. cool. It feels so weird. He's kinda matured too, and talking about the girl he used to like and a bit about how I used to like him...it's like talking about silly things we did when we were kids. That kinda thing. Maybe it feels weird cos' on my side, the fire/spark/whatever's gone now...not my type lah. Why did I like him last time? Not my type. Was telling him how it's very weird that one could want something so much and hurt so much cos' you found out you couldn't have it, and not want it anymore now. He agreed. Well...he said he kinda had a feeling about it, and that someone told him. I think I know who it is...can't remember if I told her not to tell, which makes me a little pissed (blabbermouth!) but what the heck. It's over, it's over.
Messaged him around 6, 7 plus? saying, "Hey, erm, I just suddenly realised it's already 'next weekend'..." and he said something like just got back from Bintan, msg you when I get home. I said it was ok if he was too tired to talk. Figured that he'd probably gone to Bintan with some friends, cos' he did that last year too. Think it was Malaysia, though. Anyway. At around 12 midnight he messaged me, "Wanna talk now?" and I got a little nervous and sent an SMS to Sarah saying, "Ben just msged me. Said. Wanna talk now? AH!" Oh wait, I thought I sent it to Sarah. I'd sent it to Ben instead. Which was like so embarrassing...but aiyah. Doesn't matter lah. I was telling him, after he said that he had a feeling about it, that I kind of didn't care whether he knew or not last time.
Yeah, well, it was a nice chat. At first I thought we were gonna talk about everything else under the sun except the contents of the letter...he brought it up first. Then we'd digress, and he'd go back to it again...until finally he said, "Oh ya, you said something about some Ben?" and I was like, "Oh ya that is so embarrassing...etc etc" and he was like, "Ah? It's me ah?" Then I told him it was an accident, blah blah blah...lol.
Weeeeeeirrrrrd. I feel kinda. Ah well. There's always a first time for everything!
Had a weird dream just now while napping...dreamt that Koustav fell out with Allan...something to do with the former leaning too much on the latter??? Lol. So "......-_____-||......" right....I think it had something to do with Friday after Chem lect, when the latter was saying something like, "Qing Ying! Save meee!!" when the former was leaning all over him (again)...lol. Later I went and sat on the other side of Koustav and he tried to lean on me, but apparently, I am "too weak" so he went back to Allan... 0-0 Haha. I have weird friends. Reeeaaallly weird. Even Ben is a weirdo sometimes. Aiyoh.
Lalilalila...I have weird dreams. =P |
| posted by esther @ 3:41 AM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, September 27, 2003 |
|
| Lol. Just remembered something...was stretching myself during GP today and accidentally hit Lydia's head. LOL. She was like, What're you doing man?? Lydia...She talks to her jacket lor! And she has strange friends who call their jacket The Thinking Jacket and their calculator Faithful & Loyal (so that calculator in question will not fail her during times of need)! She'd hammer me if she knows I talk about this on my blog...but she won't know! Hyak hyak hyak. |
| posted by esther @ 1:48 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
I miss SpongeBob leh...where did SpongeBob go??? To the hell of canned TV programmes? The hell of cancelled cartoons deemed too violent for kids? Lol.
News has been getting around that someone in C1 got B3 (after moderation of +5) for GP...which is, ahem, yours truly. I will not brag or boast. The glory is God's; truly and surely. I don't understand how I could have done well (well, B-standard well...) when I actually fell asleep reading my own essay on marriage and having kids...had done that topic to death and was so sick of it already. And the compre, I thought I'd fail...It's really God's grace man. I'm not being hypocritic when I say I really don't think I could have done it on my own...Thank God. =) |
| posted by esther @ 1:38 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
Hello hello hello. Went for care cell for the first time in really really long time. Cos' of exams and parents not being happy about me "spending too much time at church". Ah well. Apparently, Mom thought I was having tuition at church today...when I'd already told her my tuition is on Saturday. When she called and told me so, was quite...wary, I supposed, or more appropriately, apprehensive, that she'd start scolding me or asking, "Do you care about your studies or not??" Thank God, she didn't. She even said, "I won't disturb you then." I was thinking, oh man, did she really say that?? Anyway, today's care cell ended quite late and I was worried that I'd get scolded when I got back. Got like 10 missed calls from Mom's handphone when me and Sarah were outside recording video messages for the pastors (another story...). I was like, oh man, TEN???!! It was actually Dad calling using Mom's phone as I found out.
Anyway, dragged Peiting to take cab with me. She didn't have enough money, only 60 cents (LOL! How sad...) so she gave me 60 cents...haha. I'd have paid for her anyway lor...Dad called while shortly after she got off. Oh wait, actually he called before she did, but we were having this conversation and I didn't want to interrupt it. Didn't tell Dad I was taking cab. Got home still apprehensive, but it was all for nothing. Mom was in the kitchen teaching the new maid how to wash clothes properly. Suddenly felt really hungry despite being stuffed with food by Sarah's parents at her house before church, so begin devouring the remains of this bag of tomato-flavoured Twisties I bought last week. Dad looked at me, said, "Very hungry ah? I cook mian xian for you want or not?"
I was like, "Really ah?" Couldn't believe that he was being so nice to me even after I made him call like over 10 times to get me, and getting home so late...anyway, the mian xian, like he said, did need more sugar, but I ate everything anyway. Hee. =P
Thank God!!!!
Had diarrhoea yesterday, plus fever. Before GP, was feeling quite nauseous and rather cold. Somehow, though, without realising, as soon as I sat down beside Lydia in B32, I just felt better. GP's just so...cozy? Is it cosy or cozy ah? Both also can right? Anyway, went home after GP. Got my Judging Amy fix (LOL!), then slept from 3 to 6PM. Woke up, did quiet time, watched Holland V, parents came back for dinner, no appetite. Tried to do work after that but head felt heavy. Sarah said I should sleep cos' I'd only weaken myself further if I don't. So I went to sleep.
Came late for school on purpose today, didn't see the point of going to assembly when I could sleep more. Math tutorial had less than 10 people...messaged Huiqing and Xiangyan to ask if they were coming. All XY said was, "lect" and I was like, so you only coming for lect? Her reply was, "lectengel" at which point I gave up on asking further. Later HQ said it was cos' XY uses a combination of chinese and english but my phone cannot get chinese characters so I only see the english ones...
This photog junior of mine came over to talk to me when I was at the concourse writing my journal during a break. Was quite surprised. After like 5 mins, I realised I wasn't sure what his name was but was too paiseh to ask. He said he'd come down to take a walk cos' his civics tutor was not in class yet. After school, stayed back to do some work before adjourning (CHIM WORD! haha) to Sarah's residence (LOL). Same junior saw me, and thought I'd been there since morning. He was like, "Still here???" This time he stayed longer and said he still didn't know my name. So I got to ask, "You're Roger right?" He isn't. He's Edwin. Lol.
So long winded hor me. Haha. Sitting at the concourse after school, was interrupted (welcomingly by myself =P) 3 times by people...there was Edwin, then Jaryl, then the S61 people who thought I was was waiting for their lessons to end (I do that sometimes to go home with them). "SHIP! SHIP!" They went. Well actually, the nickname's Sheep....lol...!
Still am not in possession of Hope album by Hillsongs. Have gotten Lydia to help me buy from her church bookshop. Dear, dear Lydia. =) So rou4 ma2....hahaha. |
| posted by esther @ 1:33 AM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, September 24, 2003 |
|
Don't know why, but I felt quite vulnerable just now, all of a sudden. I was writing in my journal to God about Ben. Oh, now I've got to explain. Well, he's this guy I had a really big thing for, for 6 months in J1. He was from my first OG...and I was very happy that I was getting close to him at that time. Until I found out that he liked another girl who was a mutual friend. Blah blah blah. Anyway, I soon found out that she didn't like him and he knew it too. He was very down because of it, and I decided that I was gonna stick by him, be his friend and give him encouragement. It was painful, but I knew he was hurting too, and I could not bring myself to ignore it. Anyway, since he went to HCJC after the first 3 months, all contact has been mostly via SMS, and I am usually the one doing the sending.
Anyway, I don't like him anymore now. Somewhere along the way, God came and told me that he wasn't the right fit. It would never have worked out. But I still treasure our friendship a lot, how he was very open with me. I'll never forget that I talked to him one night on the phone for 5 hours (!!). Recently, I sent him this letter which I'd sent to a few other people. Printed it out and mailed it in a rush as I was late to meet some friends. The letter was a testimony of God's work in my life and I mentioned inside about how God was my strength and my pillar during that time. In short, I said something like, "I used to like this guy called Ben who liked another girl who didn't like him and he knew it." He'd be stupid if he didn't know it was him.
So last Saturday night he SMSed me, said he'd "read the first part of the letter, didn't really expect this but it was still very nice of you, and if you're awake now, we can talk...=)". Was quite busy at that time so I didn't reply until about 1AM. He said he was almost asleep and he'd probably be talking nonsense in that state..how about around 5PM the next day. I was like, ok, good night then. Then I suddenly realised that I'd mentioned in the letter that I used to like him. Broke into cold sweat for a while, but was ok after that. Cos' I'd been thinking that I'm ready to tell him already. It was just a little embarrassing to have it done this way.
Come Sunday afternoon, I reached home after service at 4:30, really tired. Decided to take a half hour nap. When the alarm woke me at 5, I was still very groggy and was seized by a sudden fear of what Ben might say. Wanted him to call first. Anyway, while contemplating whether to call him and worrying about it, I fell asleep again. Dreamt that he called, forgot what happened in the dream. Woke up at 5:50 still groggy. No news from Ben. So I SMSed him asking, hey, you still wanna talk? And fell asleep until about 6:30 when my parents came home. Was quite worried when he still hadn't replied by then. Had he read the whole letter and freaked out? Is he avoiding me now?
Finally, got his reply at around 8+, he said, how about next weekend (which is this weekend) cos' his Prelims would be over by then. So it would be this weekend. I wonder what's gonna happen, what is he gonna say? Some of my friends think that maybe he'd say he likes me. Well, I really hope not, cos' I would really hate to cause him pain. I know now that he's not right for me, not now, at the very least. Today during the crazy 7-period break, I told Huiqing about it, and she was like, "Say yes...say yes!!" Didn't know how to tell her that Ben's not what I'm looking for anymore. That even though I may still have residual feelings for him (I'd be lying if I say otherwise), I don't want this anymore.
Lol. Why am I talking about this even? I don't think he likes me lah...even if last time I thought maybe he was just this little bit touched by what I did for him. But that's another thing altogether. Ah. What will be, will. No point thinking or worrying. I'll know by this weekend. So weird to find myself here now. To think I wanted it so much, hurt so much when I realised I couldn't have it, and now, I don't want it anymore. Isn't it weird. |
| posted by esther @ 12:39 AM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, September 20, 2003 |
|
| Oh sigh. Why is the comments link in the middle of nowhere again...I suck at HTML. Nevermind.... |
| posted by esther @ 1:09 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
Today I went to meet the same people I went out to have dinner with yesterday minus one of them. At 5:30PM, cos' I wanted to watch Judging Amy. What a nut I am, eh? Lol. Anyway one of them was also meeting the rest at that time. We were going to see if we could buy tickets for The Magdalene Sisters. Which is R(A). About how some girls who were considered 'bad girls' (because some were single mothers, some were raped, some were supposedly flirts), were sent to this convent which was like hell. I don't want to watch it cos' of the R(A) part. I just want to know the story. I remember the last time I wanted to watch this movie called Snow Falling On Cedars, but it was R(A) too! Don't know why. Now my school library has the VCD for it.
In the end we ended up walking around quite aimlessly as we always seem to be doing. Went to Mac and ate something, then walked around until like 6 plus...someone asked me what can we do now? I suggested, have dinner? So we found ourselves at nooch. Ordered duck noodles and pan fried thai noodles. Not bad. Quite value-for-money considering the large portions. 2 people can show 1 bowl/plate lor...Not like the food is anything to die for, but quite nice lah. Throughout the meal there was disco-type music playing and this weird vacuuming sound...which we later realised was really the blender from the bar. Lol. This is getting to sound like a food review from 8 Days...
Quite happy today! Cos' I actually sat down for 1 hour just now to do Maths TYS question. Functions. One of my worst chapters, my worst subject. One hour! And the day after my Prelims ended. I can't believe it. Never felt so motivated and actually ACTED on it. Wow. So happy. Thank God. =)
I wanna get my As!!!!
Tomorrow I'm gonna buy the Hope album by Hillsongs. Yay! Grin.
Comment, people, comment! Hahaha. |
| posted by esther @ 1:02 AM |
|
|
|
| Friday, September 19, 2003 |
|
Hello. This is my new blog, to prevent any unauthorised personnel from peeping into my private life again. Ask me about the "whyqueuewhy". Nevermind, I'll tell you anyway. My initials are YQY --> Why Queue Why, geddit? Oh shoot. I just realised that by saying this out here people are gonna start calling me Why Queue Why in school...no!! After all those nicknames I've been given...ranging from names of animals to names of desserts...I think some of my friends don't even call me by my real name anymore. How sad. SIGH.
Today my Prelims ended. I don't wanna get back my results, cos' I know I'm not gonna do well and it will be so demoralizing. Ah well. Can't hide or run when the time comes...went to the KFC at Wisma after that with 61 friends. Erm, not sixty-one friends. Friends from 02S61...haha. Pigged out again. I've been eating sooo much junk since PE stopped and have not exercised one bit, but I weighed myself a few days ago and I haven't put on weight at all! In fact I think I'm 1kg lighter than before...huh? Is it the stress? Is it God? I don't understand why God would wanna do this for me, though. Like what purpose does it serve? Anyway, still thank God lah. =)
After that, we decided to walk around. Somehow ended up at this toy fair at Taka Square. First thing I saw were these boxes and boxes of toy models from some perverse computer game (I presumed it was a game) called Tortured Souls 2. As the title suggests, those things were really gruesome. Appalling. Disgusting. Gross. Horrendous. Hideous. I've seen such ugly creatures in my whole life. There was this fat thing with a huge hole in its belly with rotting stuff inside. One of its eyeballs popping out on a green stalk. Bones, tissue exposed. There was this green horse(?) thing with a torso growing out of its torso. Another thing had a pick of some kind stuck in his face. Then there was this woman (can I even call it a woman?) with red tubes that go to her back coming out from where her nipples are supposed to be. This one sells for 3 bucks. The rest of the 'male' figures go for 5. Chauvinistic price tagging too?? Geez. How can anyone even think of selling these things at a TOY FAIR for God's sake. It's so sick. Was really disturbed by it. Saw this guy holding a basket full of the stuff. Oh man. There're people who collect these things?? For what?? And I really wonder what kind of demented, tortured mind conjures up these creatures. What's wrong with the people behind the toy fair. Putting it right at the front with big posters announcing the cheap price some more...It's just sad that there're people in this world who're so empty they have to seek excitement or whatever in this...donno what. I don't suppose, though, that I've seen the worst. Oh sigh.
Anyway, I came home, watched TV, bathed, watched TV, wrote notes to go with the Jesus Works cards I was gonna send to some friends. Jesus Works is a series of special sermons whereby other people other than the pastor will preach. So yeah. Then came online. Tomorrow--well it's already tomorrow, technically, I'm gonna sleep late, watch Judging Amy at 2PM. Yes yes laugh if you want I like Judging Amy ok! I like the character Kyle. =P Yeap. Then I'm gonna do some Math TYS before going to meet my friends at Suntec...wooooh! Have tuition on Saturday though, and have decided to start planning my revision timetable by Sunday night...haiz. JC life.
Speaking of JC life, it's kinda sad that I've got to leave soon. It feels like I just got here. And there're people I just started to get closer to. And now I have to go?? I'm sure gonna miss these people. I might not bare my heart and soul to them (that's reserved for God, and on secondary terms, my best friend), but I've been seeing them practically everyday for almost 2 years. Did crazy things together, cracked lame jokes, complained, slacked, stressed out, occasionally gotten pissed at each other...lol. I'm not afraid to say this; I hated secondary school cos' I was so lost and alone. Then God put me in SA, gave me friends, then made me aware of His presence in my life, which it's been so different since.
God just rocks. =)
Yeap. Should I go and sleep now? Typing this has made me quite awake, actually. Haha. Hyper. I've really not been sleeping much this week. Think I'm getting retarded. Just a few days ago, I thought the alphabet has 24 letters, instead of 26. Yeah, laugh lah laugh lah. Already got laughed at by some people liao. You know who you are!! =PP
Yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap yeap.
Haha. |
| posted by esther @ 2:22 AM |
|
|
|
|
|
