| Tuesday, July 13, 2004 |
| Thoughts on Celibacy |
I am a frequent reader of a blog by a Mormon woman. In her own words: "The misadventures of urban dating for a mormon woman outside of Utah. These are my stories of horror and sorrow, mixed with some insanity, as I try to navigate my way through Gotham as a celibate in search of a mate. Enjoy these not-so-torrid tales of painful celibate dating in the midst of mammon."
By all accounts I enjoy her writing very much, and even empathise at times. Once she wrote something about how our hearts are like puppies that have to be smacked in order to learn, and I could really relate to that. But I don't share her view, or the view that her writing seems to portray; that celibacy is painful. Why should it be?
Maybe it's because she is celibate because her religion tells her to. It is, perhaps, to her, a restrain that she endures and carries out for the sake of doing so.
A couple of years ago I thought that there was nothing wrong with having sex with someone if you really loved them. I was certainly curious about sex and what making love to someone you loved would be like. I didn't think that kissing on a first date was anything much. I thought it old-fashioned of my mom when on one occasion she voiced the opinion that kissing only after 3 months of dating is too soon.
People think I'm a goody-goody innocent little girl, but I'm not. That's all I'll say. I have a side that probably only God and me know about. That's why I'm so astounded by His love, that never stops inspite of how unworthy I am. Unworthy to be loved by a being so pure and holy. And yet He loves me, more than anybody ever did, ever does, ever will. They say love is blind. I say only infatuation is blind. Real love sees all, knows all, yet understands, forgives, accepts.
Now, having known the love of God, I am proud to say that I'm saving myself for my husband. I'm thankful, too, that God never allowed me to be tempted with it before I got to know Him. Knowing how I was in the past, I think I may not be a virgin today. In fact, I'm not even going to allow my boyfriend to kiss me on the lips until we're married. He should understand why I'm setting these boundaries.
I make these choices to rein in my desires to protect myself and my husband. I don't think sex is dirty or taboo. I think it's a beautiful expression of love. I think it can be a mind-blowing experience, as well as great fun. I would really like to do it with the love of my life. Some people reject Christianity because it says, Don't do drugs, don't have sex before marriage, don't smoke, don't gamble, don't cuss, don't do this, don't do that, blah blah blah. What people don't realise is that God wants the best for us, and these things harm us, and it hurts Him to see us hurt ourselves.
Another thing: Christianity does not equal God. Christianity is just a name. I am a Christian because I acknowledge Jesus as my Savior and I have a personal, intimate relationship with him. Not because I go to church every Sunday. There are plenty of people who go to church every week but have no idea what Jesus is really about. There are people who go around shouting at you that you'll go to hell if you're not Christian. False. Christians can go to hell too. God knows every thought you think even before it is conceived. He knows if you really care. Yes, it is also true that if you're not a Christian, you will go to hell. But it's not about hell. It's about His love. I didn't become a Christian because I was afraid of hell. In fact, I rejected Christianity at one time because I thought it was idiotic to become Christian to 'escape' hell. I became a Christian because His love touched my heart.
I can be rebellious and willful at times. Sometimes I want to do things that He says not to. Sometimes I do them anyway. But I know why I shouldn't be doing those things. That's why I am saving myself. That's why me and my boyfriend won't be making out or necking, much as we may want to. If he doesn't end up being my husband, well, too bad. There should be a common agreement that we do this because we want our married life to be great and untainted by previous relationships.
Kissing is such an intimate act that some sex workers don't let their clients kiss them. Kissing also happens to be an act of foreplay, and isn't foreplay part of sex? Why fan the flames of fire when you can avoid igniting any sparks in the first place? All this pent-up sexual frustration is not good, you say. Ah. But God has given me a will to overcome my basal instincts. That's why humans are of a higher order than animals, isn't it?
But animals do it for the sake of procreation, you say. We do it for recreation. We can make the choice to do it not simply for precreation, while animals are merely driven by their instincts to make babies. True. But isn't it lust and the need to satisfy it that drives us in sex? What does it say about us, if we can't control it?
Ok, but we do it to express our love for each other, you say. You know what, that's not necessarily wrong, like I said earlier. But people don't realise that it's more than that. It leaves marks on us that we can't see. (On the other hand, there are those that we can see.) It's so intimate that I wouldn't want to share it with anybody other than my husband, the one I've chosen in Christ, and who has also chosen me in Christ. There would be no comparison, no need to perform to any standard set by previous lovers. It would be a new and fresh experience. Maybe clumsy. But it wouldn't matter because we've chosen each other to do this marriage thing with. And really, I'm selfish too. I don't want to share my man with any other. Which is only fair that I keep myself for him, right?
I have the power to say no in the face of temptation. I don't have to say no. I can say yes. I can give in. But why give in? The power to be able to say no frees me. To be able to make this decision to say no, even when I want it, and when it is already a norm in society; to do so not because I am a slave to anybody or anything, but because I choose to, frees me.
When I walk in Christ, I'm free. And victorious! ;D |
posted by esther @ 7:54 PM  |
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