| Monday, August 30, 2004 |
| Did God SMS Me? (And Other Stuff) |
Got this SMS from an unknown person who did not reply when I asked him/her about his/her identity. Apparently Hannah got the same message too.
"1. God cares
2. God loves us unconditionally.
3. He forgives
only Christ the Living Bread can satisfy our spiritual hunger. amen?"
Adrielle said maybe it was God. Haha. I'd be so honoured if God SMSes me! Actually, come to think of it, He does! Through my dear brothers and sisters when they use verses and words to encourage and strengthen me. =)
Who are you, Mystery Person??
Have not blogged for a while. This is because exams are coming and I've been staying offline, coming on only when I have to check my email and other important stuff. Heh. It's nice to be offline actually. I'm proud of myself. =)
I want to blog about what was preached on Sunday. Another day, since I can't really remember much as I was busy helping Tommy with his weird HP and laughing with Sheena about silly things. xP My bad. : P
Oooh. I found out on Sunday that I can not only jump, but kneel as well while doing projection! I can, in fact, jump on the platform, though rather precariously. Only enough space for half of my shoes. But I can step off it and jump and still be able to reach the keyboard. =)
We were singing and my knees felt weak again. (In case you don't know, this happens to me when the glory of God overwhelms me, compelling me to kneel in front of His majesty. =)) To kneel or not to kneel? I thought. Ah, heck. I'm kneeling. Rested my knees on the platform, which enabled me to be of a high enough vantage point to see. I also realised that if you're familiar with the song (or even refer to the printouts much!), you don't have to depend on the worship leader for cues, though it helps when he/she wants to lead the song another way. =)
New church laptop. Bro Jym's I think. Have to be careful with the touchpad (is that what it's called??). Very sensitive, resulting in PowerPoint going back to 'Drawing' mode at one point. : P And a little slow to respond when arrow keys are pressed as well, so best to press a fraction earlier (how much earlier is the question) to avoid delay. Seriously, you'd think pressing buttons would be easier than singing. I tell you. It's neither a simple nor small job. And I am very honoured to be serving. Thank God that all He requires is a willing heart from us to serve. There have been times when I have felt that I wasn't good or worthy enough. Thank God. =)
I'm one happy princess of God. =) |
posted by esther @ 11:53 PM  |
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| Saturday, August 21, 2004 |
| How Can You Not See Him? |
Got this from Sarah.
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| posted by esther @ 9:00 AM |
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| When Stupid Eggs Talk |
Ok this is quite silly and stupid, but it made me laugh.
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| posted by esther @ 8:54 AM |
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| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 |
| Thinking Much |
I can't post on my own tagboard which is kind of annoying. Unblockable pop-ups annoy me all the time.
Nothing much these days, but thinking much. Trying to get into the rhythm. Watching Olympics. They are inspiring. Some of them are my age, even younger. Holding their own, more than holding their own. What is it that drives them? What is that which makes them different?
What is it that drives me?
Some of them look scary, particularly tennis women. Huge! Swimmers too. I think female swimmers look best when receiving medals and male swimmers look best in the pool. I just think they (the women) are very pretty, and they somehow seem to emit a glow. The men. Whoa, when they're ripping up the waters. Out of the pool, they aren't as imposing or scary...and well. None of them particularly much to look at.
Saw this medal presentation for some swimming event (I can't remember what) with Michael Phelps taking the gold, this Canadian guy the silver and this Japanese guy the bronze. Phelps had funny hair, and the other two just seemed awkward, especially the Jap guy who had tan lines on his face (from wearing goggles).
I like Ian Thorpe. Had a crush on him 4 years ago. He is an amazing person. There was this Reader's Digest article on him 4 years ago, it was about his friend (best friend?) who has some kind of disease, and how Thorpe took care of him.
Australia lost in the 4x200 breaststroke relay (I think), Thorpe being the last swimmer. They lost to the USA. The commentator said that Thorpe "isn't the man he used to be." Ouch. (And he is only 21!) I guess that's how it is in sports huh.
Swimmers have this weird body shape (well to me at least). Huge shoulders and chests, and almost frog-like legs. Imposing. Especially Thorpe, who has this very dark blue (almost black) full bodysuit. Like some kind of...monster.
Susilo looks really cool on court, but off court, with his heavily-accented English and stiff demeanor, painful to watch, because he is so awkward.
Yep, I think sportspeople look best doing what they are good at.
Beach volleyball is sexy. =P I think the cameraman who kept focusing on this particular player's pert butt would agree.
She called me the other night, and I didn't really know what to say to her. What do you say to someone who knows the answers, but is unwillingly to take the steps? And knows she is, too. I felt like crying. After I put down the phone, I did cry. I wish I was more articulate, that I could find the words that could change things. Make it right. But only one person can do that, and she won't turn to Him.
Which made me think about a few other 'her's and 'him's I know, who are like her.
How is it that, having known His goodness, some can turn away, to a world that only offers temporal satisfaction? How is it that on Sunday you cry out to Jesus and say you only want to live for Him, and then on Monday crave the acceptance of some guy who is totally not worth your heart?
There are verses in the Bible that fill me with holy fear; that verse that says only few enter the gates of heaven (how few???) and the other one that says not everyone who cries out to Him, "Lord, Lord!" will be accepted.
She said she cannot resist the world. Why, my heart cried. The world can give you nothing. Don't you know that?
It's not like I am so holy and pure that I have never been tempted. I am tempted every single day. But I have never forgotten that the world can give me nothing of lasting value. I have always known that only He can give me what my heart desires. Sigh. Perhaps it is the age difference.
A friend of mine told another that she has a crush on him. She'd asked me if she should tell. I said that if it really didn't matter to her what he said/did in reaction, then I saw no harm. But by the time I replied she'd already told him anyway. He said to be friends first. I asked her if she was ok with that. She said she was unsure, confused.
I often receive emails that tell me to seize the moment and tell the guy I like/love that I like/love him, or it may be too late, etc etc.
Do those people who write those things know what true love means anyway? I'm not saying we should all keep our love in our hearts till our daying days. I simply think there is a time and a place for everything. The culture around us fills us with such notions. And so we bravely step out thrusting our hearts out on these fragile platters, only for them to be trampled on, pushed aside, ridiculed, crushed, and broken by people who have no idea what love is.
Sometimes, to restrain is to love.
Sometimes we do not do things that we want to, because we do not want people to know we want to. I am trying that out now.
But I am still such a sucker for cheap thrills.
Cheep, cheep, cheep~! xP |
| posted by esther @ 2:41 AM |
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| Friday, August 13, 2004 |
| Cheap Thrills and Crushes |
They go together hand in hand.
I'm such a sucker for cheap thrills.
Do crushes live off cheap thrills, or do cheap thrills live off crushes?
Sarah says the latter, because it wouldn't be a cheap thrill if not for the crush.
But then if were not a crush, there would be no cheap thrill to experience at all.
The excitement of a crush lies in the cheap thrills - the smile, the briefest mention, the words spoken, the simplest, most innocent acknowledgement by the one you have a crush on gives you thrills.
Why do we have crushes, anyway? Why do we get attracted to other people in the first place? What is it that keeps us "in crush" even though the possibility of anything happening is remote and obscure? Even though we know very well, that we couldn't possibly handle it if our wildest dreams came true? Why and how has simple admiration and respect (in this case) led to a crush?
We are blessed with logical minds, but are ruled by our hearts, not only metaphorically, but physically as well. How strange. Am I the only one who thinks that we humans are the strangest creatures of all? There have been times in the past where I've felt like an alien in my human body. And in a way, I am. For home is not earth, but the heavens! =) |
| posted by esther @ 2:35 AM |
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| Thursday, August 12, 2004 |
| "But what then, Señor?" |
(Mouyi sent this to me by email.)
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Señor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Señor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Señor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, Señor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, Señor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
"You mean being a Harvard MBA, you have to go through all that to finally get to where I already am, Señor?"
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| posted by esther @ 2:20 AM |
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| Tuesday, August 10, 2004 |
| Ok I Have to Say This |
Yes yes it's my third post of the day already, but I think I deserve to veg out a bit after all that drama you know. I must say this on my blog, even if the subject of what I wanna say is gonna be even a teensy bit uncomfortable:
TOMMY HAS ACCEPTED CHRIST!!!!
It happened last Friday, and boy I never imagined I would see Tommy kneeling in front of God in humility on Sunday. Sheesh makes me wanna cry already.
We are all so extremely proud of you!!!! Heeheehee. *grin*
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| posted by esther @ 4:07 PM |
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| Angel |
I woke up this morning, at around 6 AM, to find her on my blanket near my feet, asleep. That was so cute and sweet. She slept there for by my feet for the rest of the morning. She's really good at pulling at heartstrings, this little one. *smiles*
Most common reaction to this photo: "Is that a real dog???"
That's not my room in the picture, since Angel's not my dog; she's Sheena and Jo's.
Real dog VS Toy dog. Real dog wins.
(Click on the pictures!) |
| posted by esther @ 3:33 PM |
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| Too Much Soap Opera Drama |
I went to Sheena and Jo's house last night for a sleepover, since it was National Day and my parents are in HK on business and the first episode of Singapore Idol was going to be shown and I didn't want to watch it alone. Plus I missed their doggie Angel. I thought it would be a normal uneventful night, but it turned out much the other way round. I can't talk about it, but it was overwhelming. It's hard to see someone you love in pain. To think that 2 years ago I used to put people through that kind of worry and pain too. Of course, I'm sure they didn't blame me, and they did all they did willingly for me because they love me. And so it was what we all thought last night too.
I just got home about an hour or so ago, came online to check my email, and saw that I had an email from someone I love. As it is, I can't talk about this either, but it was like the last straw. I'd reached my daily quota of soap opera drama in real life, and the tears came. I'm not sad or anything. Actually the email made me feel glad. Just overwhelmed by everything that's been going on. Didn't exactly know why I was crying too, except that I was overwhelmed. I guess I'm relieved too. Lives may have been lost. Still I saw God's hand working even last night. So thank God and praise God for preserving us all. He is good, after all. He is always good. Always. |
| posted by esther @ 2:09 PM |
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| Sunday, August 08, 2004 |
| More...and More...and More... |
Of Jesus.
He seems to be flooding me with assurances nowadays, in response to my often inner and secret thoughts of why it is that people around me seem to be receiving more signs and revelations from Him than myself. Now I really cannot complain anymore, or feel like there is not enough. Silly, silly, silly me.
Today before praise and worship, while Bro Ed was praying, I had my eyes closed. Suddenly I saw a sort of 'flash', even though my eyes were closed, and sensed that someone was standing in front of me, and was very near. Startled, I opened my eyes. There was no one. Then I felt in my heart that it was God. He was in front of me, before me. I've never had this sort of experience before.
Then when we were closing the service, I had my eyes closed and it happened again - this time it was as if someone had walked past in front of me. Opened my eyes again and of course there was no one. Soon after Sis Carel quoted a verse about God crossing over before me. It hit me so hard I felt my mouth open in an 'O' of surprise. I may have gasped too. =P Ok, maybe this sounds like a whole lot of spiritual babble to some people. But I know and say with certainty that even if I had not experienced these supernatural signs, I would still know that God is real. But now that I have, I am ever more assured of His power. It's as though He's saying to me, "Qing Ying, you doubt that I will help you conquer? See what I will do for you now, and trust."
I asked her what verse it was, and she said Deuteronomy 9:3. When I looked it up, the significance of it hit me. First of all, the title: Not Because of Israel's Righteousness. Whoa. Recently I have been struck by occasional bouts of not being worthy enough to worship. But realised that it was not because of my own goodness/purity/holiness/righteousness that I am able to stand in front of God, but because of His accepting love, which then cleanses me so that nowI can stand in front of Him in righteousness. It goes on to talk about how God will drive out my enemies, formidable as they may seem. What really hit me again was verse 3 in its fullness: "But be assured today that the LORD your God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire."
Devouring fire!! Did I not see a fire (August 05 entry) a few nights ago! Man.
Sheena passed me a card afterwards with verses that came to her when she was praying for me today. One was "Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18. My NIV Bible puts it in a different way, but when I read it in context I was struck by the significance of it all. It's too personal to talk about, but it spoke to my difficulty in loving certain people and showing it too. And the thing was, when Bro Ber was praying for me, he said the same verse too. When I first heard it it didn't exactly make sense, but now it does. =)
Next. She had another verse from Ephesians 3:12, and her version was different from mine yet again, but when I checked it out in my NIV Bible, it spoke to me too.
All the verses that were given to me today spoke to me about the issues I've had to deal with recently. I am endlessly amazed by the way He works. I am endlessly amazed that He loves me. What a privilege it is to be so cherished by such an infinite eternal God. That He even treasures my tears, and records them down. That He knows me in all my ugly nakedness, and loves me. And heals me. What a privilege, that I can call Him mine, and to be His! Alvin said something today that really struck: "Our hearts were made for eternity." The significanc of such a simple statement! My heart, my silly, foolish, reckless heart, often so fickle and deceitful, was made by God to contain eternity. In fact, He has already placed eternity in my heart!
I am full to bursting. |
| posted by esther @ 11:32 PM |
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| Saturday, August 07, 2004 |
| Flyers, Anyone? |
I bumped into Lydia today after tuition. Went to Tampines Mall, intending to get new shoes, but the NETS card was spoilt. Felt very insecure walking around with a spoilt NETS card and not enough cash to buy new shoes. : P In any case I shouldn't be used to carrying around a big sum of ready cash and feeling insecure if I don't have "enough". Bleah. God has already blessed me so abundantly in this area. Why feel insecure??
Anyway, as I walked out, I saw this very familiar looking person. We must have stood there staring at each other in disbelief for a few seconds before I went, "LYDIAAAA!!!" Lol. She was my GP classmate and we used to draw silly doodles on each other's papers and not pay attention. xP It was really nice seeing her again; she looked good. First time seeing her out of SAJC uniform.
I must have missed her on her way in, since her shift was from 12 to 2 PM. But I’m glad I didn’t on the way out! Haha. Stayed with her till her shift’s end, and helped her give out flyers too. It was interesting. You notice things you usually won’t, like how this guy put up his hand in a gesture of refusal, but it was kind of effeminate. Lydia was saying, "Got so much time to make funny gesture no time to take one piece of paper!" Lol. And a lot of people just rush past looking cranky. Gosh, I hope I don’t look like that when I walk around in public! I shall make an effort to smile more and be nicer to people who give out flyers and people doing flag day. I am reluctant to say the same for Prudential and AIA people though. I've been so hassled already I dread the thought of approaching the MRT station where they lurk, ready to pounce with their "one-minute questionaires" and "plans". Bleah.
There were these jokers who, having gotten the same flyer from someone before us, handed it back to me, and started laughing like crazy like it was the biggest joke in the world. It was actually kind of rude, but well. I didn't really get annoyed. I was only there for barely half an hour; had I stayed longer I’d have gotten really grouchy. Lydia said that after being there for a few hours her smile becomes a grimace. Lol. And that she was glad she met me because she was so bored, she had gone into the stage of talking to the flyers already. There were lots of other people giving out flyers, including this M1 fella with a billboard and this Long John Silver's guy. They seems to be some kind of camraderie between people giving out flyers. Maybe because of their "common plight". Lol.
Ran into two incidents of kids throwing tantrums in public today, and started wondering how I would react if my kid(s) did this. I hope my kid(s) is/are not the kind who throws tantrums in public. The balance between loving and spoiling! |
| posted by esther @ 11:25 PM |
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| Streams of Praise Concert! |
Woohoo!! I love Streams of Praise songs. Well, it was great. We were kind of late but still managed to get seats in the chapel or whatever the room was. =D While queueing up, there was this aunty behind Bro Ber, but somehow without anyone noticing her place became in front of him instead. Don't know if it was deliberate or she herself hadn't notice either, but anyhow, it doesn't matter. I was beside BB, and he almost put his arm around the aunty thinking it was me! Lol. That was funny.
The Streams of Praise people look just like in the DVD. Well, duh. What did I expect them to look like then? To far away to really see what they look like, but there was this guy with a violin, that was really cool.
Was not used to sitting down and singing, but that was the only thing. How to describe? It was just really great. He touched my heart, and I had a lot of fun. I love to worship and praise Him! Heh. It was also really cool to see other young people worshipping.
Chinese songs have always been very close to my heart; maybe because I really grew up speaking Chinese, even though in latter years I "discovered" English and am now more fluent in English than Chinese. There's just some things that can't be described the same way in English. I don't know. The words just cut through. Or rather, it's like they were from me in the first place.
They didn't have Autumn Rain though. =P
Really looking forward to service tomorrow! It's the first time in a few months that I have a little break, and it will be interesting worshipping from the pews again, instead of from the altar or behind the computer...heheh. Whatever it is, it will be great and I'm looking forward to my next duty too. *grin*
I'm so so so so so happy. What more could I want? |
| posted by esther @ 10:17 PM |
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| Thursday, August 05, 2004 |
| Fire? Miracle? Vision? Natural Phenonemon? Burning Bush? |
Not George Bush... =P
Last night I saw something weird. Having come out from the toilet, I happened to look out the kitchen window and noticed an orange glow in the distance. Well, it was more than a glow, I seemed to be looking at part of an orange glowing sphere. A ball of fire? Amongst the trees in the distance (on a small hill I think), and it was casting an orange glow in the black sky.
I kept looking at it wondering what it was. Thought of going to get my parents, but I thought they were asleep; only later I realised that their TV and lights in their room were still on. Anyhow, there was something mesmerising about the fire or whatever it was. I thought of Moses' burning bush, but brushed it aside. But if it was a fire, how come there was no ambulance? I'd have heard it, since the location was so near. But everything was going on as normal as it did at this time of the night. Perhaps lightning had struck the trees which then caught fire. It wasn't raining, but I'd read that lightning can strike even if there's no rain, if the sky's charged up enough. But I saw no lightning nor heard any thunder. All was quiet. It was mesmerising. I wasn't scared at all - I didn't know what it was, and was rather puzzled, but not afraid. If anything it was strangely calming.
Well after a while it went out. I was still looking. Then I saw it again, this time smaller, but still there. Then it went out yet again, this time for real. I thought I saw plumes of smoke rising into the sky, or was it my imagination? The whole thing was kind of surreal, yet there was no doubt that I had seen it.
Then I went to do my devotional, which was about making a positive difference in the lives of people; not just causing them to walk different paths, but higher ones. Of course I thought of my friend, the one I was disappointed with, and how much I want for him to experience God. Then I thought of the fire again...Moses' burning bush...did not God command him then, to lead His people to the promised land?? I got goosebumps thinking about that. I decided to do something about it. Whatever that strange fire was, or if it was even one...whatever it was, it spurred me to do this. I don't think it was coincidence God let me witness that strange phenomenon.
And unexpectedly, as I did what I did then, I felt a warmth in my heart. =)
What a night.
Oh and another thing...recently one of my friends (Leonard) accepted Christ after a long period of denial...and when he told me, I thought, hey, if it can happen for him, why not my friend? And recently his nick on MSN has the lyrics "We want to run to the altar, and catch the fire, to stand in the gap between the living and the dead..."
Fire...standing in the gap between the living and the dead...
One of the verses in my devotional material last night was about fanning into flame the Spirit of God (I think). I've been thinking of the song Consuming Fire recently too. It's all connected! Hmm.
I'm glad I'm not feeling bitter anymore. It wasn't by my efforts for sure. =) |
| posted by esther @ 8:57 PM |
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| Getting over it. |
| I just wanted to post this. Read the next one to find out why and how. |
| posted by esther @ 8:49 PM |
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| Regular Jo? |
Well, ok, I just don't like being called "regular". I am not regular. I am highly blessed and favoured.
Category III - The Regular
Jo(e)
You are the quintessential standard conjured by the
word 'Friend'.
What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| posted by esther @ 8:46 PM |
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| Wednesday, August 04, 2004 |
| "What Made America Great" |
More funny spam. Yeah I know I shouldn't be opening spam at all, but the title of this one caught me eye...
Subject : prime minister 4 philosophers
Kyle and I took bride behind scythe (with living with warranty, pocket defined by. Unlike so many gypsies who have made their college-educated gonad to us.A few ribbons, and sheriff beyond looking glass) to arrive at a state of pig penumbrella around, jersey cow inside, and inside eggplant are what made America great! eros carbon parole decompile ramo belie burmese |
| posted by esther @ 12:02 AM |
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| Monday, August 02, 2004 |
| My Disappointment |
Read this first if you haven't.
Well, I am still dealing with it. I thought that after posting it, there would be an end to it, but apparently not. I guess in God's timing, there would be an end to this. I'm still learning to learn this way.
This is not related to the title at all, but just remembered that this afternoon, I walked into the male toilet while engrossed in SMSing Sarah. No wonder the view looked different. Lol! Thank God I didn't see anything. I don't find genitalia aesthetically pleasing at all! I mean, think about it. Genitalia is not pretty! Erm, unless it's my husband's? Ooo. xP |
| posted by esther @ 12:23 AM |
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| Sunday, August 01, 2004 |
| Home |
Not a National Day song! Haha.
Into Your courts I run with praises
Flowing from my heart
Every day I wake I sing Your song
It's the anthem of my life
I want to spend my days
In Your presence, Lord
Bowed before Your throne
In the house of God
Is where I find my peace
It's where I find my
Home is heaven
One day Lord I will live
In Your courts You'll find me
In worship at Your feet
Hide me now
In the shadow of Your wings
Where I will be
Where I will be
Your love is all I need
So desperately I have sought Your face
I know You hear my every cry
And petition that I make
Jesus
Oh You are my treasure
Can you imagine? Home is heaven! Wow. Home is heaven.
We sang this today. I like the lyrics, especially the chorus. Think it's quite clever really. You can read it as "One day Lord I will live/ In Your courts You'll find me/ In worship at Your feet" or "One day Lord I will live in Your courts/ You'll find me in worship at Your feet". There's a sort of duality to it.
Well, praise and worship was absolutely fantastic today. In my two-plus (going three!) years at River, I've never experienced worship like this before. We had ten songs lined up, plus one presentation song during which Alvin and Peiting were going to do a rap. In the end we only sang five (seven if you count the two songs we sang twice) and there was no sermon. Reason? There was an altar call. I have no sense of exactly how long this lasted actually. Was one of the back-ups today, along with Peiting. Being at the front, it's always amazing when I see my own friends being touched by God while I am singing. Then I realise what an honour it is to be used by Him. Of course, you also see some people looking bored and expressionless...lol.
Words alone cannot encapsulate all that I experienced today. I get this weak-kneed feeling during worship sometimes, and then I know I have to kneel. My brother once said that in God's presence he can't help but kneel. I was really touched by that, and I totally relate. Today it was so. There were a lot of people kneeling. Poor Sister Carel couldn't walk after kneeling at the front for too long. Must have been half an hour or more? They sent her to the hospital. In a sense it's rather comic, especially when they had to push her to the lift in an office chair, but then again. I sure do hope she's ok!
After service I found my mike wires all tangled. Bro Jym helped me with them. Little gestures really go a long way. =) Well, me and wires have never got along well. At the risk of sounding stupid, I didn't even know how to coil them properly at the beginning. Bro Ken had to teach me. Twice. Argh. I know, I know, it's just coiling wires...
Oh. Bro Ed's vest outfit today was...totally unexpected. Lol.
Actually, for quite some time, after I opened my eyes after worship, I'd feel as thought I'd just woke up, or had been submerged in water for a long time and just resurfaced. A rather heady feeling. I'd feel as though I could fall back and a cushion of air would stop me from hitting the floor. I've not felt this for the past two, three weeks or so, and at first I was a little alarmed, as if I'd lost something. But I realised that would be hankering after a feeling. I used to do that in my first year. I'd feel that if I wasn't touched to tears during worship I hadn't been touched by God that day. Of course now I know otherwise.
I got that feeling again today momentarily - in fact I almost lost my balance. It was that powerful. After that I didn't feel it anymore, but it's perfectly alright because I know I reached a new level in my worship today. =) Ha, this is funny, but initially when I experienced this I thought maybe it was because I hadn't had enough sleep. Told Leonard about this, and he felt the same too. Now we both realise that it's not for lack of sleep, but more an abundance of the Spirit!
I left the house this morning feeling horrid because of some very unnecessary things. I hate leaving the house for church feeling like this. Of course when I get there things are always alright again, but I'd rather go to church feeling joyful. Then was struck by a sudden bout of guilt, which led to me feeling unworthy to be singing for Him today. But prayed and felt better. I've forgotten what exactly I felt actually. I simply felt terrible. This is why I'm sure my love for Christ is not mere emotionalism and sentimentalism. There have been so many times when I have felt tired, even cynical, angry. This is when my head tells my heart to stop being emotional. God is above and beyond all that. It is really such an honour to be able to sing for Him.
I wish I could describe the beauty of today's session to you my dear blog readers. If you were there you'd know. I was having a really great time just worshipping. Sang at least two new songs today - those songs that come when one is not singing any particular song but just letting it flow - and I really liked them too. But as with all such songs, I cannot recall them at all after service. Quite a pity, but I'm sure there are many more new songs inside me, just waiting for God to draw them out from my lips. =)
Speaking of blog readers, I found out today that Pastor reads/has read my blog! Was really surprised. Frankly, each time people I know mention my blog to me in person, my mind goes blank for an instant and registers "block/bloc", and then I realise. "Oh...blog". Lol. It just is a surprise all the time, even though I am considered a frequent blogger. Sometimes it's a little embarrassing because of the highly personal nature of this blog, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my testimony to the world. Besides, like Daniel once said, if you put it on the web, people are gonna read it. I think it's cool that my pastor reads my blog! Haha! I do wonder how many other unidentified readers I have though. =P There are a lot of things I would like to post about but cannot because of people who read it, such as my now "infamous" crush *ahem*. That's when my dear journal and friends come in very handy. =x
Sis Tracy to me: So glad to see you become who you are today.
So am I! =D |
| posted by esther @ 11:03 PM |
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