| Monday, April 25, 2005 |
| delirious, or almost! haha |
Ok I've almost recovered from that almost-delirious high. Ok delirious isn't the most appropriate word. I was just very glad. Exuberantly so. Why? Because I found the courage in myself to invite 2 near-strangers to Encounter Fest!
Ok let me stop for a moment now and advertise once again. Encounter Fest is a worship fest (or something like a concert) organised by my youth group, Cross Over Generation. Being a youth thing it's gonna be led by youths of course, one of which is me! xP And the other is this very handsome and cool dude called Alvin. So other than the beautiful people (and I mean inside and out - trust me on this), there's going to be beautiful music as well. It will be awesome, and we're looking at you! To make it even more awesome with your presence!
And most importantly, a very very very very Special Guest is going to be there. If you want to know who, come on down. Please leave a note here or email me (qingying@gmail.com) if you are interested and I can tell you how to come etc. For now here's the short of the long:
ENCOUNTER FEST - MUSIC FOR THE HEART N SOUL
30 APRIL
4 TO 6PM
TAN BOON LIAT BUILDING #10-02
Seriously, this has the power to change your life.
Ok done advertising! ;D Ok so back to my story.
I went to do hair treatment today at the Jean Yip at Tiong Bahru. I'd gone there once before, to cut my hair and do treatment. Ok I don't usually go to expensive places like this to cut my hair. But I went that time and got some sort of package deal that involves 3 visits to the salon. I recognised the girl at the counter from the last time. She asked me if I was looking for anybody in particular and I said I couldn't remember the name of the person who cut my hair the last time, so this guy who was sitting nearby served me.
I was really tired and a little bit uncomfortable since usually I have females cutting my hair, so I was pretty much silent. That was until he was washing away the stuff he put in my hair for the treatment and I overheard his conversation with a female colleague - which was really loud thanks to the distance separating them - about how he had seen a rosary at PS made of Swarovski crystal pearl and it cost over $100. I could have told him, "Dude, I can make one for you and sell it for half the price." My mom sells accessories' parts, you see, and we have stuff from Swarovski as well and compared to what they sell outside, it's really cheap. But then again don't forgot how expensive the rent is in Orchard and the fact that people are running a business and need to earn profits. Not to mention that nowadays there is such intense competition in this area!
Ok anyway. I didn't tell him that, though, but I thought, Ok this is no coincidence man! I mean how many times do you hear your hairstylist talking about church. Definitely a first for me, and this being so near to Encounter Fest...
His colleague then said, "What you want to buy rosary for? You're not Catholic what..."
At which he suddenly started trying to whisper something across the distance between them. It was as clear as day, though, what he must have said. He must have had attended a Catholic church and stopped going. Then perhaps recently, he felt a tugging in his heart, perhaps in part aroused by the news of the new pope being announced and all.
I asked him as he was blowing my hair about what he has said earlier, at which he seemed rather sheepish. He said that he used to go but doesn't go anymore. The hairdryer was quite noisy so I didn't catch whether he said he stopped going because of lack of time or interest. After a while he asked me whether I was Catholic, and I said I'm Christian. Then I said I was going to sing at my church this Saturday and so I'm going to style my hair on that day. Which was the reason why I couldn't decide whether to cut my hair yet.
After he was done he was almost going to walk away when I sort of waved and said, "Can I pass you something?" And gave him the publicity card (a very cool one at that, thanks to Bro Ber! =D) with the details and my name and number hehind. I said it was ok if he decided not to come. After he walked away he immediately came walking back and asked if it was in Orchard. I said it was actually very near, and explained briefly how to come, and said that if he wanted to come and didn't know how to he could call me.
At some point I thought, gee, what if he thinks I'm hitting on him? But then I thought, oh, who cares! I really don't care if he thinks I'm hitting on him. He is actually quite cute anyway!
After that this girl who cut my hair the last time came to talk to me, and I told her about this Saturday and my mini dilemna (to cut or not to cut?). This girl is very friendly, but I guess a large part of it is for business. She said she had to work until 6 plus that day, and I said it was alright, she could keep the card anyway. I just hope she doesn't throw it away!
So that was my very interesting trip to the hair salon. I am really really glad because I conquered my fear to sow something into someone's life. And actually, once I'd decided to invite them, the rest came really naturally. And I don't know if you have any idea how happy this makes me! To be able to invite near-strangers to an event! And that even if neither of them end up coming this Saturday, they'll always have that card with my name and number and the church address, if they don't throw it away. And who knows then, what God can do! I don't think many customers go around inviting them to personal things like this all the time, so I hope this sticks in their memory for a long time to come.
Oh one last thing. I liked the guy (but not that kind of liking!) the moment he asked me why I wanted to rebond my hair (which I really did think of doing, to make my hair neat for this Saturday), didn't I like my curls? I said that I really just wanted to make my hair neater and more manageable. What I didn't tell him was, I love my curls. In fact I even used to be anti-rebonding (What can I say, I'm a radical?? Haha!). And sometimes it's a little irritating when all the hairstylists and other people are forever asking me if I want to rebond my hair...what for? I love my curls. As stubborn and rebellious as they are. Perhaps because they are like me in some ways - stubborn! Haha. Of late I have mellowed and now do not mind rebonding my hair (though I haven't done that yet) just to make it neat. And I've been thinking about a change in hairstyle too. But still it was so refreshing, you know, to have someone ask me to keep my curls and perm them to make them more manageable (hmmm...) - recognising, in a way, that what God has given me is good! It's almost flattering, really.
I really hope they come man. And I hope you reading this will be there too! That is unless you happen to be overseas and can't fly here...lol! |
posted by esther @ 11:28 PM  |
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| Monday, April 18, 2005 |
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Before I even say anything else:
MUSIC FOR THE HEART N SOUL
ENCOUNTER FEST
30TH APRIL 2003 SATURDAY
4 - 6 PM
RIVER OF LIVING WATERS CHURCH
It will rock your world. Or rather, Someone there will rock your world! ;D It's open to all who want to come. Something is going to happen. Don't miss out on it.
[Or if like my dear friend (code name Diva) who wants to come and be my 'fan club' and watch me sing...you are very welcome as well! xP]
Pastor's message last Sunday (yesterday) gave an answer I had been looking for, semi-consciously. I had been having this strange feeling that something wasn't right, that something was missing. That life had become, somehow, an endless routine of things I did not really want to do. Yes, I'd been doing these things for quite some time and a few months ago I didn't feel this way about them. There was this spark that was just...missing.
Felt really crummy on Saturday. Then I got to know about something that had happened to a dear friend of mine, and was awakened anew to how blessed I am. Not that I am happy about what happened to her. I am sad, because I myself had such hopes invested in this thing that has failed. There was a time when I envied her position but I would really rather not be in hers now. In fact I am grateful for the time and space I have been allowed (which sometimes, though, I have to admit I didn't want) to grow without having stuff like this in my life. True, it takes a different kind of strength in my position, but I would rather this than that. Still, I am blessed to see how she is handling this, and to see the strength in her that I know is from God.
Sunday came and it could have turned out to be really crummy as well, until I heard Pastor's message. He said that perhaps we are not living out our lives to the full because our minds, body and souls are not united. This reminds me of the sermon by Pastor Prince about being a yahkid. A complete being. A whole person. And I realised, yes, I am divided within. Sometimes even torn. Sometimes I get so tired and I just want to give up and do all that I want to do that I know is wrong, even though I know I will soon feel bad because there is still that side of me that is good. And because it took me so long to get away from it, that I don't want to go back into the pit again. That awful struggle to break free, those feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Really I am so glad that I am now free from it.
And I asked myself, what is it that I really want? The answer was simple and clear: God. I only want God. If I have Him then I have everything I could ever want and need. He is the only One who understands all that I go through, who can restore the broken parts of me, who can give me victory. He is the One who will never disappoint nor forsake or hurt me.
So I had my answer to the silent question that had been bubbling around inside.
I watched Desperate Housewives just now. There was this bit where the narrator went on at length about how all search for some sort of meaning to their lives, whether it be in romance, anguish, revenge...and that there are just some lives that have no meaning at all. And I felt so glad, then, that despite everything, I have meaning in my life. I have meaning in my life because of Jesus.
Some time ago I emailed an internet friend (the correspondence has since ended) and told him that since we talked (there were years in between) I have been reborn. And he, a non-believer then and now, said something like I will not know what I will be in the future. As in I might one day stop believing, only I cannot imagine that happening now.
I get where he was coming from. Who can tell the future? People I know who once burned for God have backslid. I think that is so sad. But I also think it is a choice, to let go of God. I have had ample opportunities in the past few months to think about it. Ok not so many, just a few times, at those times when I felt so hopeless and helpless. There have been times when I felt like just going away from Him, from church, from everything. And just going my own selfish way. But I knew that I would regret making that sort of decision, even then.
I can't see what will happen in the future. Worst things will most probably happen. Death will visit. Maybe I will be devastated by someone I love. (I once had this notion that if I was heartbroken yet again my heart would die. Haha. It seems quite silly now actually.) Some may question how a supposedly good and loving God can allow these things to happen to His children.
I have wondered too...if I meant anything to Him, because at those times He doesn't seem to care a bit for me at all. But when I am more sensible I understand that the most beautiful things are formed under pressure. Silver is refined in fire. Diamonds and whatever natural precious stones. Mountains. Even rivers have to carve their own paths through soil and rock. And like Pastor said, trials are meant to be tests that confirm whether we are one being. Besides, if He loves me enough to give up everything to save me, why should He want bad things to happen to me? If He loves me enough to be humiliated by the very ones He loves (of which I am one of), to be whipped and beaten and broken and murdered. And misunderstood. Even now I break His heart when I think that He doesn't care, when I rage at Him in frustration, when I hold bitterness towards Him. And all the while, all He's ever done is love me.
Everything happens for a higher purpose than I can comprehend at times. But now that I realise one thing that my spirit, soul and body can agree on, why, should I not purpose to live only for that one thing? |
| posted by esther @ 11:34 PM |
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| Tuesday, April 05, 2005 |
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I've decided that if I can't think of a title, I won't. I think sometimes I tried too hard. :P
I'm thinking of selling some stuff I've made (and will make) online. Earrings, etc. My mom was pleasantly surprised when I told her. She said I'd become 'ambitious'. I was thinking on the way home just now - that if I have the ability to dream big dreams now, it's only because of God. He's enlarged my vision, my heart, my mind, my soul. Can you imagine? I contain God within me. That He has made us with a capacity to hold Him, an infinite being - the Alpha and the Omega - it's wondrous. Don't you think?
One little bit, though - how to deliver? By hand? By post? Is it worth?
I seriously think God has given me favour with the hawkers I go to 'dabao' lunch from! Ok so sometimes I ask for more chilli (parents' requests) and they never do anything about it, but more often are them times when my parents are suprised at how much rice/'liao' they get.
Ok, I said in my last post about being in one of the troughs of my life? I think when I wrote that I was almost out. Or I was probably out. I know now that I'm definitely out. It's not that that issue has been resolved or even turned around. But I'm not mourning over it anymore. For sure there may be still some seeds of discontent and bitterness I'll need to root out.
Sometimes I hesitate to talk about my life here (or even to new people/ old friends/ acquaintances) because I don't see it as a testimony of His power. People around me who don't believe in Him have had more success than me. It seems almost unfair. I've been mad at Him for this. Why oh Lord, why? Why don't I see the victory I want and know I can have, if only You'd make it happen? Why is it that just about everybody seems to have more victories in their lives than mine?
But these are just lies. Did not God promise me that He has plans for my future and to prosper me? Did not He say that no one can fathom what He has in store for those who love Him? Did not He say not to worry for He shall provide?
Pastor said one day when I went up for prayer that He has plans for me that may be totally different from other people.
I read this verse the other day - Does the clay said to the potter, "What is it you are making?"
His timing is perfect. And really, what is time to God, who is the beginning and the end? He loves me with a love so deep, so high, so wide, so rich, so intense, so bright, so glorious, so magnificent, so passionate - that in my present form I cannot possibly comprehend and take in the whole of it. Yet what I know of His love, I know to be true. Despite the doubts, the fear, the disappointment, the anger, the bitterness, the hurts of the past. So I shall cling to Him no matter what happens, no matter how I feel, no matter how things seem. Even when, during the singing of a happy praise song, I'm crying because as much as I do mean what I'm singing, it hurts because I don't understand at that point what God is doing. I shall obey and trust even when it makes no sense. And I guess that maybe is an even more powerful testimony that being successful. |
| posted by esther @ 10:16 PM |
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