| Friday, July 29, 2005 |
| HIStory |
I think it's about time I air my sort-of skeletons in my closet online, so that you understand more about me. This is a part of my life that I really should consign to history and not let it drag me down anymore. Relax, I'm not gonna give you a blow-by-blow account of my entire life, that would be too long even for me. Just the years starting from the time I entered JC, up till now:
I never even thought of entering SAJC, I hadn't even gone for the open house. I'd only heard about it from a classmate who said it was her dream school (she went to JJC in the end). But something made me put it down as my fifth choice for first 3 months. I guess it was God. Because I really can't remember why I put down SA. Anyway, I was bounced past my first 4 choices (silly me had put down good schools like VJC etc which my 12 points would never have gotten me into) and I landed in SAJC.
I received Christ that very same year. It was nothing like Paul's experience on the journey to Damascus. I had just 'recovered' from a long period of depression in secondary school, where I felt my life sucked to the core and I had suicidal thoughts constantly. I don't know if I'd have been diagnosed with clinical depression had I consulted a professional. I was just a miserable sad sack. My 'recovery' was spontaneous, brought on most probably by pouring out my troubles in a long letter to a friend, and reading the letter she wrote back. Or maybe it was just the new environment, the new start.
My conversion was more a conscious, yet half-afraid decision I made during the annual Life! concert at SA. I had known Him when I was younger, however circumstances made me jaded and I decided that there could be no God in this hateful world. But that night I had more or less, through the months come to the decision that I was there because of God and that it was Him who had brought me through those horrid years in CGS. Though I peeped and saw my friend standing too, when they made the altar call. That was what really gave me the courage to stand.
Two years passed, to use a cliche, in the blink of an eye. I had many friends and 2 passionate, intense crushes. My academic work suffered badly while my social life flourished. Shocked initially at how badly I was doing (I sailed through primary school and put in little effort to get reasonably good results in secondary school), and later numbed, I escaped into my social life and my crushes (who sadly never liked me back - though on retrospect, I wouldn't want to be with them now; not my type anymore!) and church activities.
Of course I did badly for my 'A' levels. I passed, but just barely. Of course no university took me in. I was crushed. How did it happen??! I had expected God to let me do reasonably well, at least to get into uni. My mother blamed it on church.
So I retook my 'A's. It was a year in which I learnt many things and changed much. A year in which I watched as my closest friends all moved on, and I was still stuck doing 'A' levels. It was a difficult year while my mother continued to nag and blame. But towards the end I managed to put in more work than I did the previous year. My tutors weren't too worried about me. I even made a new friend in the midst of taking my exams as a private candidate in an unfamiliar environment.
Then came the results again - and this time, I did even worse. I didn't even pass! I couldn't believe it. I checked my results twice but the words didn't change. What was I to do now? What went wrong? Why? Till today, I don't understand. Perhaps it was the lack of self-assessment. Perhaps I was overly stressed. Most probably I just wasn't as well-prepared as I thought I was. Mom was very disappointed. For a while I was very bitter. Why had God allowed this to happen to me twice? Did He hate me or something? I love Him so much and this is what happens to me? Why is it that people who curse Him are more successful? It's not fair; it just isn't. I think I might even have thought of leaving.
Somehow though, I settled my emotions quite quickly, if only enough for me to contemplate what step to take next. Retaking my exams again was not an option. Though a part of me wanted to, because I didn't, and still don't, believe that I'm not capable of not just passing by acing the GCE 'A's. Hello, this is the girl who always used to almost-top the class. This is the girl who used to receive bursaries. This is the girl who managed to stay within top 20 (if not top 10) of her class even while she wanted to die every day. I may not be a genius but I can't be that useless and stupid!!
Going overseas was too great a cost to bear. Poly was totally out of the question as well. No way was I going to spend 3 years getting a diploma when the course I really wanted to study (Psychology, my passion since I read All Around the Town by Mary Higgins Clark, a psychological thriller) wasn't offered in poly. And it wouldn't even guarantee uni entry.
What left? Private institutions. After many hours of thinking and research and frustration (and more nagging from Mommy), I decided to go for a Bachelor in Arts (Psychology and Communications) from Monash University, taken via TMC. This is what is called an external degree or distance learning course. Yeah, yeah. People look down on external degrees. I'm well aware of that. That is the same reason why I used to be kind of ashamed that I was doing one and worse, that I had done my 'A's twice and did even worse the second time. This is why I've never, if you've noticed, talked much about school in the past year or so. Because I was ashamed.
But now it's all out in the open, and it's about time. This shall no longer pull me down. I'm going into this knowing that I need God to be helping me 100%. On my own I have no strength. I have no confidence in myself - I can only have confidence in Christ, and from there I have confidence in myself through Christ, for He lives in me.
The two units I'm taking now are, in fact, just a trial, due to my infamous bad results. I have to get a credit (60% and higher) in order to continue taking my course. I can't afford to fail yet again, I don't know if I'll be able to pick myself up if I do. My parents and peers watch my life. What does it say about God? I want it to say: God is powerful, God is loving. God does not promise a bed of roses but He promises to carry me through the thorns, when I am lost and have no more strength left.
"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12.
I've been encountering this verse so many times this year. I love this verse. It moves me that God would make His hills and trees sing and clap for little underserving me. The verses before are equally moving: "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:10, 11.
And this is what He said to me one night as I was despair: "Blessing I will bless you, multiplying I will multiply you."
And this is why I am aiming to not just get my credits, but I am aiming for my HDs. High Distinction. (They always told me to aim high and even if I fail to hit my target, I probably won't be far from it.) In fact I should see this as the real thing and not just a trial because I am confident that I will get through with flying colours with God on my side! I had my very first lesson this afternoon (COM1020: Introduction to Communications) and my tutor Please-Just-Call-Me-Wilfred said, "I don't think anyone of you will read the readings before lesson right?" I was surprised. He was wrong. He has at least one student who's been burying her nose in her books for the past few days even before she's had any lessons! I even have the highlighted text, penciled notes, and separate reading notes on foolscap paper to prove it. : D
But of course, I mustn't start being haughty just because when I looked around today, nobody else had markings in their books... XP |
posted by esther @ 8:56 PM  |
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| 6 Comments: |
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wow
yr post is a real source of encouragement for me.... I'm retaking my A's this year too.
"God does not promise a bed of roses but He promises to carry me through the thorns, when I am lost and have no more strength left."
i like this alot :)
""Blessing I will bless you, multiplying I will multiply you.""
you know most people will backslide and hate God under such circumstances. I am really happy that ya pull it all together and say "hey, if God can bring me to it, He'll bring me through it"
Will keep ya in prayer :) take care...
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:) its great doing what ya wanna do :) and ya know our gang will b behind u always, all the way. and i believe that when ya doing what ya truly want, u will shine. :D gambatte ne!
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Jason, thanks for your prayer, I'll pray for you too. You know my pastor said that people who have walked with God for a few years may really whine and complain when things happen, but at the end of the day they realise they still have to surrender to God because they know only He can help them. I find this to be especially true for me.
BZ, thanks to you too! Please pray for me as well. =) I'm glad that after all that I've still got friends like you guys. ;D
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Well done!
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Well done!
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wow
yr post is a real source of encouragement for me.... I'm retaking my A's this year too.
"God does not promise a bed of roses but He promises to carry me through the thorns, when I am lost and have no more strength left."
i like this alot :)
""Blessing I will bless you, multiplying I will multiply you.""
you know most people will backslide and hate God under such circumstances. I am really happy that ya pull it all together and say "hey, if God can bring me to it, He'll bring me through it"
Will keep ya in prayer :) take care...