| Saturday, December 09, 2006 |
| On trusting God |
I was reading a particular blog recently...one that I've not linked to because I don't know the blogger personally, even though I know she goes to the same church. But I secretly lurk around her blog. Sometimes I'd leave it on in the background because I really like the midi music she uses on it! I think it's very soothing yet melodious...doesn't disturb my train of thought either.
One of her recent posts was about trusting God. I'm glad she blogged that because it had to do with some questions I had inside my heart in the light of something a couple of my friends had told me about...Even for myself, trusting God can be hard. I sometimes waver to and fro between doubt and belief, and it can be frustrating. I was just thinking to myself yesterday: It's so easy to look to the natural, the things you can see. But why do that, when I know what He can do and surely will do for me? Just because He loves me so? Why struggle on my own effort, when by resting in Him, He can accomplish so much more? As Pastor said once, it's not the ability of God that we doubt nowadays, it's "Will He do it for me?"
I've asked myself and struggled with that question so much in times past. Especially in the year I decided to retake my A levels and it was so hard, so hard. In the end, I did even worse! I felt disappointed, even betrayed. I had trusted Him! I had trusted Him and He had failed me. Why? Was it because I had not put in enough effort on my own? But I had trusted Him for supernatural intervention. Or did I really trust Him? Or was it only something I had convinced myself into? Maybe I never really trusted Him, because I didn't know how much He loves me. Thank God that He was only comfort in those times, even if I felt betrayed and angry and like a horrible failure. Thank God that before He came into my life, I had never experienced love like His, which is what kept me hanging on, even in those days when I hadn't the revelation of His love like I do now.
Ok, it's not like I was some abused kid or something, or that I didn't have friends....I am really thankful for the friends I have now, the closest of whom are still the ones I made in primary school, and in church. And I love my parents; now I see how much they love me, even if they haven't always expressed it in a way that makes me feel loved. Perhaps I was too preoccupied with the things inside of me that I didn't see how blessed I already was. But it is He who has opened my eyes to the ones who love me, it is He who has filled my heart with even greater love for these people, as well as forgiveness for unintentional/intentional hurt caused. I was selfish, I think, because I couldn't see past myself. I've learnt to love because He showed me how, by loving me.
Was on the bus today when I got another revelation of His love; not something I'd never known before, but experienced afresh. It is this: He loves me for me. I wonder what name He knows me by? Qing Ying, Esther? Or is it simply, "Daughter", "Beloved" or "Child"? Surely He needs no name to know me by; He knows me in a way no man ever will, or can. He needs no adjective either, for none matter to Him; I don't need to be 'beautiful', 'intelligent', or 'filial' for Him to love me. He loves me simply because I am His. It is a love that I believe supercedes the constraints of any human language, yet even the little that I know from the Bible (and I am still getting to know my Bible after five years) and the words of those who know His love are able to touch me and reach me in deep and secret places. It's a mystery to me, this Love.
Yet how is it that I still have difficulties trusting Him? Sometimes I feel almost hypocritic, but I know He doesn't condemn me for my foolishness. I know I am still a work in process, still learning and growing day by day. Actually, I do know how to grow in trust. I have read, and heard, again and again: Simply place your gaze upon Him, and not on the circumstances. Know that He loves you, and He will bring you through.
Like the story of Peter walking on water, in Matthew 14:25-31...
During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
[Pastor: "As if he could walk on water even when there was no wind!"]
Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
[Italics mine]
Can you imagine if you were Jesus? You walk with these people for years, spend virtually all your time with them, teach them about the goodness of your Father, drive out demons, heal the sick, and resurrect the dead in their presence. Then you walk on water towards, them, and they stupidly think you're a ghost! Heck, even if you were, shouldn't they know by now that there's nothing to be afraid of? Then one of them does something good; he trusts that you can help him walk on water. But halfway he loses courage when he sees the wind!! The wind, for Pete's sake (hurhur)! When you are GOD Himself and He is coming towards you!
And yet, and yet, these are the ones He chose! Indeed He chooses the foolish things to shame the wise. I love my God of paradoxes; a boy to slay a giant, death to give life, etc etc. Everything to assure us, "See what I can do? See what I will do, because I love you!"
Of course, the whole point of this story is to show that it is when you take your eyes off Him and start looking at your circumstances that you fall. At least that is what I read about. But now that I read this story again, I have a new understanding: I noticed that twice in this story, when His disciples were afraid, He immediately assured them. He did not even wait a fraction of a second, and I believe it is because His heart was filled with compassion for them! And I just realised that earlier in Matthew 8:23-27, Jesus had already once calmed a storm when his disciples were afraid that they were going to drown! Amazing, isn't it, how forgetful we can be!
Anyway, I wasn't going to blog so much...but I was inspired lah, hahaha. (Actually still got more to say...) Here is the entry about trusting God.
Updates: Had class today, actually didn't really feel like going. But I wanted to do the SPSS analysis. In the end our teacher didn't go through it but me, Shujuan, Netty and Evelyn stayed back and finished it by ourselves. Then I went and collected my new contact lenses and specs (they're red!) - might take pics and post them up haha.
Watched the encore telecast of Prison Break just now - I missed the Thursday ep when I went for Bible Study...but then I would have watched it again actually. Haha! It's such a well-written show, even if rather incredulous. Makes me tear and bite my nails at different times. What I like is that the characters are not black-and-white, from the 'good' guys to the 'bad' ones. I mean, of course T-Bag is such a *^&%$#$# and he keeps obstructing poor Michael's plan, but even he has the decency to despair when he hears about the death of his cousin and nephew. I have a particular soft spot for Abruzzi, too, but...haha I cannot say because it will be a spoiler.
If you think Michael is the good guy, have another think, because he's inadvertedly caused the death of a few people just by trying to change the course of things. He has blood on his hands. Even if he has sort of a very good reason for doing so? I think they're just like you and me, even if most of us will never end up in prison or be put in such a tight spot or have to cause people's deaths for something that we want. (Thank God I'll never be in such dilemnas because I know He will deliver me out of anything!) In that they are human, and make mistakes, and are sometimes blind to the grand scheme of things, and try very hard to love in a broken way, and yet they're trying the best they know how. I don't know if it makes sense to you, but humanity touches me. Our efforts and our failings, our brokenness, our ability to love, our imperfect, flawed love, the way we hurt unintentionally...these things touch me.
Haha ok...sometimes I just have ideas that I don't really know how to express. So if you don't get it, nevermind! (It's my blog remember, I shall blog what I want! Hurhur) |
posted by esther @ 3:47 PM  |
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