| Thursday, November 18, 2004 |
| I have a choice. |
Choice. To me, it's a privilege, not a right. I am privileged to be able to choose Christ. I choose to follow Him even when every single thing seems to be going wrong.
I choose not to condemn myself when I am rude to my parents. Certainly not that it is right to be rude, but condemning myself doesn't make things any better. I only end up directing unnecessary anger at myself, feeling ashamed, useless and dirty, when I am already free and cleansed in Christ.
Tyra Banks to a certain America's Next Top Model wannabe with a major chip on her shoulder : You're already good enough. That's the reason why you're here. But you're still trying to prove to people that you're good enough to be here (my paraphrase - can't remember the exact words).
Guess which one of the two I identify with. Heheh.
I choose not to let it get to me when people are not responsive. It's not supposed to be personal. And if it is, so what? I am but, like a sister of mine said, a middleman. Only I trade not goods nor money but love. And I am not supposed to cheat you of any bit of that. If I do, my profits decrease. But the more I give the more I recieve from at least one end. (God's end of course.) I am rich, and my riches are in heaven.
I choose not to feel stressed and depressed and distressed when I find myself slacking, not working as hard as some superhumans who can absorb information at the speed of light 24/7. I am not built this way. I can only choose to do my best, push myself as hard as I can. Choose to not condemn myself. Choose to lay my burdens and my cares at His feet. Choose to cling on to Him, no matter what.
Marathon mugging with Hannah at our top-secret hiding hole today. Well, not really mugging for me, more like practicing Chem. MCQ. I don't think I have studied for such a long period of time continously with only short toilet, drink and food breaks in between. I could have done a lot more. I should be faster. The hours slipped past so fast. But still, I felt Him. Flowing in me. Chem. MCQ - something I'm not good at, believe it or not - it all came so easily, mostly. Almost instinctively. Amazingly. Checking the answer with slight trepidation, to see that I'm right. Yesss. Praise God. And all this on 5+ hours of sleep and a 1.5 hour long Chem. paper this morning. Plus many bouts of sleepiness, but push, push, push.
I did not really study for Polymerisation, a lot of which came out. BUT. I choose to trust. So it doesn't come easy to me, this trusting business. It's alright. I have all my life to learn it.
She suggested something wonderfully exciting to do next year. I was too tired to register it properly at that moment, but thinking back - wow! It was surely from God.
Another she (I have many 'she's, haha, if you know what I mean) shared with me that she wants to get better. Finally! I was so filled with joy, I wanted to cry. I'd chosen to entrust her into His hands, and now He's working.
See? When I make the right choices, everything else flows.
Last night I learnt: There is truly a time for everything. Now is the time to study hard and serve Him and grow with Him. Singleness is to be enjoyed, embraced, flaunted, if you may. Singleness should be akin to running free in the hills (or wherever you prefer) with the cool breeze blowing around you, hair whipping all unkempt but you don't care, because only Jesus is around to see you in your most vulnerable state, and He doesn't give a damn whether your hair is messy. The air is fresh and you are invigorated, free. Content. Even if you trip over a stone and your skirt flies up, all you do is laugh, because there is nothing to be embarrassed about in front of the One who knows you inside and out. Singleness is learning commitment to a God you can't see so that you can commit to a man you can. So that you realise the true value and meaning of commitment. It sets you free.
My life, a year or so ago, revolved too much around a single person. I am embarrassed now to think of how much I focused on him then. Looking back now, I lost perspective of the bigger picture. It hurt very much when I fell from my castle in the air. For a little while I felt like a zombie.
Because of that, I have since been afraid to fall again. Afraid that I may lose the picture again. But hopefully, with this new realisation, I need not be afraid any longer. It's all about timing. HIS, not mine, not his. I cannot contol whether someone likes me or not. I can only control to a certain extent my feelings for him. What I can control, with the help of His grace and love, is what kind of woman I become. I can choose what kind of woman I become.
When the time is ripe, he'll be there. As another sister of mine said, when that time comes, neither of us will have to try very hard to make it happen, because it was meant to happen. We don't have to chase love because love has found us. We just have to make the choice to commit, till death do we part and see you in heaven again! |
posted by esther @ 1:00 AM  |
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