| Thursday, October 21, 2004 |
| a testimony of four days |
These four days have flew past so fast. Time really passes when one is busy. Didn't go out to study at all, just mug mug mug mug mug at home. This must be the hardest I've ever mugged this year so far. There were times when I felt really sleepy and lethargic, like every bit of me was tired, and I wanted to sleep, but I ended up worshipping on my bed. There was one time yesterday when I felt the fear constricting around me again, despite having more or less finished my revision for Bio. prac, and I thought of taking a nap, but ended up worshipping again. And when He was done with me, I had peace within. Later, even before Chem. tuition (which I'd initially wanted to change, but the tutor was only free on Friday, and I have carecell on Friday) the peace continued, even though most of the time before Chem. tuition I am wrung up and stressed out, because there is something I just can't stand about my tutor. Previous attempts to not dislike him have been self-abortive and in vain.
But yesterday, it was alright. I think He has opened my eyes. To see even people I dislike through the blood of Jesus. Thank You Lord. =)
Bio. prac today. I prayed for favour in a strange place (TPJC) and He gave it to me. I made a new friend today. All that happened was; I was studying and she was studying, she turned, I smiled. It all happened so naturally. I shall see her again for my other papers. And I actually met a friend who was there to take her practical too!
The practical could have been better. There was some stuff I forgot, and I spent way too much time on the first two questions, but it's in His hands now, truly. I've studied hard the last few days.
One afternoon, this thought suddenly came to me: What if God was not behind me? What if He was not there for me? At that moment cold panic seized me. Without Him I am nothing. An online friend of mine once said that it worries Him when people talk like that. But it's true. I am nothing without Him. And even if I have been created with the mental and physical capacities to take my exams and do well (which I know I do), I would not have the strength, nor the confidence to use those capacities.
I read in The Holy Wild that this fellow called Gordan Fee was writing his commentary when he came to 1 Cor 13 [link], and got stuck.
Then God spoke: "Gordon, do you understand, this is the way I love You?"
"Yes, Lord."
"Gordan, what if it were not so?"
And Gordan Fee, a big man, loud and brash, cried like a baby for an hour.
I was surprised when I read this, at the similarity of our experiences. What if He was not with me?
I must remember: God uses insecurity-ridden, weak-tongued men to lead His people out of bondage. Young shepherd boys to slay giants. Dust to make men. The foolish to shame the wise. Trumpet praise to fall city walls. Hands lifted high to win a war. A dying man on a cross to show His glory to the world. Jehosaphat, faced with a great army, feared, but then set himself to seek the Lord. And The battle was worn, but not any human might. Only by God. |
posted by esther @ 8:33 PM  |
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