| Saturday, November 13, 2004 |
| My room still smells of Baygone |
A few days ago, on Deepavali to be exact, my parents sprayed my room with Baygone as lately I've been waking up with mosquito bites (or some kind of insect bite) all over me. Ok, not all over me, not that bad, but itchy enough. On Monday, two days before Deepavali to be exact, I sprayed my room with Baygone myself, but apparently there're super mutated mosquitoes in my room or something. Now it's been a few days and it still smells of Baygone. If I'm not wrong, it's some kind of respiratory poison. Which means I've been breathing that in for a few nights already. Oh yuck. I hope I'm not going retarded.
Tired. Just tired. Stupid emotional rollercoasters. What's with that? I must get myself out of the house more. A lot more.
It's not exactly the exams. The worst of them are over, really. Now the timetable is quite slack. I just seem to have so many things to do, and not enough time and energy and willpower to do them all. It's incredibly stupid and moronic but I fear that I may not get through because I haven't done enough. I haven't done enough to get triple As on just my own strength, without God's intervention. And that worries me. Countless times I've thought, "OMG. I'm so f***ed. I'm just totally screwing myself in the arse. What am I doing??? What am I doing with myself???" Yes. I know that by thinking this way, I negate His love and His power. OMG. What blasphemy. How can I? When He's already done so much? When He's quelled countless storms before? When He's given it all for me?
In Survivor Kit, this would be called a crisis of faith.
I'm sick and tired of being stuck in this crisis. It's not like I don't want to get out of it. I want to trust. But every single moment I find myself not studying when I should, I feel like crap. I should (according to my stupid perfectionist standards) be eating, drinking, ingesting, assimilating, breathing, exhaling my notes. Knowing everything in my notes and textbooks at the tip of my fingertips. Yes, even the unnecessary bits not in the syllabus.
I'm being so paranoid!
The other day, preparing for GP (yes, even the GP goddess has to do this after one year of not doing anything specifically GP-related), I found an essay I'd written on fear. I think I got 31/50 for it, I can't remember. It was a typed essay, the only essay I typed instead of wrote in two years. I think maybe I ran out out of foolscap. Anyway.
In the essay I talked about irrational fear. I think. Fear that is not based on fact itself. Fear that should not exist because what the person fears will not actually harm that person. For example, do you know some people actually have a fear of flowers? I forgot the term for it. It starts with 'a'. Then there's fear that is useful, that alerts us to real danger and to fight or flee.
In my case, if God was not in the picture, then I would say there is real reason to fear. But that's not the case! God is very much in my picture. Therefore, my fear is irrational. Extremely irrational. There are no grounds for me to fear. He has promised me that He will prosper me. That He will keep my feet from stumbling, keep me from harm. That goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. That I will walk and not be weary, run and not be faint, rise up on wings like eagles, because He carries me.
And so what if what I fear comes true - yet again? At least my life is in His hands, not that of men. His hands may crush me, break me, but it's to mould me into a better shape. He alone has the power to heal me. If He should break me, it's only because He loves me. Did I not break Him too, that man on a cross who is my God?
God uses broken things to show His grace and love. Seemingly inferior things to show His power. If I should triumph, it is only through His power, not my own.
Possession by confession. I WILL have victory. And only through Jesus. Amen.
I just need You Lord. |
posted by esther @ 11:55 PM  |
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