| Saturday, November 27, 2004 |
| Changing inside. |
Slowly but surely. It's been brewing a long while, very subtly. It's like, one day, during some moment, myself or someone will say/do something, and I'll realise that what I feel about something/someone has changed. Or I could be just by myself at home or outside, and it'd dawn on me. And some of those things were things I felt rather strongly about.
For one, I no longer bother so much what people think about me. For example, learning to rollerskate. In the past, I'd have been afraid of failure. For a long time in my past I thought I couldn't do much right. So no point even trying right. Well, nowadays, I think, ah what the heck. So what if I fail? So what if I'm mediocre? How am I gonna know if I don't try? How am I gonna be good at something if I don't practice? So what if I fall and make a fool of myself? It may be awkward for a spot. But those people who are strangers won't remember it after a while anyway. As for my friends, well. They're not that shallow. =) I used to be quite self-conscious if I thought there was some fat sticking out in places where they shouldn't be. And they shouldn't! I'm gonna start exercising again. But for now, so what? Stick out then stick out lah...as long as I'm presentable. At least I don't have, like, half my butt hanging out the back of my mini-shorts when I obviously don't have the figure to carry it off right? And if people are going to look at me and judge me based on my looks, well, too bad for ya.
Haha. I think I sound almost smart alecky nonchalant. But I do think this now. Maybe I just got tired of being self-conscious. Last Sunday I said to a friend, there're many things I'd do if I didn't care what people thought of me. I don't know where that came from. Maybe God. But it only dawned upon me there and then, even though it must be pretty darn obvious.
I also have less inhibition to ask for help when I need. Like if I can't find something in a shop usually I'd just go on looking myself or walk out. Of late, I've been asking. For my Bio. P3, I was actually late. I thought my paper started at 2:30PM. It was actually 2PM! Thank God my friend called. The bus was nearing the interchange, I got off and ran to the taxi stand. That was still alright. But then, I got lost in the unfamiliar building. This resulted in me freaking out, running around up and down corridors and stairs (with my backpack open at one point). I did ask people but their instructions were vague and in my haste neglected to realise that I had to turn left further down. In desperation I shouted downstairs (was on the third floor) to some students having PE at the basketball court or something. If you know me, that is a really un-Qing Ying thing to do. But I was really really desperate. Haha. And yes I embarrassed myself totally, but getting to my exam in time was far more important and urgent. Finally I found the room. I was only about 15 minutes late, thank God. And yes, I have to say this: God really saved my ass that day. = P
Speaking of embarrassing myself, I really made quite a few boo-boos this time. Which I won't tell you about. : P If I believed in omens and stuff like that, I'd say "This does not bode well." But seriously, God has saved my ass so many times in the past. I am human. He is God. Whatever mistake I make He can redeem. It's all over now. I actually feel strangely empty. I think I'll go find something to study, like borrow some psychology books or something. In the last couple of weeks before my exams ended (especially the last week), I finally found the determination and concentration I'd prayed for for two years. I could come home quite tired, from church or something, bathe, and promptly sit down at the table and study. And all the while, during moments of rest, I'd think, "My God! Am I really studying? I can't believe it. I actually am studying? I want to study? This is NOT me! Oh God. Thank You so much God."
It's almost like I'm disconnected from myself. It's freaky. In an extremely good way!! Haha. I mean, for two years! I've been wondering why on earth I can't seem to concentrate, why I always want to be doing something else. Dreading the notion of studying.
And now my exams are over and I feel weird. I mean, I don't even feel like coming online, I want to be doing something constructive and not wasting my time on the computer.
Yep. It's a little weird, when I think about how I've changed, it's almost like I'm distanced from myself observing myself. It's not me. These changes were all things I've wanted. And thank God so much, really, because I know it's Him doing His wonderful crafting in me again. He's the one who sees the tremendous beauty in this chipped, dirty lump of stone. And slowly but surely, He's making me into His own piece of art. Sometimes, it really hurts. This year has gone by so fast. For the most part of it I was struggling to trust. Trying to do things for Him on my own strength. Unable to rest in His grace. Feeling ashamed and guilty because I could not find it in my pathetic wretched self to place my future thoroughly in His hands. And yet through each period of despair - there were times when I feared His spirit had left me, and that I was hollow and empty and lonely - I've grown. The next time I was in despair, it was still bad but I'd be stronger. Each period of despair was followed by a period of growth. I've learnt so much this year, grown so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have learnt so much if I wasn't in this situation. And really, thank God. He set Esther apart for a year too didn't He. =)
He's so good. And I thank Him that He still can touch me like no one else can. No one can touch me the way He does. He can make me cry tears of gratitude each time I pray. Each time I think of His goodness. I pray my heart will always be this soft and vulnerable and sensitive to His touch. Call it sentimentality, emotionality blindness whatever. If my faith was based on my feelings, I'd have left long ago. Why hang on and hit myself up for not being able to trust? But I've hung on, because I know He is real. He knows me in ways that are far more intimate that those of a lover. Top to toe, inside out. He sees through all the facades and masks and paint and packaging, for what I really am. And loves me anyway. |
posted by esther @ 1:59 AM  |
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