CALLED: in a reflective mood...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

in a reflective mood...

Been thinking about a lot of things these days. Maybe too much, as I'm apt to do. To sum it up, I guess I feel very much 'suspended in space' these days. Some topics I've been thinking about:

School

By the end of this year, I would have graduated. As of last Wednesday, I submitted my last Psych assignment for this course. Wow. Made me feel a bit sad and nostalgic.

I think this sem's Psych unit (Introduction to Counseling) was the only unit where I've attended every single class without fail, rain or shine. Despite the fact that it's only an elective. Despite the fact that almost every lesson had been on a Saturday afternoon, which is my 'sleep in and do housework day'. But I've looked forward to every lesson because it's always...well, fun. Or maybe 'interesting' is a better word. I feel like I'm really learning from a teacher who's not only engaging but experienced and passionate about his work, and not only that, someone who's learning all the time as well, and thus well-positioned and equipped to teach a class in counseling, a field which is always evolving. So, best-teacher-I've-ever-encounted-at-TMC award goes to Laurence Ho (I quote, "With a 'u', French style").

I didn't actually plan to include that, but well. It feels a bit strange without Shujuan, Luke and Cece in class. Kind of miss those times. But there's still Halima, and some new wacky people I've become friends with, whom I hopefully will get to know better in the remaining time I have left.

My future

BIG question mark. And I mean big. I took up this course in Psych thinking a career in Psych was what I really, really, wanted. Three years down the road, I'm no longer sure. I do still feel an affinity for work in this area. But am I up for it? Is it really what I want?

Maybe it's a mistake to think this way. Whoever said that, once having chosen a career path, I have to stick to it? Everything is constantly changing. I can always do something else if it doesn't work out. I worry too much.

One reason I think like this is my mom. Back in JC, she pushed me to enter the Science stream, when what I really wanted was Arts. I did miserably in the end. I had to fight to do this course. Till today she worries that I have no future in Psych. :(

Which is why I feel pressured to follow the path I chose for myself and not only that, to do very well in it. To show her that her worries were unfounded, that I can do this thing I have chosen for myself, and do it well.

Now, when I hear people talk about their 10-year plans, about which sectors offer jobs with the highest starting pay, the best benefits, and so on, I feel...strange. I feel a tinge of regret for not choosing a course related to those sectors. I feel weird to think that maybe next time when people ask me what my job is, instead of going, "Wow!" they'll be quiet for a while and then go, "Oh...ok."

Why is society so focused on material comforts? Why is it so important to have a car and things like that? Why must people be judged others by what they have?

It's not that I'm unimpressed by such things. I would want to live a life of relative material comfort. It would be nice if I could afford whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted them.

It's just that, at the end of the day, when I've worked so hard for these things so that people will think better of me, will I be happy? Will I have missed out on many moments and people along the way because I was too busy running after these things?

Geez, I just realised how cliched that is, but it is what I think. Which brings me to the next topic...

Love and relationships

It's only this year that I found out that many Singaporean guys think that local girls are high-maintenance. Which really came as a shock to me. Mainly because most (all?) girls I know are rather self-sufficient, and don't have to depend on their boyfriends for stuff. Neither do they seem like they are the sort who would manipulate guys to buy things for them.

But the picture I get of the Singaporean girl from those guys is this: Cold-hearted, aloof, material-minded bitch.

Damn sad, right? I was extremely indignant when I first heard of this. Because I'm not like that at all.

Seriously. I don't like to ask people for money. Depending on how you see it, I'm either too thin-skinned, or too thick-skinned. Either way, it's just not done for me. It's not like I can't afford it myself. Sure, it would be nice if my boyfriend lavished expensive gifts on me. It would be nice if I had a boyfriend who had a nice car that made everyone else envious and who could take me to nice and expensive places, and on holidays.

But at the end of the day, I want to sleep next to someone whom I know (as corny as this sounds) really loves me for who I am.

Look at it this way...if he really loves you and he is rich (wow lucky you lol), then he would lavish gifts on you. And if he really loves you but isn't rich, wouldn't he still do his best to make you happy, whatever that entails? It's a win-win situation no matter his financial status, with this very important (and hard to fulfill) condition: he has to really love you. In fact, the gift that was hard-earned may actually be of more value than the one easily given.

Then again, it's never this simple. I wish it could be, but human beings are imperfect and at some point or other, someone is going to disappoint.

Or maybe it is. I think you will know it, inside yourself, whether someone really cares for you. It will show; most probably not in the big things, but the little ones. People are always looking for grand gestures and dramatic declarations of love, but I think it is in the everyday things that show you that you are loved...and in which you fall in love.

A good friend of mine recently got married. There was no wedding dinner, no wedding dress, no honeymoon, even. (NO, it wasn't shotgun.) But I think they are happy, and I'm happy to see this, too. In fact I'm very much heartened to see them (they are so funny and sweet together) and to hear about how they work through their problems.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've typed a lot. I think I haven't written anything so personal on this blog for a long time. And I would have typed a lot more, but I would digress and I have so many thoughts that I could go on forever. And they are messy. Just about everything is up in the air for me now, and I hope they start to settle in the second half of this year.

posted by esther @ 9:20 PM

3 Comments:

At 10:24 AM, Anonymous said…

hi qing ying! you have finally updated (: i am really glad to see that, haha.

thanks for your post. i enjoyed reading it. all the best and enjoy your last semester! tell me about your counselling course when you are free, it sounds really interesting.

kah ming
At 12:28 PM, miss X said…

hmm...Sg guys think local girls are high-maintenance?? Where did you hear that from? I cant imagine any of us being high maintenance...hahahaha!
At 7:13 PM, esther said…

hi kah ming!: yes i'll definitely tell you more about my counselling course, hopefully soon :)

liz: i heard it both first and second hand from guys i know. i can't imagine that either. they should hang out more with us! hahaha. tell you about this on msn next time :P