CALLED

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

You're tired, hungry, need to go to the toilet, your eyes are so strained that vision is blurry (but could also be smudged specs). You're slightly hassled and anxious because deadlines are looming (just the next day, in fact). Some part of you wants to lie down and sleep. But the majority of you is there, somewhere between the words and your brain.

That was me this afternoon in the library, rushing my poster for Psych. It's tough trying to fit in every main point for an experiment into 500 words, 3A4 size pages. I procrastinated quite a bit in earlier days (now I wish I hadn't, or I'd have been asleep now!) because there was so much to spew out and then to re-assimilate and regurgitate in dot-pointed, bite-sized chunks.

I realised today that some teeny bits have broken off the back off my laptop. Thank God, it doesn't affect its functioning. Maybe I knocked it against the table while I took it out.

I 'beat' the cranky security guard today! I can't remember if I blogged about it, but I had an unpleasant experience with him the last time I went to the LCK Ref. Lib. Basically I felt he was treating me like I had smuggled dope in when really all I did was to take in my bag (with notes + file + books) which I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do.

(I am now printing my poster.)

Today I cheated; I took along my lab readings, my unit book, and my Findlay guide to writing Psychology essays and lab reports, and also a book I've been reading (that's for another time). All dope-quality stuff. Oh and my laptop, plus my water bottle and sweets etc. He saw me trying to go in with my bag and I said it was my laptop. I think he then asked me to show him so went to the table. He saw my file and said something (didn't hear clearly). I said, "My notebook what..." Don't know why I spoke like that, it was kind of rude. Then he saw the Findlay and the book in my laptop bag, and I guess he said something about them. I said, "But I lock already leh." He thought for a while, then went, "Ahh go lah go lah." Rather exasperatedly.

I felt quite bad after that cos' he let me go in, and I guess he isn't as horrible as I thought after all. Next time I will try not to bring any books in. But no guarantees. xP There was this secondary school/JC (couldn't recognise the uniform) who came in to find his friend. He then reached under his jacket and brought out a stack of notes! I thought that was quite funny.

There is a staircase leading from the 7th (the floor I was on) to the 8th. This lady walking down accidentally dropped a book from the staircase. Talk about killer litter.

My shoulders are aching from carrying around my 3kg laptop the whole day. I want to get a new one soon. This one is getting slow and it's awfully noisy. There are light patches around the mousepad and keypad borders from my killer sweat, and the silver paint has flaked off the volume control and some other buttons. There are about 3 years of germs and dirt under the keys....EW.

I am very chipper now, but a few hours ago I came home (from Bible Study, no less) feeling miserable. I started typing a letter to God and listed out all that I felt. I'm so glad that I can come to Him this way. Before I was finished I found myself writing this poem:

The War Within, The War Without

Panic, hit.
Score.
Despair, attack.
Score.
Fear, hit.
Yes!
Alienation, attack.
Almost down.
Loneliness, hit.
Right on!
Insecurity, attack.
Whoopee!

But you’ve gone too far,
You’ve gone too far.
Torn away the veil of shame
Knocked me onto bended knee
And now I see

What I’ve been wearing
What I’ve been hiding
And hiding behind
O what a shame.

I look in my heart
I see the glory
The glory of His Cross and life
Overtaking the darkness.

I look in my head
I see the memories
How He reached down
When I was poor and lonely!

How can I be ashamed
Despairing
Or fearful
How can I not belong
Be alone
And insecure

When my sins are paid for
And I have so much ahead
When my God is the Creator,
The Lion of Judah,
The Hound of Heaven,
Always chasing after me.

O you’ve gone too far,
You’ve gone too far.
The game’s up on you now
Remember Satan:
YOU’VE LOST.

And after that I felt much better. Sometimes I forget how much I really have, and what a big loser the enemy really is. Sometimes I forget how God loves me, how much He cares. Sometimes I forget that I have a God who made the universe and who chased me all the way to the grave and back.

But I must be blessed to forget because when I remember, I am filled with joy, peace and gratefulness.

(Though I really should forget less often and let being filled be a natural state for me =D)

I can't believe I cut so many words I'm under the word limit (500 words)!!!! Went to put in more words to make the flow smoother. Still under: 484. Interesting number. Superstitous Chinese folk would probably say it's a terrible number, because it sounds like 死吧死 (Die, die)! Bleagh. I rebuke that in Jesus' name. Amen!

posted by esther @ 2:56 AM

1 Comments:

At 1:37 AM, esther said…

Sequel: after that I added in more words and found that I got exactly 500 words! Haha. So no more 484.

Also, I like the jagged edges of my poem. See, when the words are typed out, they form jagged edges on the right side? It adds visual impact to the meaning! :D