| Saturday, November 18, 2006 |
| GOD IS SO UNFAIR!!!!!!! |
Haha...UNFAIRLY GOOD, that is. I often get revelations of His love doing the most ordinary things. Like sitting on the train, walking home, whatever. People always have this idea that revelations are supposed to be deep and 'chim', but I think sometimes it's the simplest revelations that are the most profound and impactful.
This morning I woke up tired and cranky. And somewhat strangely depressed. Well, perhaps not so strangely, but I'm not gonna talk about it here. :P I didn't feel like going to school or even to church tomorrow. But I didn't want to be cranky and depressed, so I asked God in my heart to help me. It wasn't even so much of a prayer as a vaguely formed thought. And I told myself, hey, I am His child, and He is my Father. That was all.
Well, something strange happened in me, and I didn't even realise it then. But the negative feelings left me! Even before class started, actually. And class was very fun today. The new teacher (new to me, anyway) Violet was very funny, though not very experienced. She was more like one of us, really. And she's only 26! That's, like, so so so so young.
Anyway, I just felt very cheerful today. I think in general I've become a lot more cheerful now...now that I know just how much my Daddy loves me. Oh, I've always known it, for sure; I just didn't know He loved me THIS much. And I believe what I know now is only the tip of the iceberg!
Last Sunday, my pastor was talking about how Jesus suffered a broken heart on the cross, evident when "one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water" (John 19:34). The presence of the water means the heart ruptured. I think I've heard this before, but I don't think it hit me till then. To think that His heart broke for me and because of me! I felt my own heart clench at that moment. I was quite stunned, really, and tears came into my eyes. How much He loves me! There's really only one Person who can make me cry so many tears of happiness and gratitude.
I've digressed a bit. So, as I was saying. God is so unfair. He's done so much for me, and loved me even when I didn't give a bowel movement (hur hur) about Him. And now when I do care and love Him back, He's still giving and giving and giving so much more than I deserve! This when I still doubt Him at times, and get angry at Him. Even if I wanted, I couldn't boast of my love for Him; it is minuscle compared to His love for me. And I only love Him because He has proven and continues to prove His love for me! My love is conditional; His never was.
So I was sitting on the train today, and the verse from the book of James about persevering in trials came to mind. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials, of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance (James 1:2)."
I'd learnt about this verse in bible study a long time back. But to be honest, I couldn't comprehend it then. It seemed so much to expect out of me, something I could never attain. How was I supposed to have PURE JOY (JOY!!! PURE?!!) when I face trials of many kinds??!! Nevertheless, I accepted it as something I was supposed to develop. I kinda had this idea that the Christian life was rife with hardships (perhaps even more than the non-Christian, because we are supposed to abstain from so many things and lead a 'holy life') but that I just had to grit my teeth and bear it because this is what God expects of me. Honestly, it's still hard even now. Especially when I'm still in the whatever situation I'm in. It can be hard to see, really, where the escape and the joy is in it all.
That's where the revelation I had came in. With a sudden flash of insight, I realised: Yes, it IS possible to have pure joy in all trials. Why? Because! Because all trials are not only temporary, God will be faithful to deliver me out of all of them because He loves me. In fact, I don't even have to be touched or tainted by it. He can even make it not touch me at all in the first place! "A thousand may fall at [my] side, ten thousand at [my] right hand, but it will not come near [me]. (Psalm 91:7)." I can persevere joyfully in any trial because I know that He is good, and He loves me, and will deliver me out of it. My circumstances can look really bad but I can still smile through it knowing that He is not only almight but faithful to me. I already knew some of this years ago too, but not in this manner. It's like you have a diamond in the dark and suddenly a ray of light hits it and then you realise how beautiful and brilliant it really is!
That's why I no longer need to worry and fret, although being human I still do at times. I know He doesn't hold it against me anymore though. And the more I experience His love, I find that the less I worry. Not because I'm self-sufficient. Because He is my More Than Enough!
Lastly, let me just talk about Christianity and being a Christian and religion. Frankly, I don't like the term "Christian". It actually means "imitator of Christ". Huh! How preposterous. How can we ever imitate Christ! How self-righteous and holier-than-thou! Yes, we do become more and more like Christ. But only by looking upon Him and His goodness. Trying to become like Him using our human strength is futile and meaningless; where's the joy in that?
(So yes maybe you can call me a free-thinker since I don't see my relationship with Jesus as a religion and I am truly free!)
If you look carefully, you'll realise that Jesus Himself never used very harsh words on the sinners - the prostitutes, tax collectors etc. Nor the many ill and sick who went to Him to receive healing when according the law of the time they were not supposed to even go out. He was always gentle and patient with them, telling them, "Your faith has made you well," (because they believed He could heal them, and dared to do so!). Even His chosen Twelve frequently doubted His power and goodness (think about Thomas and Peter, who put his foot into his mouth three times after telling Jesus that he would lay down his life for Him!). Yet He was always gentle with them. But to the self-righteous Pharisees who thought they could please God with their laws and rituals He hissed, "You brood of vipers!" He even calls them hypocrites and "whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean".
The funny thing about Christianity is that even though we have sainted the Twelve and villianized the Pharisees, most of us don't realise that the things we do now in church are just as self-righteous and that we are frequently as ignorant, and that our faith is as wavering as that of the disciples. (But give credit where credit is due; they weren't chosen for nothing!) No, we are not one of us better than the Pharisees or the disciples. Yet we are loved, nonetheless. YOU are loved, nonetheless. YOU ARE LOVED. Yes, you, sitting here reading this - or skimming through it because I've typed so much and you can't be bothered to read it all! :P
Now, about being holy and religious. I never had a sense of being holy for the past few years. You think I'm Little Miss Nice? Oh, GOD knows what I'm really like. The incredible thing is that He loves everything He sees, warts and moles and hair and acne and scars and open wounds and sweat and blood and tears and all. Now I know I am holy and righteous all the time because Jesus' blood covers me. If I have murderous thoughts today, I am still holy and righteous in Christ. Yes, I may have sinned, but it has been voided because Jesus already took this sin away from me into His own body. Sin cannot affect my standing in Christ. Not because God the Father chooses not to see it on me, but because it's already not there! It was taken away by Jesus!
"For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous (Romans 5:19)."
"It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. (1 Corinthians 1:30)."
I used to feel bad to read all the things promised to the righteous, because I thought I wasn't righteous. Now I know that all the promises, protection and privileges of the righteous belong to me. Not because I fast and pray and meditate on the Word for an hour everyday, not because I keep the Sabbath and tithe and say grace before every meal. Not because I 'try not to sin' or serve in church. Blah blah blah blah blah - you get the idea...
But because Jesus died to redeem me.
Simple.
(Oh I have so much to say I think I could go on forever. Now I know why Pastor can preach and preach and not get tired of it! Haha!) |
posted by esther @ 2:25 PM  |
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| 1 Comments: |
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Amazing post. Really.
I am blessed to read it.
Sarah:)
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Amazing post. Really.
I am blessed to read it.
Sarah:)