| Wednesday, September 27, 2006 |
| Early in the morning: Buffy in retrospect |
And I've spent the night doing my Comms essay on postmodernism and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not done yet; I've about 500 words more to go. And what I've written, I feel, still needs to be tweaked and rearranged considerably. My body is tired, though I suspect I will not be able to sleep if I hit the bed now. Besides, it's almost sunrise, and I would like to greet it with gratitude today. :)
Buffy, Buffy. It's really quite ironic that I've been asked to analyse it now for an essay. Not just for the arguments I used to have with Sarah about whether it was or was not crap TV (lol). But because the whole idea of Buffy holds immense meaning for me. When I was first mesmerised by it, I was in secondary school. I think I had just started secondary school, in fact, just like Buffy, who starts the series at a a new school in Sunnydale. Unlike her, I wasn't seeking to run away from my identity at my previous school. But, like her, I was embarking on a rollercoaster journey of self-identity. I don't think I realised that at that time.
Buffy was my heroine. I often wished I was like her: strong, beautiful, powerful. Yet I identified with her too because she was human and feminine at heart, and fragile. Secondary school was a tumultous, painful time for me. She was everything I was not, and Sunnydale was my escape. There, the impossible happened - and beckoned; the supernatural could change your life. It could touch you and make you what you weren't before. I watched Buffy religiously, as I'd tell people now. I lived vicariously through her. I particularly remember telling Sarah once about how Buffy had let her vampire boyfriend Angel suck her blood, so that he would not perish, how painful it was for her, and how sacrificial of her to do that. I wondered if I could ever love someone like that. Perhaps I even wondered, deep down inside, if I could ever be loved like that, for I never felt loveable in those days.
Strangely, when I think about Buffy in relation to those years, I don't feel bitter or sad at all, or wistful. I feel happy, and young. It's brings me back to a part of my younger days which I really enjoyed. I actually feel younger now then I felt then, realising what a brand new life I've been gifted with. And oh, the endless possibilities that lie ahead of me now! Back then I could see none of this. But perhaps there was a yearning, a hope, of something better, that He kept alive.
I'm astonished at the realisations I'm coming to even as I type. Because now, on the cusp of turning legally adult, I find myself working through identity issues again. Not struggling painfully and by myself anymore, thank God, only just a little - with the old and new selves within me. The sin in the flesh that so often arises to doubt the favour of God. Labouring to rest in Christ and His finished work, which is not easy, as the word "labouring" suggests.
But now the supernatural has touched my life, and I have been changed. Reborn again, a new creation. How wondrous - and I have to say, it takes getting used to. I know now, that I am loved, was loved - way before I was even conceived. Someone too gave up His blood for me, and He died, when Buffy hadn't. Someone had considered me more valuable than His life and power. Someone had loved me sacrificially and overwhelmingly even then, and I didn't know it. But I do now. It never ceases to amaze me - how much He esteems and values me!
I'm settling into my calling as a new creation, a child of God. Just as Buffy learnt, eventually, to rest in her calling and even to delight in it. The supernatural has touched me and bequeathed me the power to vanquish evil (haha I know this sounds so drama-mama!). And I know that I was chosen, just as Buffy was; He had foreseen this all along.
Well, it's almost daylight now, and for once I get to say "Good morning" and "Thank You Lord" to the day. Most nights these days I find myself being grateful for my day as I sink down into my bed. But most days, I just wake up cranky! Nevermind, I shall continue to grow in grace until I wake up most days (even everyday) thanking God! :) |
posted by esther @ 5:54 AM  |
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