CALLED: What Can I Say?

Friday, February 25, 2005

What Can I Say?

Last Sunday at the end of praise and worship I was moved to write a poem I was going to entitle What can I Say? but then I forgot about it and threw the whole pile of paper away =P

Anyhow it was about being undone by the grace of God. Actually, I didn't use that phrase - it just came - "being undone by the grace of God". Literally. I have been walking with him for about 3 years now, and I must say I am really forgetful. Pastor once said that we are "leaky people", and I can't agree more. I often forget about His grace, and that I have to rely on His strength, not mine.

But then if you know about how the heart works, that is exactly how the heart beats - the membranes of the part in our heart (the sino-atrial node, SAN) that starts a heartbeat is leaky to sodium ions, causing depolarisation across the membrane and hence causing contraction in the heart. If we weren't leaky we would die! The same applies: How would we learn to appreciate His goodness if there are no trials and no pain in our lives?

And each time, really, I am undone. Naked, exposed. He sees through all the layers of pretense I put on, the shell of silence I inhabit as an act of self-defense. He runs after me when I run away from Him. He is not deceived by the false smiles and fake cheeriness I use sometimes, nor by the cold air I may exude at times to keep people away and outside my personal space. His heart beats with mine, His blood flows in me, and He feels the slightest twinge, the slightest tug within.

In a moment of despair a few nights ago, He came in the wind and I heard Him say, "I love you." I screamed in my mind at Him, "If You love me why did You allow this to happen?!" and then refused to hear Him. I thought of giving up. But then that would only make Satan happy, and it's not worth letting him have that pleasure. One thing that spurs me on in this journey is the realisation of just how cunning and deceitful Satan is, despite the fact that he has already lost the battle. I will not let him steal away the peace and joy I have in Christ! That I shall always guard jealously. I am not going to be taken by a defeated army. I am a child of God, I ought to wear that identity like armour.

I read this excerpt from The Chronicles of Narnia (C.S. Lewis) just now:

"He'll put all to rights as it says in an old rhyme in these parts;

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,

At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,

When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,

And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

You'll understand when you see him."

"But shall we see him?" asked Susan.

"Why Daughter of Eve, that's what I brought you here for. I'm to lead you where you shall meet him," said Mr. Beaver.

"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man?" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan ia a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" asked Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." (Oxford, 1997)

It's from this article.

If you haven't figured out yet, Aslan is God. And I love this desciption of Him cos' it's almost contradicting - He isn't safe, but He's good. He is a wild lion with potent power in His mane. He is neither your benign God who helps little old ladies across the road nor the malevolent, being who treats us as pawns in His little game with Lucifer. He is somewhere in between these two and yet wildly different. He is uncontainable, indescribable, He is strong and mighty and wild.

And He loves me, and keeps me close to His bosom like a baby.

Isn't He just awesome? I feel so proud to be His. :)

posted by esther @ 11:28 PM

2 Comments:

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