| Sunday, June 19, 2005 |
| Fathers' Day |
Today was awesome.
It started off with my fingers doing the walking all by themselves when I was on duty this morning for projection. That didn't mean I made zero mistakes, but I think I did pretty well. When I first started out I made quite a lot of mistakes, and used to think, Oh no. Why can't I even do something as simple as pressing a few keys??!! It doesn't help when people look at you (me being in plain view and all) when something wrong happens like it's my fault or something. Which most of the time, it is lah. : X Anyway, I daresay I have gotten much better at pressing keys. But today, I remembered to switch to the next slide a beat faster / right on time, bearing in mine what Pastor Monica said to me one week: The projectionist doesn't need to hold the note till the end too you know! Of course she said it jokingly, and because of that it's stuck in my head. I even found that I could anticipate where the worship leader wanted to head next with the songs. During praise and worship I was light with wonder and joy because I knew it was Christ in me who was working the keys, not me.
I feel new again, revived. It's not even like this week since coming back from camp has been a piece of cake. It was quite rough earlier in the week, and I found myself thinking that things seemed to be going back to the way they were before camp.
And before camp, I was really quite an emotional mess. Not that I was bathing my face in tears each day, but I'd go on these crazy emotional rollercoasters, and I felt this pervading sense of failure in my life. I went for camp expecting something wonderful to happen, and it did, praise God! I had this really intense experience during one of the worship sessions which I led. That, was really also Christ in me working, because frankly I really had doubts about my ability to lead the congregation. And really, the marvelous thing was that I didn't even matter. It could have been any other Tom Dick or Harry, and had God chosen to work His power, nobody would have been able to stop Him. Perhaps in part it had to do with the fact that I was so convinced about my own incapility I had to just leave it up to God. I said, God, I can't do this on my own strength. Let it be none of me and all of You. Just let me be that vessel through which You can touch Your people! And He did. I don't know personally how other people felt about that session, but it was quite mind-blowing for me. I felt like I was disconnected from myself, and one with God. That He was this river and I was totally submerged in Him. That I was dissolving and melding into His essence.
And I had this feeling that next time when I make love to my husband it would feel a bit like that. I'm not talking about the physical sensations here, but the emotional and spiritual. Two individuals becoming one. Connecting. No wonder John Donne asked God to 'ravish' him in one of his later poems. If you've studied Donne before (I haven't, it was Sarah who told me all about him) you'd know that his earlier poems were really horny. But later in his life he became a Christian and he wrote many poems about God (Correct me if I'm wrong Sarah =D). And actually I thought it was rather gross that he actually asked for God to 'ravish' him. I mean eww. When I see/hear the word 'ravish', I think 'steamy hot sex'. =S So I thought, how does God ravish a man? Now I know what Donne might have meant! And really, why does it have to be dirty? Sex is a wonderful thing, a gift from God. It's the world who has perverted it and made us all feel that there's something somewhat dirty/unclean about it.
Last thing. I went to WILD WILD WET with my PARENTS!!!! Purely by accident, really. We had only wanted to go swimming, and we headed toward this area with a lot of slides and water and stuff. Couldn't find a pool to swim in at all. We only played in the Tsunami pool and took the Shiok River ride, but we really had fun. Unexpectedly for me. And perhaps for my parents as well. I've not seen them so carefree and happy for a while. Shame on me, I was a little sulky when I realised there was no proper pool to swim in, and I didn't feel like playing in the beginning. And it wasn't until much later when I saw the words Wild Wild Wet (or Wet Wet Wild to Bro Ber who always calls it that - LOL) on one of the floats.
Yes, today was awesome. |
posted by esther @ 10:31 PM  |
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