CALLED: No this blog is not dead...

Sunday, August 20, 2006

No this blog is not dead...

It's just that...well. I didn't feel like blogging, because I was too busy having a life outside of cyberspace! Many many things have happened - good and bad and whatever in between. It hasn't exactly been smooth; but then again when has life ever been? Sometimes I feel like blogging about things but don't because this is a public space, and as some may know, I'm fiercely territorial about my private life. I've contemplated going to a private blog on LJ and going friends-only, but then again many of my friends don't have LJ accounts. And then there is that question - which friends do I allow to read certain entries? Too complicated, so I'm staying here for the moment.

I do still want to blog about that big change that happened in my life, but I don't know what I should and should not include in my account. Let's just say it's pretty controversial for those who have any association with it. If you know already, well yay! Hahaha....

So, the big (or not) question: What have I been doing? Apart from school and the usual fretting over assignments, I've been watching way too many movies: Pirates, Lake House, Lady in the Water, Hard Candy, Nacho Libre....... I'm still learning. Learning what? You know, the usual cliched (but true) stuff: learning to live, to love, to let go and let God. To be still, to rest. Which is ironically harder than it sounds. But then again, I love the fact that my God is a God of irony; life in death, death in life, healing in breaking, strength in weakness, peace in a storm.

And He is good. Exceedingly good. This fact stands no matter how my life is at any moment in time. No matter how I'm like at any moment in time. I used to worry, that if people really knew how I was like, I'd be "a bad testimony". But almost 5 years of walking this path has led me to realise that it's not about me. Likewise, I have no right to judge anyone else's standing in Christ by outward behavior. Because I've been there. Yet His grace abounds, all the time. It's covered my sin for all eternity. Never listen to anyone who tells you that when you sin, you crucify Jesus again. Don't know about you, but knowing how incredible His love is doesn't make me wanna sin. If everyone knew what He was really like!

My mom's big sister passed away 2 weeks ago. Honestly, I never really knew her. Her family has been kind to mine though. Why do I speak like that when we're so closely related? Things are just very strange in my family. I dreaded having to get together for the funeral, which was going to be a Buddhist one. But in the end it was alright. I felt a great sense of peace anchoring me. I somehow walked in knowing that angels were following me. And I did take part in some of the rituals like offering joss sticks and sitting there while monks chanted. A few years ago, I think this would have been a tortuous experience - sitting in a group of strangers whose only connection to me (well, mostly) was blood? And having to take part in - yuck - pagan rituals. Omg I have to pray and repent and cast out the demons in Jesus' name!

But it was ok. Why fear I the attack of unclean spirits when His angels were there, and those very same spirits were fleeing seven ways? His peace girdled my soul that night. Even the chanting become melodious in my ears. I spoke to Him, silently, while I sat there. Still, in the most unlikely of places. He spoke back. And He promised me something, which I shall hold dear to my heart and wait on Him for.

A few years ago, too, I'd have felt terribly guilty that my aunt was not saved. That it was my fault, and now her blood would be on my hands. I'd be a murderer, I'd have sent her to Hell by my impassiveness. Not that I don't feel regret about that, certainly. But now I know; there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. And how do I know He didn't speak to her in her last moments? I'm not the Saviour; it is He, and only He!

Something else that happened: I met Koustav after losing contact for about 3 years. I met him together with Raji and Jong, and it was fun. Like old times, making me miss the carefree-ness of JC life. Especially GP lessons, the only oasis in my academic life. The boy(s) I went to school for. The stupid things we (I) did. The silly creature nicknames: Donkey, Eagle, Goat, Vampire, and err, Michael Jackson. Funny how you can not see someone for so long and feel like you're just continuing on from your last conversation, even when so much in between has happened and you're obviously different. And yet you can see someone everyday and not have a single thing to say to them.

If you're still with me, I wanna share this really funny thing I heard today: Abraham had his first son when he was 100 years old, when his body was dead. But he didn't have to get Pfizerised; all he had to do was look at the big blue sky!

Well, it's not really hahaha-funny; just a brilliant twist of words.

Then there was compulsory Psych classes yesterday and today. Phew! I'm glad it's all over, but I enjoyed this sem's much more than previous ones. More interactive and hands-on. And yes, I know I told Halima I should NEVER say anything about male teachers even if they are old enough to be MY grandfather (What, do I look like the kind of girl who has scandals with her male teachers??), but what the heck: I enjoyed Max Jory's sessions. I think I've just been really starved of quality teaching here. *hint hint*

I'd really like to share this super funny thing I said to Halima about Superman, but I promised her I mustn't talk about it here, so *zip*

Blah blah blah...like I said, so much has happened. And it's a bit silly to blog about things that happened weeks ago right? Even as they're running through my head now. So tata for now!

posted by esther @ 10:44 PM

3 Comments:

At 10:18 PM, Jacinthe86 said…

well i enjoyed graeme hyman's lessons
someone drop money to us so we can go over to aust to study aye?
that superman thing ah....hehe...
know what now my fingers are on strike, they refuse to type properly so im not blogging till my fingers behave themselves....*lol*
At 1:04 AM, esther said…

yeah...i've been considering that, now that you-know-what has happened. i forgot to blog about that! haha...
At 4:38 AM, Anonymous said…

Hi Esther! You're in love aren't you? I can see that your life is so delicious! Life is sweet when you're experiencing sweet sweet love! *Lovey Dovey* XP

You know who I am because I am the only one that will type this one and only message. =D