| Monday, April 18, 2005 |
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Before I even say anything else:
MUSIC FOR THE HEART N SOUL
ENCOUNTER FEST
30TH APRIL 2003 SATURDAY
4 - 6 PM
RIVER OF LIVING WATERS CHURCH
It will rock your world. Or rather, Someone there will rock your world! ;D It's open to all who want to come. Something is going to happen. Don't miss out on it.
[Or if like my dear friend (code name Diva) who wants to come and be my 'fan club' and watch me sing...you are very welcome as well! xP]
Pastor's message last Sunday (yesterday) gave an answer I had been looking for, semi-consciously. I had been having this strange feeling that something wasn't right, that something was missing. That life had become, somehow, an endless routine of things I did not really want to do. Yes, I'd been doing these things for quite some time and a few months ago I didn't feel this way about them. There was this spark that was just...missing.
Felt really crummy on Saturday. Then I got to know about something that had happened to a dear friend of mine, and was awakened anew to how blessed I am. Not that I am happy about what happened to her. I am sad, because I myself had such hopes invested in this thing that has failed. There was a time when I envied her position but I would really rather not be in hers now. In fact I am grateful for the time and space I have been allowed (which sometimes, though, I have to admit I didn't want) to grow without having stuff like this in my life. True, it takes a different kind of strength in my position, but I would rather this than that. Still, I am blessed to see how she is handling this, and to see the strength in her that I know is from God.
Sunday came and it could have turned out to be really crummy as well, until I heard Pastor's message. He said that perhaps we are not living out our lives to the full because our minds, body and souls are not united. This reminds me of the sermon by Pastor Prince about being a yahkid. A complete being. A whole person. And I realised, yes, I am divided within. Sometimes even torn. Sometimes I get so tired and I just want to give up and do all that I want to do that I know is wrong, even though I know I will soon feel bad because there is still that side of me that is good. And because it took me so long to get away from it, that I don't want to go back into the pit again. That awful struggle to break free, those feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Really I am so glad that I am now free from it.
And I asked myself, what is it that I really want? The answer was simple and clear: God. I only want God. If I have Him then I have everything I could ever want and need. He is the only One who understands all that I go through, who can restore the broken parts of me, who can give me victory. He is the One who will never disappoint nor forsake or hurt me.
So I had my answer to the silent question that had been bubbling around inside.
I watched Desperate Housewives just now. There was this bit where the narrator went on at length about how all search for some sort of meaning to their lives, whether it be in romance, anguish, revenge...and that there are just some lives that have no meaning at all. And I felt so glad, then, that despite everything, I have meaning in my life. I have meaning in my life because of Jesus.
Some time ago I emailed an internet friend (the correspondence has since ended) and told him that since we talked (there were years in between) I have been reborn. And he, a non-believer then and now, said something like I will not know what I will be in the future. As in I might one day stop believing, only I cannot imagine that happening now.
I get where he was coming from. Who can tell the future? People I know who once burned for God have backslid. I think that is so sad. But I also think it is a choice, to let go of God. I have had ample opportunities in the past few months to think about it. Ok not so many, just a few times, at those times when I felt so hopeless and helpless. There have been times when I felt like just going away from Him, from church, from everything. And just going my own selfish way. But I knew that I would regret making that sort of decision, even then.
I can't see what will happen in the future. Worst things will most probably happen. Death will visit. Maybe I will be devastated by someone I love. (I once had this notion that if I was heartbroken yet again my heart would die. Haha. It seems quite silly now actually.) Some may question how a supposedly good and loving God can allow these things to happen to His children.
I have wondered too...if I meant anything to Him, because at those times He doesn't seem to care a bit for me at all. But when I am more sensible I understand that the most beautiful things are formed under pressure. Silver is refined in fire. Diamonds and whatever natural precious stones. Mountains. Even rivers have to carve their own paths through soil and rock. And like Pastor said, trials are meant to be tests that confirm whether we are one being. Besides, if He loves me enough to give up everything to save me, why should He want bad things to happen to me? If He loves me enough to be humiliated by the very ones He loves (of which I am one of), to be whipped and beaten and broken and murdered. And misunderstood. Even now I break His heart when I think that He doesn't care, when I rage at Him in frustration, when I hold bitterness towards Him. And all the while, all He's ever done is love me.
Everything happens for a higher purpose than I can comprehend at times. But now that I realise one thing that my spirit, soul and body can agree on, why, should I not purpose to live only for that one thing? |
posted by esther @ 11:34 PM  |
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