| Sunday, October 03, 2004 |
| fluttery butterflies~ |
In my stomach, and my heart's pounding. How strange to be feeling this way. I dare not imagine or even ask for it...
At least, thank God so much! it's not distracting me from the important things. If anything it makes me want to work even harder, to improve, to be better. Maybe even to be sensible, even though my common sense is telling me this isn't the most sensible thing in the world.
I go through spates like that, when it feels so thoroughly weird to be in this.
So weird that something like this can make me feel this way. For all I know, it's all only in my head.
My heart is bursting.
I hope not to make the same mistakes I've made for the past two years. Oh God please don't let this blow out of proportion!
Sometimes I am so tempted to tell a few people about this, but I don't. I'm not exactly sure why; the moment passes and I decide that I can keep this a secret in my heart. It is...somehow sweet. I wonder if that is perverse. Haha!
[Update. The other day I said to one of those few people that the next time I find myself in such a situation again, maybe I’ll be too scared to tell anyone and maybe I’ll just keep it to myself. I was secretly hoping this person would ask me what exactly is the matter, but instead this person said, “Yeah. Just tell God and ask for His guidance!” So I guess I’ll keep it to myself for as long as I can keep it in, though sometimes I really just want to tell the whole wide world.]
I'm so glad I have Jesus. I'd be in pieces if I didn't have Him.
While I've not been blogging, I've been fighting a battle of my own. I realise how narrow and near-sighted I can be--I let my vision fill up with nothing but my problems my problems my problems. I am sick of living under unnecessary stress and fear. I want to break free. Geez, Jesus already set me free 2004 years ago! What am I doing going back to that dark place again??
Have realised that in the night, fears, worries, doubts, insecurities are magnified; darkness enshrouds, and if you're not careful, it enters your heart.
Then one night, as I lay down, I saw, through my window, the big yellow glowing luminous moon, and understood how David felt when he wrote about the moon in Psalm 8.
Thank God. |
posted by esther @ 10:09 PM  |
|
|
|
