| Tuesday, September 14, 2004 |
| I'm a Queen, That's Why! |
Was feeling tired just now and thought of blogging another day. But I decided to, anyway. I don't know why my heart is beating so fast now. =P
Before I even explain the title of this post, let me take you back to a month or so ago. One day, I went to Life Bookshop, intending to buy the latest Hillsongs album and/or SOP album. They were both out of stock. Walking around, I noticed this book that was placed in a prominent area of the shop, and it was one of the cheapest at $19.90. Generation Esther, by Lisa Ryan. "You're more than just a pretty face," a line at the back of the book told me. Hmmm. Sometimes I don't evem feel like I am a pretty face! I thought. I didn't buy the book in the end.
One or two weeks later, I went back again with the same intentions. This time, the Hillsongs CD was in stock, but I felt like I'd like to buy the SOP one first. The book was still there, but it was the last copy. It was a tad dusty when I picked it up, and looked a little old at the corners. I was hesitant. But something kept telling me, Buy it, buy it. So I did. And I'm so glad I did!
The book contained stories of many women who were living set-apart, consecrated, radical lives for God, like Queen Esther. There were stories of missionaries who were in Afghanistan when 9/11 happened and they were taken into jail, of a woman who had to have an artificial eye fitted when she was only a child, and how in order to cover up her insecurity she hid behind a mask of brazen sexuality, and how God found her.
But the story that touched me most was the story of a woman (I forget her name) who devoted herself to the Lord at 13. He placed in her an urgency to memorise scripture, which she did; two verses a day for years, with no prompting or nagging from anybody. (That both impressed and depressed me - slightly - because of her sort of discipline which I lack so dearly.) At 15, she went blind. Neither she or her parents said a word to each other on the journey home. Her mind overran with thoughts and fears. But once home, her eyes fell on the piano, which she had only played casually at times as a way to get out of doing the dinner dishes. Something compelled her to walk towards it, sit down. As she sat there, she started playing "It is Well With My Soul." And as she did, she found strength anew.
Today, she is a mother of two, a recording artiste, a published author, a public speaker.
Something happened the day she played that song. The gift of music came alive in her. She realised she could play by ear, and even compose. And she also realised that God had been preparing her for that day when she would see with her eyes no more; she truly had His word hidden in her heart, and those words had gaven her strength.
Maybe you ask why He even allowed/ caused her to become blind in the first place. Who knows. But one thing I know, and I'm sure she does as well, is that God loves her, and He is good. Imagine, if that hadn't happen, perhaps she wouldn't be so accomplished today. And I would never have got to know her story, which would kick off a new period of growth for me.
Such faith! To be able to say, "It is well with my soul," when the doctor has just told me I would never see again. You know those questions that ask which sense you would prefer to lose. I can never decide, because each of my senses is so important to me. To be never be able to touch? Oh no. To never be able to hear music and singing and laughter again? No! To never be able to taste? To smell? To see the faces of those I love, and the beautiful sky? And even though this is not one of the senses - to lose my speech? To not be able to sing? I would be in such agony. To have that kind of trust. Trust! In this journey I've had to struggle with trusting God.
When I was done with the book, I had decided to live radically like that too. To claim the victory which is mine. To live consecrated, in the world, but not of the world. To acknowledge my royalty, my responsibility. To save my people (for God's people are mine) from the clutches of the enemy. To plunder hell and fill heaven. To be a history-maker, a life-changer. For my life to reflect the glory of God. For my countenance to reflect His. To seek His face and His smile. To be brave, and bold, and courageous. To live as a rebel against the ways of the world. I decided that I was sick and tired of being stressed and worrying about where I will be next year, will I pass my exams etc. I would leave all my burdens at the altar.
It was only a few nights later that I realised that perhaps God had been preparing me for where I am today too. You see, when I was 15/16, even before I got to know God, I stopped listening to secular music. I just strangely got bored of it. I only listened to it on my computer, and one day when I reformatted my computer, all the music files were lost. I didn't bother to re-download them. I don't have a single secular CD with me now, because all of them were destroyed during a cleansing session at carecell. Believe me, I felt so fantastic ripping up and breaking my former idols. I was a little hesitant with some of them, sure. Like the Jay Chou and Faye Wong and Stephanie Sun ones. But after all was said and done, I didn't miss them after all.
When I being interviewed to join the worship team as a vocalist, Bro Ed said I'd have to give up secular music, for various reasons which I'll not go into. It was no problem with me at all, because I had already forsaken it years before. As I look back now, I realise that it was God's hand in it, because, knowing myself, it'd have been a struggle for me to give it up if I was still listening to it. Nowadays, I still bop along to whatever music I hear in public if I like it. I've nothing against secular music which doesn't stumble. But it's more of like out of hearing, out of mind. I don't miss what I left behind. It no longer beckons.
Then I started reading the book of Esther. Before being crowned queen she had to be set aside for one year - !! I am also being set aside, literally - for one year!
And then it was announced that the theme for the next few months would be Kings and Kingship.
Can you believe how perfectly everything fits????
Things have been different since I received those revelations. A new purpose, a new strength. A fantastic revival in my formerly lacklustre prayer life. I tell you, I've never prayed like this before.
Chinese funeral downstairs. Very noisy and annoying, when I was in the shower. Started singing praise and worship songs out loud. Then after I went to the toilet to deposit my dirty clothes, was seized with a fury against Satan. So what I did was, I went to the window (I live on the eigth floor), which was directly above the funeral on the ground floor, and sang out loud. Very loud. I changed the lyrics and rebuked the evil spirits in the name of Jesus in my song. This is God's holy land and this are His people! You don't belong here! Get lost! I sang.
Qing Ying is usually not a person who has this sort of courage. I just didn't care if neighbours heard. Better still if they did! Haha. I think I sounded good enough not to be considered a nuisance eh. xP Whatever it is, I felt great after. Hoho.
Sunday's service was very good. Missed Pastor's sermons. He was talking about choosing the right people to be leaders, and told us that he'd been taking Bro Ber on courses in school, (Pastors have this company that gives talks and courses to schools. I think they even went to my primary and/or secondary school!) and that the girls LOVED him. "They call him Ah Gong [meaning grandfather], and even message Sister Carel to ask for Ah Gong's number." Woooo~ I'm telling you, that is really God's annointing ok. Read "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY SHEEP!" for further descriptions of Bro Ber, and you'll get what I mean.
Pastor: "Do you know how many spiritual battles your leaders fight for you? They fast for you - the skinny ones [I turned to look at Bro Ber] are fasting for you."
Oh yes, I think I have an idea. Right from when he had to take on the youth group due to some rather unexpected (yet expected) circumstances. He's been with us through the ups and downs since. I think I have an idea how much he willingly puts himself through for us, simply because he loves us. With the love of Christ.
I am so blessed, really. I have no worries about the basic amenities like food and shelter, and I live in moderate luxury. I am healthy and have all my senses intact. My parents have had very rough patches but still together and we're all still under the same roof. And outside of my family, I have this family of God. Even outside of this family of God, I have more than enough friends who do not judge me for who I am, or what I do, and have stuck with me through my rough patches. Most importantly, I have God, who is the one who bestowed all this upon me in the first place.
And what have I done to deserve all this? Nothing.
To think that people I did not know a mere three years ago are now some of my closest friends, my dearest beloved. People who have willingly sacrificed time and money and suffered inconveniences for me (and still do). People who embraced my faults, my sins, my foolishness, my inadequacies, my initial awkwardness.
God has given me so much. Words fail. That in Him, I have not only love and blessings, but also power and authority and riches. Wow. That blows my mind. He is not only a loving God, but a wise and powerful God as well.
After writing so much...it's time for my beauty sleep. =) |
posted by esther @ 11:06 PM  |
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