| Thursday, July 08, 2004 |
| As I Wait |
This is actually the title of Ping's blog, where she writes letters to her future husband. I applaud her for it, actually. I'd deem such stuff way too personal to post on the WWW. Still, many things from her blog I can relate to.
When I was still in my "OMG-I'm-fugly" stage, I really couldn't imagine being married or even having a boyfriend. Couldn't imagine that someone would like pathetic loser fugly me. Of course that has all changed. Thank God. Yes, it is such a relief to no longer be living in that pit. To know that I am lovable, that God made me this way, that above all, HE loved/loves/will love me, and it's more than enough, but He can and WILL give me more. Now isn't that just wonderful! =)
My future husband; I do wonder about him quite a lot. (Didn't you hear, I'm a hopeless romantic.) Like, what is he doing now? Sleeping? Being 'naughty' like me and not sleeping? Could he, by any chance, be wondering about his future wife? What does he look like? What is his name? What does he do? What will he do? Siblings? Pets? Family? Financial situation? What are his dreams? How has God touched him? Does he even know God now? What does he like? Etc, etc, etc...There are a million questions that can be asked about a stranger.
There is this Savage Garden song, from their last album before they disappeared off the scene (if I'm not wrong), that goes, "I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life..." (Note that "dreamed" is not proper grammar.) I thought that song was hogwash, even though I was a huge fan of them at that time. How can you love someone even before you've met them? When you know absolutely nothing about them? That sounds like "love at first sight" and I don't believe in that at all. Now, I still don't believe in love at first sight, but I can understand how it is possible to love someone before knowing them. Weird and vaguely creepy as it may sound.
I'm been thinking about all this stuff quite a bit, what with things happening with my friends and vibes that are resurfacing and all. My mom seems to think sometimes that I am attached, I don't know why. Weird-mom-logic. But that's out of point. The point is, I've always been very vulnerable to these things. I think I fall easily and when I do, I usually fall very, very hard, and end up getting hurt. The last time I liked someone, it was for 2 years during which I allowed him to take up too much of me. And it was one-sided!
Well, that's changed now. In the past 7 months or so, my mentality has changed a lot, and praise God, I am no longer vulnerable the way I was before. Now, I know what I really want, and no longer desire what is less than good enough. I've been tested, as precious few of you would know, and been distracted too (and still do get distracted at times). But I'm proud to say that I've stood my ground and not fallen foolishly again. Hey, I'm no longer Miss Fragile. Yay me. Yay Jesus. =D
The next time I fall, I hope it will be real, I hope I will have the courage to fall (it is quite frightening), and I hope it will be forever (which means till we draw our last breaths on earth).
Ok, drowning in sap already. Die. Lol. |
posted by esther @ 3:11 AM  |
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| 6 Comments: |
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