CALLED: reflections on work, etc

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

reflections on work, etc

Someone searched for the words "i've got the joy" on my blog. I wonder who? Haha.

Sometimes I am resentful for having to work. I want a holiday. I've been working since my exams ended last year. The only time I have is after work, the few hours of night. By the time I get home, I've usually missed all daylight altogether, and that makes me somewhat sad, because I am a day person and the passing of daylight saddens me.

I have tried asking for a break, but each time I do, either because I said it wrong or what, my mom gets really upset which makes me even more upset and Everything goes haywire in my life. I mean really Everything. Emotionally, I suddenly plunge into the dark depths and think of ending it all, hurting myself, throwing things and destroying stuff, screaming. Or everything. And I have actually done some of these things during those times.

Sometimes I wonder why is it that I become such an emotional wreck when Mom gets upset with me. It's a complicated story that stretches all the way back to when I was a child. But she is really important to me, and sometimes I think I could probably backslide (or rather, decide to - because it is alway a choice you make) because of her.

But when I think sensibly, I wonder how my parents do it, working the way they do. Almost 365 days a week minus public holidays and Sundays (sometimes they work on those days too) and up to 12 hours, take more or less. Then when they come home, they do housework. And I'm already collapsed on the bed. How do they do it? For the most part they never complain, despite the sheer amount they have already done. So who and what am I to complain?

And I think, after all, this life is just a transition period I'm passing through. It's ok if I don't have the temporal rest now - at the end of this race, my Beloved awaits. I shall have eternal rest in His arms, and I'll never have to go. If the little I put in now for my parents in what I know to be temporary will contribute towards their eternal salvation (which they have yet to receive), what have I got to lose?

Nothing. In fact I have all the more to gain. And have I not learnt a lot (even though I will only grudgingly admit so to them) from working this few months? And yes, the pay (with free transport and food and also housing! Haha!)! Great incentive, haha. I was in the shower when I thought, Hey, I'm a working woman now am I not. Haha. As a family our relationship is also better. Occasionally I still feel a little resentful about it, especially when people my age are having fun all day and I have to work work work. But the level of resentment is a lot lower now - I've grown, see! =D

And, like I always tell people, it's not what you feel, it's how you deal!

posted by esther @ 12:29 AM

2 Comments:

At 11:16 PM, Anonymous said…

so where're the photooos? hehe dang not even an mms to give a peeka glimpse at glamorous qing ying??! hehe

mootropolis
At 11:48 PM, esther said…

I have no idea! Haha. And I can't mms remember. Lol.