| Wednesday, May 04, 2005 |
| old journals: excerpts |
Was packing them into a box - you know, those self-assemble ones from Ikea. I used to write some really funny things, man.
sample 1 - the innocent childhood years
"Weather: Sunny
Date: 12-10-96
Gee, Diary,
I know I should write you everyday, but dah well, sometimes I feel soooo lazy I don't want to touch any paperwork at all, though one really shouldn't be so lazy. Tomorrow's my birthday, but on Monday, we have exams already. I hope I get 1 Band Two and 3 Band Ones, A for P.E., A for Music, again. Then I can go EM1 next year. Getting lazy again...."
[If you don't know, I ended up in EM2, but in the best EM2 class, because of my Maths!]
sample 2a - the turbulent teenage years (still quite silly though!)
"27/3/00
Dear Journal,
Am muching my way through lunch as I write. It's fried rice. Can you smell it? Of course you can't; you're an inanimate object. I can't; I've got a blocked nose. Haha.
.
.
.
Today when *Sheela sat beside me in Bio Lab. I felt my heart beat faster...
.
.
.
MY SORE THROAT IS KILLING ME!!!!
(Oh flu bug , flu bug, please leave me, I don't love you and you don't love me, why carry on? I knew I hated you before I met you! And I will hate you always!)
On 2nd thought, that was really dumb.
Y.Q.Y"
[As you can see, I was in a state of distracted sexuality then. Distracted because for the most part I still liked boys more than girls! Not confused. Now I am sure what I am - ramrod straight! On another note you can see influences from now-defunct pop group Savage Garden that I loved like crazy. They had a song called I Knew I Love You Before I Met You. ]
sample 2b
"10 PM
2/4/00
.....Sometimes I get so confused. I think I love my parents, but I can't accept their views. It's like they leave in another world. One that I have no wish to enter because it is harsh, bitter and cold. Is that what an adult's world is like? If so, then never let me grow up. I don't want to become like that.
But then again, it's not like my present world is so pure and untainted. If anything, it is composed of vanity and naivete. The only saving grace is that they are tinged with innocence. ..."
sample 2c
"10:21 PM
16/4/00
......I'm that insecure. Major big sigh. Dunno what is wrong with me. People just don't seem to want to be with me. ......"
sample 2d
"2:05 PM
18/6/00
Dear Journal,
I can't believe I'm back where I started again. Today is Father's Day. We're supposed to be out shopping. And what am I doing now? Lying on my bed writing in my journal, all the time sniffing away pathetically.
The person who gave birth to me is in the study drowning herself in self-pity. Her other half is outside doing something useful for once. When did he become like that?
The Hansons make wonderful music. But just one song "Dying to be Alive" hasn't changed a single fucking thing in my goddamned life. It must be punishment for losing my faith.
Nobody understood, understands will ever understand how I feel. The pain, the hurt, the anger. Only I can understand that.
I really can't imagine life in 10 years time. I'll probably be miserable then.
Both of them think I hate them, therefore they hate me. They hate me. They just think they love me. They'll definitely be better off without me.
I'll end up in Hell when I die. Cos' Satan loves me.
I shan't sign off. I don't know how to."
[Wow. All the lies I believed! Thank God that by His grace I now know I will not be miserable forever and that my parents don't hate me and that I will not end up in hell. That bit about 'losing my faith' - for a while I believed in God after reading this picture bible an ex-tutor gave me, but I 'stopped believing' during those years when I was all mad at the world. And thank God, now I know He doesn't punish us for these things. And yes, I was nuts about Hanson, ok?]
sample 3a - the jc years; still angsty but saved!
"11:44 April 26
Dear Lord,
I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. I should have. My feelings are really in turmoil now. I was probably in a state of shock and disbelief last night. *Ryan, attached??!! He who told *Dan that he had too many commitments and no time for a girlfriend.
It hurts, Lord, to know that there is a girl he likes, there is a girl whose hand he wants to hold, and who's accepted him too. That there is someone he thinks of a lot, because she is so special to him.
There. Now the tears are falling. God I hope nobody sees me in this state now! Only You, Lord. Only You.
.
.
.
Can I undo my feelings? I can't. Maybe I won't. I tell myself there will be someone else, but now I'm thinking it's just gonna be the same again. My heart will break, and I'll never have anybody.
Did You feel like this on the cross? You must have felt much worse. Great is Your love, Lord, that You would go through all that for me, and do it once over, twice over. ......"
sample 3b
"Lord, Lord. My mom is saying all those things again. I'm really frustrated, mad, pissed off and upset now. Why is she so jaded. Why does she not understand!!"
[Here I got so angry I scribbled angry lines all over the page and even tore the nib of my pen through it. That's how upset I was.]
Ok that's all for now. I probably wrote the most during my JC years - what with the boys and everything! Lol. But it's quite a wonder to read what I used to think and feel and how that has changed and how I've grown. How glad I am that the last few years only served to make me closer to Him! Praise God! It is not that following Him has been all sweet. I still experience the whole range of emotions, though perhaps some things no longer have the same effect on me. The tears I've spilled over the pages of these journals! I'm glad, though, that after I was saved many of those were tears of happiness and of being ministered to by God. Unlike the time when I was in secondary school.
Some people I've spoken to, and to an extent even my own mother, think I may be/ am obsessive and a fanatic and possibly even crazy. But how can I not be crazy about Jesus who was crazy enough to die for me. The past few years...maybe I won't be around today if not for Him. Or I would be extremely jaded and angry. But I'm not, I'm not because it's His love that has carried me.
Ok, bedtime! zzzzZZZZZ. |
posted by esther @ 1:07 AM  |
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