| Wednesday, September 24, 2003 |
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Don't know why, but I felt quite vulnerable just now, all of a sudden. I was writing in my journal to God about Ben. Oh, now I've got to explain. Well, he's this guy I had a really big thing for, for 6 months in J1. He was from my first OG...and I was very happy that I was getting close to him at that time. Until I found out that he liked another girl who was a mutual friend. Blah blah blah. Anyway, I soon found out that she didn't like him and he knew it too. He was very down because of it, and I decided that I was gonna stick by him, be his friend and give him encouragement. It was painful, but I knew he was hurting too, and I could not bring myself to ignore it. Anyway, since he went to HCJC after the first 3 months, all contact has been mostly via SMS, and I am usually the one doing the sending.
Anyway, I don't like him anymore now. Somewhere along the way, God came and told me that he wasn't the right fit. It would never have worked out. But I still treasure our friendship a lot, how he was very open with me. I'll never forget that I talked to him one night on the phone for 5 hours (!!). Recently, I sent him this letter which I'd sent to a few other people. Printed it out and mailed it in a rush as I was late to meet some friends. The letter was a testimony of God's work in my life and I mentioned inside about how God was my strength and my pillar during that time. In short, I said something like, "I used to like this guy called Ben who liked another girl who didn't like him and he knew it." He'd be stupid if he didn't know it was him.
So last Saturday night he SMSed me, said he'd "read the first part of the letter, didn't really expect this but it was still very nice of you, and if you're awake now, we can talk...=)". Was quite busy at that time so I didn't reply until about 1AM. He said he was almost asleep and he'd probably be talking nonsense in that state..how about around 5PM the next day. I was like, ok, good night then. Then I suddenly realised that I'd mentioned in the letter that I used to like him. Broke into cold sweat for a while, but was ok after that. Cos' I'd been thinking that I'm ready to tell him already. It was just a little embarrassing to have it done this way.
Come Sunday afternoon, I reached home after service at 4:30, really tired. Decided to take a half hour nap. When the alarm woke me at 5, I was still very groggy and was seized by a sudden fear of what Ben might say. Wanted him to call first. Anyway, while contemplating whether to call him and worrying about it, I fell asleep again. Dreamt that he called, forgot what happened in the dream. Woke up at 5:50 still groggy. No news from Ben. So I SMSed him asking, hey, you still wanna talk? And fell asleep until about 6:30 when my parents came home. Was quite worried when he still hadn't replied by then. Had he read the whole letter and freaked out? Is he avoiding me now?
Finally, got his reply at around 8+, he said, how about next weekend (which is this weekend) cos' his Prelims would be over by then. So it would be this weekend. I wonder what's gonna happen, what is he gonna say? Some of my friends think that maybe he'd say he likes me. Well, I really hope not, cos' I would really hate to cause him pain. I know now that he's not right for me, not now, at the very least. Today during the crazy 7-period break, I told Huiqing about it, and she was like, "Say yes...say yes!!" Didn't know how to tell her that Ben's not what I'm looking for anymore. That even though I may still have residual feelings for him (I'd be lying if I say otherwise), I don't want this anymore.
Lol. Why am I talking about this even? I don't think he likes me lah...even if last time I thought maybe he was just this little bit touched by what I did for him. But that's another thing altogether. Ah. What will be, will. No point thinking or worrying. I'll know by this weekend. So weird to find myself here now. To think I wanted it so much, hurt so much when I realised I couldn't have it, and now, I don't want it anymore. Isn't it weird. |
posted by esther @ 12:39 AM  |
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